Divine creativity equals unusual me

Song: Wait
Wait, wait for the dawn my dear
Wait till the sun gets here
And you will wait too long he will be gone
Wait, wait till the sun shines through
Wait till the sky is blue
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

Wait, wait till the signs are right
Wait till the perfect time
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

La la la la la ...

Wait till you don't doubt no more
Wait till you know for sure
And you will wait too long he will be gone now


THIS SONG SPOOKS ME THE WAY SOME EMAILS SPOOK A CERTAIN FRIEND OF MINE....

Love be gentle, love be kind
As I give this heart of mine
To a new love I hope will never end
It seems like only yesterday
Love was here and went away
Out of love again but now I'm falling in

Chorus:
Fallin' in love again
I'd fallen out but there's no doubt
I'm fallin' in, love again

I know that love won't always last
When you fall in love to fast
I should know better
But here I go again

Love be strong, love be true
For what else can I do
Love is calling and I know I'm fallin' in

Chorus:
Fallin' in love again
I'd fallen out but there's no doubt
I'm fallin' in, love again

Chorus:
Fallin' in love again
I'd fallen out but there's no doubt
I'm fallin' in, love again...
.............................................
I can see you're disappointed
By the way you look at me
And I'm sorry that I'm not
The woman you thought I'd be
Yes, I've made my mistakes
But listen and understand
My mistakes are no worse than yours
Just because I'm a woman

So when you look at me
Don't feel sorry for yourself
Just think of all the shame
You might have brought somebody else

Just let me tell you this
Then we'll both know where we stand
My mistakes are no worse than yours
Just because I'm a woman

Now a man will take a good girl
And he'll ruin her reputation
But when he wants to marry
Well, that's a different situation

He'll just walk off and leave her
To do the best she can
While he looks for an angel
To wear his wedding band

Now I know that I'm no angel
If that's what you thought you'd found
I was just the victum of
A man that let me down

Yes, I've made my mistakes
But listen and understand
My mistakes are no worse than yours
Just because I'm a woman

No, my mistakes are no worse than yours
Just because I'm a woman
..........................for all who hate country music..you can go hang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

Artist: Don Williams lyrics
Album: My Heart To You
Year: 2003
Title: I've Got A Winner In You
and this one goes to my love...MUKOTO...
EVEN IF YOU DONT GET TO READ IT...ITS COOL...
I oughta know, what it’s like to loose at love
I’ve done it enough and I oughta know
But then you came my way
And tore away, the fear of pain
I won’t loose again, this time I know

I’ve got a winner in you
No way I can loose
A love I can hold on to
I’ve got a winner in you

I know how it feels, when you try and try again
And then you never win, I know how it feels
Oh but this time around
I’ve finally found what it’s all about
They write songs about, the way that I feel

I’ve got a winner in you
No way I can loose
A love I can hold on to
I’ve got a winner in you

I’ve got a winner in you
No way I can loose
A love I can hold on to
I’ve got a winner in you

Artist: Sixpence None The Richer
Song: Melody of You
you're a painting with symbols deep, symphony
soft as it shifts from dark beneath
a poem that flows, caressing my skin
in all of these things you reside and I
want you flow from the pen, bow and brush
with paper and string, and canvas tight
with ink in the air, to dust your light?
from morning to the black of night

[Chorus]

this is my call I belong to You
this is my call to sing the melodies of You
this is my call I can do nothing else
I can do nothing else

you're the scent of an unfound bloom
a simple tune
I only write variations to sooth the mood
a drink that will knock me down to the floor
a key that will unlock the door
where I hear a voice sing familiar themes
then beckons me weave notes in between
a tap and a string, a bow and a glass
you pour me till the day has passed....

Artist: Maren Ord
Song: Perfect
...THIS IS ONE IS DEDICATED TO SWEETS AND MAD THOUGHTS...LENGA THE LAST VERSE,,,am not that mushy!!!!!1
Don't close your eyes
They may not open
What if they open
Would you be alive

Everyone falls
But not everyone rises
Why don't you get up
And rise again for me

chorus

What if the world were
a little more perfect
Would you stop crying or
would you take the leap
What if the world
were a little more perfect
Would you open your eyes
and blink again for me

What about friendship
What about friends
You said the whole world
was against you
And it all had to end

What about love
What about family
What about all that
you have to live for

chorus

It isn't easy here without you
Why did you leave me
What am I supposed to do
(without you...
Artist: Kendall Payne
Song: Scratch
THIS IS ONE IS TO SCARCITY AND EDWINA....WHO FEEL ME ON THE QUARTERLIFE CRISIS.....AND MISS FOI....TRANSITION WITH ALL ITS DRAMA
It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you ever get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream
When you can't fall asleep?

I've been wondering what you're thinking
And if you like my dress tonight?
Would you still say you love me
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I'm so afraid of what you'll say.

Chorus
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

I used to think I was special
And only I have proved me wrong
I thought I could change
The world with a song
But I have ended up in India
With no lamp to guide me home.
The strangest place I think
I have ever been
And all this time
I thought that we were friends
My stubborn will is learning to bend.

Chorus
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things.

Song: Gilmore Girls Theme SongTHIS IS FOR THE GIRL IN ME THAT STILL LIKES HAPPY ENDING MOVIES AND HAS A SOFT HEART BENEATH ALL THAT HARD TOGH EXTERIOR,,,,,AND TO MAMA MBOGZ WHO GETS WHAT AM SAYING....EVEN IF SHE INVOKES THE DENIABILITY CLAUSE
Wanting you the way I do
I only want to be with you
And I would go to the ends of the earth
Cause, darling, to me that's you're worth

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

If you're out on the road
Feeling lonely, and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I'll be there on the next train

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

I always wanted a real home with flowers on the windowsill
But if you want to live in New York City, honey, you know I will
I never thought I could get satisfaction from just one man
But if anyone can keep me happy, you're the one who can

And where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead
........................................................
THE LAST ONE IS FOR THE MEN WHO LOVE US EVEN WHEN THEY DONT FULLY UNDERSTAND US.....
Artist: Bjork
Song: Human Behavior

if you ever get close to a human
and human behaviour
be ready to get confused

there's definitely no logic
to human behaviour
but yet so irresistible

there's no map
to human behaviour

they're terribly moody
then all of a sudden turn happy
but, oh, to get involved in the exchange
of human emotions is ever so satisfying

and there is no map
and a compass
wouldn't help at all

human behaviour

Artist: Gavin DeGraw
Song: I Don't Wanna Be
I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by a identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one to notice?
I can't be the only one who's learned

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

Can I have everyone's attention please
if you're not like this and that
You're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain, the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay, dust, stone
And now I'm telling everybody

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I don't want to be... hey yeaaah
I don't want to be... hey yeaaah
I don't want to be

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,




This house is echoing
With the sound of You knocking at the door
But with three locks
And the shades down
You are easy to ignore
I put You on like an old pair of shoes
I've put You off, but now I need You

Why, this love that never leaves me
Why are You holding me tonight
Can't deny this love that is given me
Why, this love will never leave

You're a good strategy when I need one
An angle when there is none
Like a doormat
That always says welcome
No matter how much dirt I rub on
But when I am tired and run through
Look over this hill, I'm running to You
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I've been having dreams and visions
In them you are always standing
Right beside me
I reach out for your hand
To see your arms extending
Outstretched towards me

For you I don the veil
By your light
Others pale by comparison
I place my faith in love
My fate in this communication

I've been having dreams and visions
In them you are always standing
Right beside me
I reach out for your hand
To see your arms extending
Outstretched towards me

To you I give my pledge
I honor all that's good
In this life we're living
To think not only of myself
But of the greater union

Can I get a witness
There is salvation and rapture for the lonely
Can I get a witness
Bless this day sacred and holy
Sacred and holy

I've been having dreams and visions
In them you are always standing
Right beside me
I reach out for your hand
To see your arms extending
Outstretched towards me

With you I am revealed
All my shame all my faults and virtues
Behold body mind and spirit
Heart and soul devoted all to you

Can I get a witness
Bless this day sacred and holy
Sacred and holy
..............................................................................
Artist: Keane
Song: Everybody's Changing
You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
Oh everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
...............................................................................
Artist: Audioslave
Song: Be Yourself

Someone falls to pieces
Sleepin all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
To finally drift away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
Catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Untill the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united?
Healthy or insane?

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

And even when you've paid enough, been pulled apart or been held up
With every single memory of the good or bad faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright

You may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

.................................................................
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

CHORUS:
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's mi

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...

CHORUS - repeat twice

More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life
.............................................................................
A time of innocence and love
Could we go back to how it was
I remember when life was so simple
You did or you didn't
You would or you wouldn't
But it ain't like that anymore
I remember when life was so easy
People said what they meant
They were either for it or against
But it ain't like that anymore
Somewhere we lost the score

(CHORUS)
Bring back the days of yea and nay
When we could plainly see the way
Then it was up to us to choose
Whether to win or to lose
Bring back the times when we could see
What it was we were to be
Caught in the midst of complexity
We search for yea and nay

I remember when life ws so simple
Parents were a light
Through them we saw what was right
But it ain't like that anymore
I remember when life was so easy
Boys grew into men, little girls to women then
But it ain't like that anymore
Somewhere we lost the score

(REPEAT CHORUS)

We knew where we belonged
What was right and what was wrong

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Need a simple yes or no
Should I stay or should I go
Life has become so advanced
Wish i had a second chance
To go back if I could
See what was bad and what was good
Now I'm here and what I fear
Is we won't find yea or nay
[ Bring Back The Days Of Yea And Nay Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

From the last post things looked dire..but i went back to God and HIS WORD reassured me....
the situation is not solved but i am trusting God,,,,,

nway this post as the title says...whats in a question...my boyfriend likes asking me ALOT of questions..at times i feel we ought to switch careers...but he says he does so to know me better and to understand me,,,he says in this serious voice that he has purposed to understand me.....to me its sweet and abit amusing....but i get it..but he doesnt just ask me frivolous questions at times...MOST TIMES he asks me very difficult questions....i talk alot but there are stuff its like getting water out of a rock to get me to talk about....
so nway yesterday as we were talking on the phone he says taht usually when i get to this heart stuff i usually start talking at superspeed as if i want to get over the ordeal....he is so perceptive...so i say i know i do that at times but its because there are some stuff which make me feel vulnerable,,,and so i just rush thru them hoping i can get back to comfortable topics....nway he said he gets that in away but it doesnt excuse it...etc...so nway thsi is me saying how i talk in stages...so he laughs...nway later he asks me WHAT IS HAPPINESS TO YOU?si i say what does that mean?the law student in me?He says exactly what it says?(does this remind anyone of a courtroom?)..so i say thats an ambiguous question....so he says am being evasive and refusing to answer...nway i could tell that he actually wanted an answer..but i was also not going to answer such an open ended question...i mean DOES ANYBODY OUT THERE FEEL ME ON HOW OPEN THIS QUESTION IS?...so he say how do you define happiness...so i say thats the same question in a different wording....i was being really stubborn....nway i said unless he wants me to answer as equally vaguely with an ans like happiness is joy...thats stupid,,,so to avoid him getting extremely irritated which i could tell he was..i said he should answer the question then ad get an idea of how to answer it..i thought he wouldnt answer....he did immediately..as inhe said to him happiness...is me and him working...having me as his bride,,,,,raising a family together,,getting a satisfying job and being in right relationship with God...yaani iwas there like wawawaw we were actually having a serious conversation..this question wasnt just a by the way....so i told him i really hadnt expected an ans..but since he has i will give him feedback later..he wasnt too jazzed but all i could think ...my answer will matter to him and if i give a flip answer...he will be hurt or he will fell let down..those times when you say sth very important to you and they dont appreciate the importance you attch to it....
so this is me trying to think of what happiness me ans to me.....
ofcourse i wont write my reply here...sorry for all the nosy people...but ad like feedback on what happiness means to the people who read this blog....
not related but below are the lyrics to a song i heard like twice and av been searching for..its so profound....

Artist: Casting Crowns
Song: Stained Glass Masquerade
Album: Lifesong

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today, feeling so small?
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away
like everything's ok
If I make em all believe it
Maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin
I'll play the part again
So everyone will see me
The way that I see them

I we happy plastic people
under shiny plastic steeples
with walls around our weakness
and smiles that hide our pain
but the invitations open
To every heart that's been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands raised?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage?
The performance is convincing
And we know every light in my heart
Only when noone is watching can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If i dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
You imagine me to be
Or would your eyes be opened
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?

Chorus 2x

if the invitations open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today, feeling so small?

as i sit here am so tired..not physically but mentally and emotionally..my spirit is so low....i knew this day would come but in my naivety i assumed it would be much later........
i have been informed by my mother of how i need to end my relationship with J....because he is not good enough.....isn't it amazing that people reject the same species or people who have come from where they have come from.........i cannot repeat the awful things i had to hear this morning...to make it worse i so did not see this coming........two weeks ago J said that he knows adversity is coming ahead....well its here.....
truth be told....this has to do with more than him...its confirmed what i have always known that my folks are control freaks..they think that by virtue of having kids its like having puppets..you get to control everything that they do.............
i cant even write am just...wondering why this had to happen now..i need to read for my exams.....nway God is my light and my salvation...He is the stronghold of my life..the Bible says that though my father and mother reject me...the Lord will receive me.......
yaani i need spiritual covering cz this is fire men.

i have no specific reason for writing and no defined structure but by the end of this i hope it will be worth it.
i have been having random thoughts and questions lately...like is it ok for your friend to keep discussing stuff with your boyfriend or girlfriend whichever applies....which the two of you have discussed...for example...if scholar is my pal and J is my guy and they happen to be friends through me,,,,and i tell scholar about sth is it ok for her to discuss it with J?
its funny how after passage of time things look different.....hindsight does give perspective on some stuff....below is an entry from one of my blogs in another site about a year or so ago
Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 10:57pm (PST)
does anyone ever like change?i feel that there are too many changes happening in my life this year,in my head i do know that the only constant thing is change,but....one of my closest friends is to fly out this year,its literally ripping me apart cz i have known her for like 12years,she knows me like no other friend and understands me,atleast with all the other changes she has been there to hold my hand as i go thru them,the fear is paralyzing me for i cant just imagine her gone,God is asking me to trust HIM,i know i do but this is an unpleasant experience to say the least,
Monday July 2, 2007 - 12:07am (PDT)
what goes round comes around.yaani if someone could give me aroadmap for life then at this point ad appreciate it.nway exams will hopefully be over this week,which is a good thing yet it also means dealing with stuff which am not sure am prepared to do.i think av become a boy in that i compartmentalize things in my head.

one of my friends,at school, believes that i have a weird ritual of grieving for things before they occur so that by the time they occur am ready to deal with them and dont feel so bad...i dont think its weird cz it works for me...by the time my friend was leaving i had dealt with it early in the year that it dint even affect me much....it suprised me when a few days ago i was standing in myroom looking outside at the rain...when i realised that i really really missed her...i mean it wa sthe first time i had really had that feeling that i really wanted her near me at that particular second to understand whatever iwas thinking or the questions i had bila having to explain myself....
wheni wrote the send entry in july....i was in a stage of my life where i just felt lost....especially spiritually.It like i was in a desert and God had dweserted me or so i thought....everything dint make sense and too much was happening in my life and around me...and NO ONE UNDERSTOOD...so i jsut withdrew form evryone....there were times i almost if not actually HATED friends......since there was a rational part of me that knew it was illogical...i kept my distance or just dint talk about it....i mean who can understand that....one of my friends said how i had become so cold and hard etc....below are some entries from yet another different blog(yap i have enough blogs all over the net!)....Jul 30, 2007 7:35 AM
THERE IS SO MUCH RAGE IN ME THAT WHEN I DO BOTHER TO THINK ABOUT IT,I FIND MYSELF ABIT SCARED CZ ITS NOT HEALTHY OR EVEN SAFE TO HAVE THIS AMOUNT OF RAGE INSIDE.I THOT IT WAS ONLY DIRECTED AT MY FOLKS BUT EVEN MY CLOSEST PALS SEEM TO TICK ME OFF AT THE SLIGHTEST THING.AM SO DISCONTENT AND IN A PHASE THAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF.LORD I NEED YOU CZ I DONT KNOW WHAT AM TURNING INTO,ANGER KILLS AS I KNOW.
Jul 30, 2007 7:49 AM
there is this sadness in me that is masked by rage,am at work and am near tears and it doesnt hel that some stupid song is playing,what have i become,the song says"am so hollow" well thats how i feel,i feel so many things that i dnt know how to filter each and even begin to identify each emotion,there is a book that i read that said that there is no worse feeling than feeling lonely when you have every reason not to,like when ur surrounded by people yet you feel so alone.who am i?who am i?where am i headed?is a better day amyth or is it true is it a figment of my imagination sth i dream up to comfort myself?to console myself/reassure myself?does it really get better?what is better/who defines better?what if it doesnt then what?what happens when we voice our fears?who wrote the unwritten rule that we are supposed to appear that we have it all together even when inside we are in pieces?why am in this season?when am i getting out?what am i supposed to learn?Lord dont ever give up on me,even when i give up on myself,even when hope seems so far and so unreal,help me hang on for without hope what is life's worth,even in the midst of an ambush of deceit Lord help me remember ur truth even if its one basic truth that You love me and WILL NEVER FORSAKE ME.fight for me for a battle rages that i do not have the strength to wage .


its just amazing..i can now look back that God was preparing me for awesome stuff and the chaff had to come out....it had to be weeded out...and i had to learn total dependence on God.....without my friends or family....i have really matured and grown strong..not by my own choice in most cases but rather in letting go and allowing God to be Lord....yaani.....sadly also i have become very independent in away that hampers my friendships...i do still need my friends but i also find myself so used to being me&God that i am relearning communication.....last year i was taught resilience patience surrender and humility....as i look at the leadership roles i am in and even my relationship with J i now know why.....there is so much i need to learn but i can look back and say God never forsook me...nor was He punishing me but rather i was being refined and i will continue to be refined.....

Today in my consumer protection class we discussed some article and the writer was asking whther the needs we have are our own or if they have neen structurally been imposed on us?food for thought?

yesterday as iwas walking with J as he was heading to get the vehicle back to naks....he started telling me about how his passion for bass guitar and how to him its a gifting.....from what i have heard he is REALLY GOOD.....BUT IT WAS THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE WHEN HE EXPLAINED that when he is playing and its a really nice piece of music....how its so good you dont whether to cry or to laugh...thats its a feeling in between.....theni asked myself later after we parted whther i have such a passion for anything? other than reading which i have been so awful at this year.....what else?

usually on sunday i get home late but since i dropped my sweetheart i dint feel like much activity so i got home early ate with my family then started reading tghis book called the wedding by Nicholas sparks,,,,,yaani that book touched my heart....i cant explain....it was about rediscovering love in your spouse...yaani it was beautiful and jsut as iw as thinking of talking to J he calls to tell me he loves me....that he would do anything to make me happy and that Daily He asks God to show Him how....i dont know how i dint cry....cz it was just awesome...he reminded me that over the weekend we had covered alot of milestones hence i shouldnt forget....that i was his woman and the spae was only for one.........he said he knew adversity was going to come to test our commitment...and i cut in to say true but thats why we were building the foundation,,,nway i jsut love taht man in a way that sometimes makes me cry...which is so ironical but sometimes only tears can express what i feel.

i really want to get a job and move out....but i want to live with a friend or two...cz living alone would be too much temptation truth be told.....but i so want a good job which will enable me to move out.

some people are just lifetime losers..i concluded last week and this weekend.....they just are,,,a gal can get away with being foolish but for a man to be a loser what hope is there for you?

i am watching one tree hill season 5 and its so different but as ever i so feel peyton.....i feel am experiencing transition drama when most of my pals went thru this last year...nway tahts life....

its finally starting to sink in that some fool stole all my savings and now when i neede the k...its bilaz.....

we are launching camp on 8th of June.....yaani this camp will really be the thing not to miss and i can alredy see some people missing it while they are still waiting to be katiwad to come...shock on them....

to end this long post...wheni went to naks i wa staken to this awesome ethiopian restraurant called KOBEB....and there was such nuice music playing by a chic called HAIMIE...she had launched her CD,,,HENCE THEY WERE ON SALE THOUGH SHE WASNT AROUND.......and J kept saying how he knows her and they have done musiv together etc....i so loved the place and the music.....on sato as iw as chilling for a tuktuk to take me home this chic...very pretty...started talking to me and after some time she told me her name was......HAIMIE!!!!the name is very distincitive so i asked her oif she sings she said yes...i asked her if she knew KOBEB in naks,,,,she said her family owns it!!! i asked her if she knew J? she did!!!!!!!i couldnt belive it...iwas so jazzed....she is so down to earth....as in she was so pleasant so i explained and we were talking like long lost sisters...she is 19years old but is so gifted,,,,she was staying with some family friends on FAITH AVENUE...next to our street...yaani its a small world..when we re just vibing J calls!!!si w3as there so excited telling him how Haimie si satinding next to me.....etc....yaani i am glad i met her...she is so saved its awesome...then later at night when i was listening to KUBAMBA...they kept saying tehy have a ission on sunday to starch-pango and among the artiste performing was HAIMIe!! yaani too much of a coincidence....i was so jazzed...well let me sign off..i ahve written enough to last a year

am back...yaani mafans am sure you all missed me.....hihihi.....arusha was a story and a half and it will require its own post......
this is about naks.....yaani i cant believe that i finally got to go....there were moments i was sure sth would happen to stop me from going.......
it was more than i could expect...yaani if you are in love...you are in love...thats all i can say...this me who used to say how i dont do PDA...WELLL MISS SUNSHINE WAS SO COMFORTABLY WALZING NAKURU TOWN WITH HER SWEETHEART HAND IN HAND....yaani i had a ball and there are no words to fully express my joy.I finished whatever camp work i went to do by wednesday and still got to rest cz arusha was a bit hectic and best of all got to spend time with J.I REALLY LOVE THAT GUY...I CAN SAY THAT A MILLION TIMES AND NOT GET TIRED OF SAYING IT.......Ihave learnt that when you love someone you dont do it coz they love you but cpoz you choose to love them and yes its true love is a choice...whether a wise or foolish choice but a choice nonetheless...as i have interacted with J over these past months its been a conscious choice to get to know him but more importantly to allow him to know me....i more than any one else know hw subtly i can hold such vital parts of me from someone from me and yet the other party remains so unaware...for some reason all those walls came down with this guy.....at some point it was scary and as i said in an earlier post...i felt like i was on a precipice...on the edge of a cliff where i could choose to either walk away or let go upon which i could either plummet to the unknown or soar...well so far my step of faith(no pun intended!) paid of cz am soaring......
J is all i have dreamed in aman and so much more...it doesnt mean he is perfect...there is no such person on this earth....but i cathc myself so awestruck at times cz he compliments me and i compliment him so well...as in it is so easy between us...it just flows...he likes saying how he gets amazed that i always seem so happy and full of joy especially when i am with him as in he can just see it in my face...i usually laugh cz its true and its good thing...as in i dont need to pretend...wheni am with him...am at peace...the feeling you get when you know the world is as it should be...that you are finally home from a long journey.....
he brings out the softer side of me....which for all who know me it may be unbelievable but its true...he makes me calm....he says i have the softness that he needs in his life,,,,and get your minds out the gutter for all of you who have gone down that road,,,,,espe twox....i like the fact that he is a leader and has a very clear idea of hwere he wants to go nad has the confidence taht he will get there.....
i have come back to town as His chic.....or as he says his woman...as in that just amuses me no matter how many times i hear it.....thursaday and saturday was the highlight of my visit to naks...thursday cz i spent most of the day with him....and nyangi who usually doesnt like being touched or her space invaded was gladly enjoying all the above...saturday cz am a girl and i was impressed with the care taken to make sure i had an awesome night.......
I also came back with alot to think about....among other things that i may be getting married soomer than i ever envisioned...by idea was wheni ht 3oyears old...i doubt that will happen with the current state of things.....but in all things God knows best...will go on later my intl human rights class has started

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Ask me for my love


I was listening to this song by Bethany Dillon either last week or beginning of this week and it just hit me that it so expressed what am feeling and experiencing.J if i could write you a letter right from my heart the words of this song would say it best...knowing that i can never let you read this blog...and that for me its TOO TOO TOO SOON to tell you these words.....i express them in safety yet also with a hope that one day i can look into your eyes and say them confidently and happily.....sometimes i get the feeling that you dont think am in for the long haul....that i will bail out on you....for now i cant reassure you more than i have nad only time will reveal how much my love is worth. I know that silently i ask for heaven and you say you are ready to give beyond that which i ask.....i told you that i know that what we have is worth fighting for and that to me you are worth doing all that i have never attempted to do....You make me believe that all i have been waiting for is finally here and that my imagination did not even capture how good it can be...as the song says just ask me.....for my love.......am scared to be known by you yet am thrilled at the prospect of spending each and every day of my life with you...i cant imagine not having you in my life in any way.....a story that will never end.

I'm so scared that you will see
All the weakness inside of me
I'm so scared of letting go
That the pain I've hid will show

I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop

[c h o r u s]
I want you to know
You belong in my life
I love the hope
I see in your eyes
For you I would fly
At least I would try
For you I'll take
The last flight out

I'm afraid that
You will leave
As my secrets
Have been revealed
In my dreams
You'll always stay
Every breathing moment from now

I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop

[c h o r u s]

I cannot hold back
The truth no more
I let you wait too long
Although it's hard and scares me so
A life without you scares me more

[c h o r u s]
[Last Flight Out Lyrics on
http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Juzi i was listening to Plus one who are like one of my favourite groups and i have heard the above song like a zillion times especially when am jogging but on this day i just stopped what i was doing and felt like calling J and telling Him......i would love for you to be saying these words to me.....i like where it says that 'i know you want to hear me speak, but if i start to i'll never stop' sometimes you feel that i dont say enough or i keep stuff in...or that you tell me these wonderful stuff that just melt my heart and make me shut up..yet i dont say them back enough....well experience has not taught me the easiest lessons but lessons they have been nonetheless....if we are both right about us then we will have a lifetime to say whatever we want to each other.you say that i always sound happy and into you...and sometimes you wonder if its true and real....if you would have known me my whole life you could have easily realized that the cause of my seemingly never ending joy is knowing you.....as the song says i like the hope i see in your eyes..well for now you cant see me...but when you will you will see all that is in my heart before i even utter a word

Dean sherman says that love is a choice...our personality and gift of attraction kinda chooses for us potential people to be attracted to but we choose whom to love.Its true.am out

CityGirlfront page About It’s fear!
March 18, 2008 · 14 Comments
I think about it all the time. How life would be so simple and probably much easier if we, people, didn’t have pride or fear.

If at the time you find yourself getting close to someone, you totally commit to the feeling and not stress about keeping the feeling to yourself.

It’s fear. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of putting yourself out there and allowing someone to see into your heart.

And the funny thing is, in all probability, the person that you’re afraid to tell ‘Hey, I like hanging out with you, I miss you when you’re not around” is more than likely feeling the same thing too.

Oh life is so funny. People are funny.

i got this from a blog i frequent....the day i read it it gave me courage and alot of other stuff...but it challenged me andd hence that night when speaking with J..i answered a very difficult question. I was able to honestly tell him what i want from him.The olf me would have refused to answer him or played with words or answered safely.....well courage has its rewards....and again it just prooves that courage is not the absence of fear rather its doing whats need to be done with the fear inside you...Joyce Myer says do it fearfully but do it.for those who really know me the photos will make sense as they are related to the title of the post

am not sure what am writing on but i just feel a need to write...i feel like am standing at a precipice...like either i let go and jump or do the usual ...basically chicken out. I had an interesting converstaion yesterday with Mr. Mysterious...lets just say that for once i was left speechless...and this is me who can spew 3010 words per second...but it was a good kind of speechless...those you know that if you break the flow...you would be marring a beautiful thing.... a while back one of my friend was describing to me an incident involving some potential dude in her life and she sayd how there is sth he said or did that she just found herself melting...well i finally understood what she meant......
it came as a shock but last month i finally admitted or found out how apparently i had actually loved this dude who had really hurt me......all i would ever admit was that that i had really really really liked him and he hadnt liked me as much as i did so i was hurt......but truth of the matter is apparently i loved this guy....i was so pissed to come to this realisation coz to my naive mind if i was to love someone they ought to first love me before i get to loving them and it is supposed to be this awesome thing that blows my mind and is all happy go lucky...all sunshine....well in this case it was more of a case of doubts,obsessions,insecurities,moments of joy,then not...as in truly a load of crap.....cant totallly blame the guy...i saw it all coming he was never into me but like the proverbial fool a part of me kept hoping he would grow to like me!!!!like what are these???????For the record there is no such thiong in this day and age......it was either there in the first place then it increases or it wasnt there and will never be there....it took my heart getting broken and me breaking some poor guys heart to realise that is such a load of crap we sell to ourselves. True to form this guy had liked some chic from the get go when he met her......a lovely chic i must say and they are so suited they still together till now...and are both good friends of mine.....but what i always wonder was there anything i could have done to avoid getting hurt? it all started as a joke... a silly crush.....then it became almost an obsession...yaani i knew i had to get out but could never find the will to do it......i know that sounds weak and pathetic but i would try to say i will stay away from this dude ,i wont communicate with him...but then ad miss him so much ad just find myself talking to him again hence digging myself deeper......i got so hurt that only God in Heaven knows how deep.....to this day i never blame the dude...some of my pals did.....but i knew from the get go that i wasnt the chic for him...yet.....a friend once asked me whether we ever deserve any hurt that people cause us....i still dont have an answer...but all i know is that it wasnt his fault...there were instances when he could have told me how he felt about the other gal earlier but other than that.....i think we dont dictate to our hearts whom to be attracted to...i was reading Dean sherman's book and he was defining attraction. He said that attraction is the acknowledgement that something is pleasant. It is a gift.I think i got so hurt that i made a n inner vow...somewhere in me a resolution was made to protect my heart at whatever cost.It was a subconcsious vow buit one made nonetheless....last month i really went on a soul searching mission and among the things i was wondering about was how av gone out with these dudes...liked some alot but there is a point it never goes beyond...some pita the usual defences but there is a point they never pass...and i couldnt see why?i wasnt doing so much defence work...it just was so....anyway it finally hit me......we were taught about bitter roots and inner vows....that stuff is real...i had broken some as regard my past but i had never realized that there was one that i had never...well God has been the one person i have fully and completely trusted with my heart...its my treasure...yaani its the one thing i go to any length to preserve...so this year after the wachira debacle and mr.conservative joke i decided that i would trust God but i would break that vow...and try and be brave and allow my heart to be more involved...and who is the lucky person to meet me when i finally make this decision? J....I think God really loves him coz i have been such an angel...he even asked me if am usually this nice!!!!!me?me? difficult stubborn me?.....But wonders will never cease.....its actually me...the me i am when am with Him amazes me....i am totally my usual loud self and all but i play no games with him. and truth be told i feel no need to .He is so straight forward...he says it as it is...ok leo the blog wasnt about him...am not ready to do that and no questions about his identity or whatever...
I so started one post and ended up writing another...but am on the brink of falling in love.

yaani God is awesome...in the last post iwas asking God alot of questions especially why i keep hitting a wall in a particular area in my life...well jana i went to purpose centre and they had a guest speaker and the word he spoke was an answer to the questions i ahve been asking...and i thot i went there just by chance but God guides our footsteps...he was talking about time to mature up....he used the israelites as an example...God took them thru the desert cz they still had the slavery mentality and He could not allow them into the promised land,canaan with that oppressed mentality....the promised land requires more responsibility, accountability and stewardship.....God would rather we die in the desert if we are immature rather than let us enter the promised land qwith the childish mentality cz if He allows we will mess our lives.....God speaks such great in our lives but we keep wondering why they aint cutting...most of it has to do with lack of maturity...our growth is our personal responsibility...yaani that word hit home.....last year God spoke such stuff in my life but i realize that in some areas i havent taken the necessary steps....God is through with feeding me manna....it is time to grow up,truist Hip implicitly and Follow Him wherever He directs me even without the Detail of what he wants me to do or where He wants me to go......in terms of me relating with people....i have taKEN A STEP OF FAITH AND IT IS SO SCARY CZ AM USUALLY THE TYPE TO WANT THE DESTINATION BEFORE I START THE JOURNEY.I was telling someone how God is really urging me to take a risk,trust Him and just step out in a particular area of my life and he was so jazzed saying that that was what he h\as been trying to tell me and he hopes it will work in his favour....but i am....een the leadership roles i shied away from last year...i took them up this year....nway there is alot i ahve to do....i thank God that He has shown me where i need to work on and His Grace is sufficient.
On a lighter note...dint i have a lovely night jana...yaani celtel for life!!!!1111it is so awesome to finally meet someone who says whats on their mind ,who understands that women are to be cherished and are to be showered with attention.....yaani i went to bed smiling like a lovesick puppy.......
I need to get my pass to TZ by this week cz we should be heading to Dar on monday....its so exepsive its 2700 one way...as the leader i ahve the unpleasant task of deciding btn two people who gets to go and who doesnt...not funny.
After that am planning to go to Naks.....for all of you who are smirking...on business...i need to meet their youth leaders we discuss how we will do the joint camp.....
I need to write a paper on brideprice!!!!1its the number one cause for gender based violence.
I ahve said this a million times but i will say it again...I HAVE FINALLY MET MY MATCH!!!!!!!!!!INFACT AM OUTWITTED!bUT AM LOVING IT!

Lord today is a struggle.....its the testing of my resovle to surrender this area of my life to you...how its so tempting to take my life into my own hands but Lord give me grace.....for whatever am feeling or going through is common to all men and you have already provided a way out.
I dont want to be like the israelites who had to wander in the desert around the same mountain for 4o years...i ahve reached my threshold.....keep me on the straight path and my eye focused on the goal.
You way is bettter and to your blessings you add no sorrow...no good thing will you withhold from me as you beloved.
Your word says that God you are a sun and a shield to those who trust you,you bestow honour and favour. Today the cross is heavier,or so it seesm but carry it i will for i know that to carry the cross is to wear the crown and that the way down is the way up.
But as i struggle,i wonder does hesense it in his spirit?does it change anything in his day or thoughts? does he encounter any doubts?
Never have i walked this raod but trust you i will for you lead me besides green pasture.Each and every day of my life is ordained by you my very footsteps are guided by you Father.No one is allowed to enter into my life without your permission and so you know the his purpose in my life and for what period of time.
AS a JR raps" Lord Jesus would you hold my mind for my flesh is weak and am about to lose my mind" that says it best.
It all too easy so a voice whispers in my ear..follow the familiar and known path....you atleast know where it goes and control will be inyour hands" But father am weary...am weary of following that path for hwere it leads leaves me feelong hollow....as stacie orricco sings" thetre 's gotta be more to life"...and i know taht i know that iknow...that.....better is with you.....that the key is to hold on and to obey with trust...so father i will obey and keep tenaciously holding onto the promise. there is a song taht says that if i fall let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you and if i weep let me weep as aman longing for his home.
There are so many avenues open for my life but this year Lord i want to walk the path You have set before me...i need grace..for many are the different voices calling out to me.as bethany dillon says there are amillion voices calling out to me but i only want to hear yours so make the others disappear.
As Paul said he knew that what he had entrusted to you God you would keep it till that day...You know what i treasure and to what i have entrusted to you,,,and i know that you will keep it and guard it and only let me give it to the one you kept for me.am out

i found this link and it has such interesting stuff on fashion,design etc...so for all ya fashion freaks...some dude called me a fashion freak,,,,whatever...i like looking good but am not addicted to fashion rules and fads...but nonetheless its a good site. so enjoy. http://thecoveted.blogspot.com/

Usually i wouldnt post forwards but this one is important. I sent iit to a close friend of mine some time back and she sent it back to me today and i realized that it says alot of things which we all need to know as ladies...so there can never be too much education..especially on these creatures called men....incidentally as iwas reading one of the books on women and the law i came across an interesting quote. "Human beings are animals,albeit of a certain kind" it just amused me....anyway i digress.....fwd or no fwd whoever who wrote the words below hit it on the nail.


IF A MAN WANTS YOU



If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has
more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships..........................there is nothing cute about
baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists
of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your
always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another
RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
BY THE WAY, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN, SO TAKE A HINT..............

This is another unstructured post but this being my blog....who gives a penny? I have been so busy trying to beat deadlines for my term papers....i only have two left and they are due a week after my last paper so it lets me concentrate on my exams.i keep looking at the last post and laughing cz its like the wind...now its here....then its gone....i actually watched the episode from which that picture of lorelai and luke were taken...interesting....as one of my closest pals said juzi...men are from pluto!...leave a room wide open for them to enter...they hesitate or they refuse to enter...shut the dooor and sudennly its imperative that they enter that room!That said there is a room i shut and suddenly someone seems curious...its laughable....well another possibility has entered the equation..and you know what they say....bygones are bygones.
I finally realized that given time i could become a football addict....on sunday i was to go on a date where ver i would like and i found myself saying lets go somewhere where we can watch the manu game!!This was me!!!not being coerced or blackmailed or cajoled!!no i really wanted to watch the match...so dude agreed...and no i wasnt doing it to impress the dude...i dint even know he likes football till he started cheering for man-useless!needless to say i had a ball!! you should have seen us laughing like children and we still talked as wewatched the game....yaani when i saw the three goals i just thought...now we will never cath up...imagine i really cared!But i couldnt watch the arsenal game as we had to have a real date before i headed home...but mani had a fab weekend...and no pressure...which reminds me...why do people do group dates???eeich!! i so do not get those things.....one of my friends was so pissed last week when she met this dude and he was with his pals who one who was with his chic....apparently she thought it would be just the two of them..!I was telling her you teach people how to treat you and you. as the girl sets the pace and tone of the relationship or dating game...what do u mean you ask me to meet you and i get you with your pals and i wasnt informed?Rubbish!i told her that all these dudes i had told her about...there is none that that she had nver met..not coz am one of hose perpetually insecure chics who need intrigues to keep a dude...but coz i organise my life,friends and dudes in a mannerthat works for me..when it istime for my gals then its their time...when its time for my uni pals...time for my back-then pals...my highschool pals...church pals..tight pals....acquatances....dudes am seeing etc....why should they mingle...if they happen to meet cool ...but otherwise am perfectly comfortable when tnhey stay in compartments....moreover..there is no dude who has ever pulled a stunt like that on me....yaani i would just walk out....if we agreed that iwas to meet your pals then its cool. My friend then went on to say how this always happens and more so with one of this dude's pals...even when they are alone on a date..he keps calling teling the guy how they should meet etc!i was just sitting there in shock!Like what crap is that? Either you want to be with me or you dont!You organise your life well to make time for me and time for your boys! When iwas in high school i dated this guy was in this crew...all i'd ever hear is "me and my boys"...i got so sick and tired of that phrase thjat i promised myself NEVER AGAIN! and am glad i kept that promise...What nonsense!!

i am doing exams next week ! So it means marathon reading!You know how they say that if aman like you he calls and communicates frequentl and would do anything to see you? well it true....how pleasantly true!!
on a different foot...since i will be doing Women and the law as the first papaer and there are no precedents to guide me...i will be writing something on women to help me analyse how well am doing in my reading and understanding.To day law is concerned with relationships ,relationships are an expression of power hence law is both an instrument of oppression on women and a machinery of empowerment for them!
my Tac class has started hence i have to go. This was really nice.Heb 4:16 let us then approach the throne of Grace with confidence, so that we may recieve mercy and find Grace to help us in our time of need

Just Blogs

am sure you are all wondering why the angela jolie pics? well am not a fan...in fact i think she is despicable...but i want to talk about Bathsheba whom i am also not a fan of.....am reading lineage of grace by Francine Rivers. I am a very judgmental person coz i just cannot empathize or sympathize with Bathsheba.....i don't think she alone was the one to blame but to me no excuse could be good enough for her conduct....when i first did a bible study of Rahab as a presentation..i really could relate with her,...am not a prostitute but for some reason i could live with her tale while as for Bathsheba...truth be told the first time i read about her when i was about 10years old...i detested her..for what kind of a woman was this....hence my saying am very judgmental....the only reason i took note of her was because from as far as i could remember i would read the story of David over and over....it fascinated me so much..from when i was 9years old reading my yellow book titled "my book of bible stories"...and whatever David did i could forgive or excuse...cz to me he was so fascinating and later on absorbing his passion for God endeared him to me..while Bathsheba was like a fly to be whisked off or ignored. I read her story as retold by Francine rivers,....its not an easy story to read...i don't want to do the bs part but i will have to....in the book it shows her as having loved David from when she was a kid and hence excusing it all...to me that doesnt wash...last week i was watching Gilmore Girls....a show i ADORE....when they showed how Rory slept with Dean...and she was saying how he was hers first a and he wasnt happy with the wife hence it excused whatever they did....at first i kinda got where she was coming from....yaani i love that show so much..that when it ended with her weeping...i went to bed so sad....weird thing i could understand where she is coming from and still be able to say its wrong but with bathsheba...even writing her name is hard...i dont like her...i mean her hubby died cz of what she and david did..and in the book it says he knew...imagine the pain and betrayal he felt....i know we are human and prone to sin...but i dont know why i am so harsh in my jugement of this woman....after all i am a sinner and have done so many awful things that am equally deserving judgement but its just how i feel....it made me think of alot of situations....we are all vulnerable....now we use petty excuses to justify whats wrong.....we choose the easy road instead of the right way....easy,convenient,faster and more comfortable does not always mean or equate right.
I am very judgmental...isee things in such black and white,,,,but mostly in ternms of others what about me? what if God chose to use that yardstick?where would i be?i need to learn mercy....thinking about paul...yaani iwas so repulsed by evrything he said that night that i couldnt bear to think iever thought i liked him....all i could think was you messed up person...you person under sexual bondage...depart from me...well whats the christian way?i wont lie...am not planning to be his bossom buddy...God in His word says that in leading the sinful brother be careful not to fall in the same pitfall...butin my view of him..i could show mercy..i could pray for him knowing that in God's eyes that's still his son.
I need to learn mercy even as i am enetering into more leadership roles for servanthood is not about lording people but understanding them and influencing them towards the vision. As i meditate on bathsheba...i ask God to teach me..for honestly it was a hard story to read.am out

my dad just called me that i have passed my cpa(k).its finally over....its funny i thought i would scream...jump up and down but since iwas talking to him on the phone walking to school i couldnt very well. I am so happy yet looking at me one would think its just another ordinary day. God has been so good to me since i sat the first exam in dec 2003....i had to take a break and redo sec 4 but all in all Jehova is awesome.
Today i woke up with such a deep longing for God and went on to have QT and am just jazzed. yaani am overwhelmed al write more later.

Another favourite artiste is nichole nordeman so you will be seeing alot of her lyrics on my blog...but i guess thats why its mine. 'Holy' was the first song i heard from nichole but when i took time to listen to 'HEALED" and 'I AM " lets just say i was blown away. If for some reason i die right now...i would love I AM to be played in my funeral...usually am not a morbid person...but that song speaks of a life journey and its a testimony of who God has been and still is in my life.

Pencil marks on a wall
I wasn't always this tall,
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed,
You watched my team win,
You watched my team lose,
You watched when my bicycle went down again,

CHORUS:
And When I was weak unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Elbow healer, Superhero,
come if You can,” and You said “I am”

Only 16, life is so mean, what kind of curfew is at ten PM
You saw my mistakes, You watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again

CHORUS:
When I was weak, unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Heart-ache Healer, Secret-keeper,
be my Best Friend” and You said “I am”

You saw me wear white, by pale candlelight,
I said forever to what lies ahead
two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
too much it might seem when it’s two AM

CHORUS:
when I am weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
hold on to my hand,” and You say “I am.”

The winds of change,
And circumstance blow in and all around
us so we find a foothold that’s familiar,
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne, who can say when,
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

CHORUS:
I will be weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and
the End, I am, yes, I am.”
[I Am Lyrics on
http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]
......................................................................................................................................................
When all is said and done...when all the winds blow and cease,when all the upheavals in life come and go,when all the success i ever wish for come or fail to come,,,,,when all the people in my life come and go...when all is said and done...God isall i need....i guess Bethany Dillon sings it best...
"All I Need"

When the day is done
And there's no one else around
While I'm lying here in bed
You're in my heart, You're in my head
You're all I need, You're all I need
There are a million voices
Calling out my name
But You're the One I want to hear
So make the others disappear

You are all I need when I'm surrounded
You are all I need if I'm by myself
You fill me when I'm empty
There is nothing else
You're all I need

When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There's a fire in my bones
I'm not afraid to go alone
You're all I need
You're all I need
The sun on my face
I hear You whisper loud
You're still the God that opens seas
Every flower, even me
You're all I need
You're all I need

I'm drawn to everything that You do
Nothing compares with You
...............................................
i am in a fellowship cum bible study and it really challenged us as to what position God occupies in our lives.....yaani the many things that despite the years that av spent with God,i still try to control.Every year at the end i evaluate the whole year that was thus leading to new commitments in the new year.....the past year was an anomaly which extended to the present. i dint evaluate the previous year nor did i make any resolutions for this year....but when sanity finally came in my country and the realisation that God was sovereign in all circumstances i decided that two songs would guide me in my walk this year...that periodically i would check whether my life was as i had promised God.....
The first is HOLY by Nichole Nordeman...
How many roads did I travel
Before I walked down one that led me to You?
How many dream did unravel
Before I believed in a hope that was true?
How long? How far?
What was meant to fulfill only emptied me still
And all You ever wanted…

Only me on my knees
Singing holy, holy
And somehow
All that matters now is
You are holy, holy

How many deaths did I die
Before I was awakened to new life again?
How many half truths did bear witness to
‘Til the proof was disproved in the end?
How long? How far?
What was meant to illuminate shadowed me still

And all You ever wanted…
All I have is gratitude to offer You
.........................................................................................................................
today has been a day of lyrics.....but this one is the last one....many artistes have sang it but i like the version by kathryn scott best....if by the end of the year my life would have borne testimony as this song goes then to me its been a successful year.....

Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful,
Where Your streams of abundance flow,
Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name,
When I'm found in the desert place,
Though I walk through the wilderness,
Blessed be Your name.

Every blessing You pour out on, turn back to praise.
And, when the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say,

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.

Blessed be Your name,
When the suns shining down on me,
When the world's all as it should be,
Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name,
On the road marked with suffering,
Lord, there's pain in the offering,
Blessed be Your name.

Every blessing You pour out on, turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say,

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.
Oh,
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.

You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord, blessed be Your name.

God, You give and take away.
Oh, You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord, blessed be Your name,

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be the name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
I choose to say,
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name,
Blessed be Your glorious name.

You give and take away.
God, You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord, blessed be Your name

God, You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord, blessed be Your name

Oh, You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.
Blessed be Your name.
[Blessed Be Your Name Lyrics on

Last year my cousin brought me the best gift hat he has given me in years....music...a whole variety of it.I really begun to appreciate the songs when all i had was myself and my thoughts to keep me company. Below are some lyrics to some of my favourite songs that i would listen to as i walked in my neighbourhood trying to figure out if it would ever get better...or if tomorrow would ever come.

The first is by bethany dillon who has become a favourite. Its called beautiful.When i started this blog the first entry was about hating on wachira......lets just say that at some point last year he really meant alot and i thought things would go differently but alas like a double edged sword he also caused me alot of doubts....at some point i wondered if i would ever be enough.....enough everything......beautiful enough,intelligent enough,mature enough,funny enough,kind enough....and it wasnt just coz of him that i wondered all these but rather cz of where i was at that point in my life. So the line that goes.....i used to be so unique...now am only skin deep....well it says alot...but Thank God...i realized that...my circumstance does not define me.....trials dont come to test my faith but rather to teach me faith!!
"Beautiful"

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful