I really love this chic's music and listening to this interview made me just like her more

I don't think you know how songs, words, lyrics really get to me .....I become a silly person; ALL hopeful

I can’t do this anymore.

I really love the lyrics...kinda smart, cool and applicable...to me

I'm an ardent almost obsessed fan of Seth Godin! This manifesto like describes my journey .

I pledge to know more about my field than anyone else. I will read and learn and teach. My greatest asset is the value I can add to my clients through my efforts.I realize that treating people well on the way up will make it nicer for me on the way back down. I will be scrupulously honest and overt in my dealings, and won’t use my position as a fearless bootstrapper to gain unfair advantage. My reputation will follow
me wherever I go, and I will invest in it daily and protect it fiercely.
I am the underdog. I realize that others are rooting for me to succeed, and I will gratefully accept their help when offered. I also understand the power of favors, and will offer them and grant them whenever I can.
I have less to lose than most -- a fact I can turn into a significant competitive advantage.
I am a salesperson. Sooner or later, my income will depend on sales, and those sales can be made only by me, not by an emissary, not by a rep. I will sell by helping others get what they want, by identifying needs and filling them.
I am a guerrilla. I will be persistent, consistent, and willing to invest in the marketing of myself and my business.
I will measure what I do, and won’t lie about it to myself or my spouse. I will set strict financial goals and honestly evaluate my performance. I’ll set limits on time and money and won’t exceed either.
Most of all, I’ll remember that the journey is the reward. I will learn and grow and enjoy every single day.

This is a very hard post for me to write as I'm experiencing a varied range of emotions that are not comfortable. A large part of it is shame. It amazes me how finance is one of my major areas of training yet my personal financial story is one that just makes me feel ashamed, uncomfortable, nervous and all sorts. My relationship with money is so awful that I hate talking about money and shy away from reading on it. One of the main thing that I  keep seeing as a block to growth in my dreams is my relationship with money. You cannot solve what you refuse to confront.

In summary I would say three main issues: I have a very warped view of money, zero saving habit and living beyond my means.

This is just so hard but I have to. I have been saying how I am ready for a serious relationship but deep in my heart I know that one of my biggest reluctance to the whole marriage idea is the inadequacy I feel in terms of my financial status. I don't just mean the amount of money but what I bring to the table. My savings are laughable like I can't even call them that. I have bad spending habits and its this one dark thing that touches on so much. I don't want to turn into this uber miserly person but I do want financial freedom. Money is usually the number one reason I worry.

This month has been one of the toughest months this year and like eighty percent of it was due to money.  Today I woke up and started reading blogs as I occasionally do on Fridays and it lead me to  a blog dealing with financial independence then another. To cut a long story short, I actually read up on almost 8 blogs with over fifteen articles. I'm a doer and from all that reading I got some tips to begin my journey; very tiny baby steps but I feel quite positive I can stick it this time.

Safaricom introduced a service called Mshwari which for some bizarre reason I totally dismissed or ignored. I have no idea why but a few weeks back I saw, on tweeter, a friend talking to the customer service to sort his mshwari account. It got my attention but I quickly forgot it. Today while reading all these articles it hit me how Mshwari could be a tool to help me in saving. So many of my clients pay me via Mpesa and I do so many transactions via my phone so what if I could save every time any money comes in via Mpesa. It doesn't have to be crazy huge amounts but I could actually do it. I for one have been saying all churches should get Mpesa paybill numbers as it would make my tithing much easier. If the corrupt one want to steal, that is between trhem and God but let the rest of us fully utilize technology to make our lives streamlined.

Adam Baker from ManvsDebt introduced me to Dave Ramsey's envelope system. It seems really backward and simple but at this point I have to take whatever can work for me and the simpler it is the better. I tried the spreadsheet method and that did not last.  Below is Adam Baker's summary of it:

Action #8: Use Cash Envelopes for Food, Clothing, “Blow Money” (20 minutes)

Simple steps:

1. Pick your spending limits - For the categories “Food”, “Clothing”, and “Blow Money” (guilt-free entertainment) – pick a maximum amount you are willing to spend over the next 30 days.
2. Stop by your bank and withdraw cash - Of course, the cash is equal to the combined limits you set for the three categories.
3. Stuff envelopes with the cash - Get out 3 envelopes. Write the name of the category on the outside, and stuff the appropriate cash inside the envelope.
4. Pay with cash – For the next 30 days, anytime you want something in that category – you’ll pull out your envelope and pay with cold, hard cash. Yes, I’m serious. You don’t have to carry them around at all times. When you go to the grocery store – take your Food envelope. Again, this isn’t rocket science.

How this can change your life: There is no budgeting trick or technique that is more powerful than going to pay for $60 in groceries and only having $45 in the envelope. I promise, the first time you put back $15 in items – your commitment to budgeting will never ever be the same.

 I am coming up with a budget and I will start tracking all my purchases on a daily basis.

 That is all I can write today but this blog and my journal will be my accountability as I really don't want to be discussing this with my friends. I am committed to following through with this even if strangers on the internet get to read my journey

To my utter shock my not voting just ensured that I was in a numb state immediately the long election period was over but as more time passed and I had time on my hands, I have experienced the very same emotions I was trying to escape by not voting and investing myself in the process. The range of my bitterness and hate shocks me. I feel so many negative emotions that I cannot enumerate them.  I was among those encouraging people to listen to these awesome sermon series done pre-election and immediately after the election date. One of the key points the pastoral team emphasized was that half of the nation was in mourning and felt that they were in exile like the Israelites in captivity in Babylon. The main text was Jeremiah 29 though the background starts in chapter 27. I was in this zen state where none of it touched me. I was a bit disappointed but unlike those around me in true mourning, I was fine. I was hopeful and all. Well you can be sure all that has flown out of the window.  More so with the supreme court ruling . I kept saying this election has ensured that the die has been cast and the lines are firmly drawn. I always thought we would be the generation to escape the tribalism curse but if anything this election has ensured that my generation will be much more firmly entrenched in tribalism than our parents ever were. I honestly used to brush off all those things my parents said as nonsense but now I see that they were speaking sense. There are truly 'those' people and they also do see us as 'those' people. We have just been been living a lie all in the name of civility.

I do know that this is the wrong attitude but honestly I do not give a foot! I feel like some of us have been trying to be decent , considerate and fight the tribal bug while others have been smiling with us, being all chummy but in all honesty our parents were right that those so called friends of ours, listened to their parents and when the rubber met the road they all do support 'their'people. For how else would a thief, a known drunk be now purportedly a state head. I cannot even bring myself to call him my leader. It is too soon. A friend once said that when she sees a particular politician's(he's from the same tribe as me) face she see the devil and I was quite taken aback at this as this but kept quiet in the name of avoiding an argument and keeping the peace but now I realize that was cowardly. I feel like telling her that when I see this particular politician( same tribe as her) face I feel such revulsion and like I am looking at the face of evil itself . When I see him, i see all the progress we have made as a republic all blown up in the wind, I see free flow of drugs and I see impunity and theft. I used to say that I never used to look at my friends from a tribal perspective, well now I do. I am re-evaluating my friendships especially in light of all the crowing going on. Indeed let the victors celebrate but all I can say the lines have been deeply etched and yes we will all remain civil but trust in some aspect, if not all, has been lost. After the post election violence a friend once said: 'these are not people you turn your back on to fall asleep next to them'. My friend has grown up in Kenya though is of a different nationality but how true! I used to be of the mind that I would date and even marry from these people. Well miss me with that mess!. These are not people you date or marry. The sheer arrogance of it all. That they are better than every other group of people in this country. Yes violence did not break down and for that I am grateful to God but lack of war does not equate peace. There's a very frightening silence that has pervaded the country and some mistake it for peace.  John Githongo's article titled Rethinking the Kenyan Project' said it best:

Despite a largely non-violent election with an outcome, however contentious, celebrations by Kenyans were muted. The media showed some footage - mainly from the urban strongholds of Jubilee’s Kenyatta and William Ruto - where supporters took to the streets and danced for joy. In most of the county, however, a mournful, profound and unsettling silence set in. Cord’s challenge of Jubilee’s supposed victory, while thankfully playing out in the Supreme Court, has been accompanied by a powerful silence across entire swathes of the country. The March 4 general election carried with it multiple transitions: the end of Kibaki’s term; the implementation of a devolved system of government; and, it was the first held under what is considered among the most progressive constitutions on the African continent. Kenya ought to have had multiple reasons to celebrate; yet in much of the country, particularly as the dispute over the presidential election unfolded and then proceeded to the courts, it is as if a climate of mourning – manifest in a powerful silence - has taken hold.
I have grappled with the reason for this silence because it is clearly more than simply because one candidate won, and another lost. After all, that is the nature of all elections. There is a more troubling reality that it makes manifest: the election’s failure as a nation-building event. Indeed, it is clear – especially from the partisan and ethnic vitriol evident on social media – that Kenya emerged from this process far more polarised than ever before along tribal lines.
Unspoken publicly but articulated eventually by many Kenyans is an old narrative – Gikuyus and particularly their elite are Kenya’s problem - that is consolidating with every passing day. It was best put to me by a multi-ethnic group of professionals I sat with last week. One explained, “We all want peace so no one wants to say it too loudly, but most of us believe this election was stolen. We believe the failure of IEBC’s systems was deliberate to enable this. Then we are told of the ‘tyranny of numbers’ and it dawns on us that we non-Gikuyus are being told one of us shall never become president. We are being asked to swallow that and it’s presented as a fait accompli that we’re going to have to live with or else – tough!” Said another, “So in the silence you are talking about there is a sense that we are mourning the death of something, as if something very bad has happened or is about to happen. As if something has died… [T]he anger, humiliation and hurt are too difficult to even describe. That is the reason for your silence.”
When I travelled to Uganda not long after the NRM government of President Museveni came to power, I was told of how in Central Buganda’s Luwero region where Obote’s troops had massacred civilians en masse, the birds had stopped singing. I was told the same in Kigali when I travelled to Rwanda not long after the genocide. In Kenya, after this election, the birds may still be singing, but Kenyans have stopped talking, especially across the ethnic divide. It is a screaming silence – save for the fight on social media platforms like Facebook that allow anonymisation where a younger generation we had thought less susceptible to the bigotry of their parents and elders is having it out with vicious toxicity. Our leaders can change this or in turn be changed by it.

legal adj., adv. according to law, not in violation of law, or anything related to the law.

So yes the supreme court ruling has deemed the incoming government legal but in my eyes it lacks legitimacy.

This past one year I've determined to read inspiring and positive affirmations and thought provoking articles daily. The site that has stood out above the rest is one run by a couple: Marc and Angel. I just had a not so pleasant whats-app chat with my friend and its the final straw in a long bale that has broke the camel's back. I'm all about people thinking for themselves and killing this herd mentality that we find so comfortable yet is such an anathema to me! My father has a quote that he loves telling us; think for yourself, think wrongly if you must but think for yourself. I love that quote. My country, Kenya, is going through a history making process which I guess will charter a new path for us. After the last elections I made an inner vow not to vote unless it was for the constitution-I did vote for that- as the horror and helpless feeling coupled with frustration that the very system and processes that are supposed to allow citizens the right to chart their civil lives were all corrupted. The quest for power was much more important than human life and values.  Everyone reacted to the elections and post election violence differently. I made my decision and even my own mother could not dissuade me.  I reviewed it and I still could not find a way to vote in a detached manner such that after I could live with the aftermath. I do know that its my civil duty to vote, and countless women fought for us to have the right to vote, that blood was shed for us to be a free nation and change does require each single individual playing their part. I do know that.
I must say there is also a strong bullying trend during elections under the guise of getting everyone to vote. Its one thing to lobby, to have a discussion and all, but quite another to keep pushing and insulting and discounting personal choice. Its still a personal choice to vote and rather than the sheep mentality of doing something out of fear or just because society say so; I would assume that we would have much more qualitative voting processes and results if each person thought through why they are voting and were at peace with that. The whole if you do not vote, you cannot complain about the government or politicians for the next five years is a very stupid argument to use to get anyone to vote! Are we now proud of being complainers? is that all we look forward to? really? some incentive indeed! As a person who's heard this argument over and over....I must inform all who use this that it has not in anyway made me want to vote by any means. On the flip side what has inspired me to vote is the patriotism exhibited by my fellow Kenyans, their determination to avoid violence at all costs, the growing democratic space, the prayers and sincere fervent hope that peace will prevail. The fact that we are finally beginning to appreciate our divergent views while still seeking unity as a people living under one country. The fact that some people woke up at  1 a.m to go queue yet polling station opened at 6 a.m. The fact that when I took breakfast to my mum she asked me to carry extra food so she could share with the rest in the queue. More than anything is the fact that despite being such an ardent political fan, she has respected my decision . She presented all the reasons for me to vote and how important it was. She was quite relentless for a few weeks but finally respected me enough to let it go when I asked her to do it. She did not use that as an opportunity to keep badgering me as some have done in past two months. For all these worthy reasons, I do wish I had registered to vote but I also appreciate that I have a greater understanding of why I need to vote and what I value. It had to be done in my own time and in a manner I would be at peace .

Below are some positive words from Marc and Angel site that inspired me today:
1. This moment will be part of your story someday.  It’s not right or wrong.  It’s not perfect.  It just is – a blank canvas – a completely unrestricted space that you can use as you please.  To laugh.  To get rambunctious.  To muse.  To create.  To express your freedom to be as you are.
2. We spend so much of our lives going through the external motions of what society tells us ‘maturity’ is – getting married, buying houses, working our way up the corporate latter, etc. – that we fail to concentrate on our own inner growth and goals. 
3.Living your truth daily. The  world can easily be a tragedy if all you do is feel without ever acting.  To feel something and believe in it, and not to live it, is lying to yourself.  If you do this for too long you will never do more than exist meekly from one robotic motion to the next.  You will live a lie every day as the truth haunts your thoughts every night.  You simply can’t get away from your truth by moving dishonestly from one place to the next.
4.The joy and freedom of an open mind. Your perspective on things is important; it enables you to make sense of the life you lead.  Always keep in mind, though, that different people have different perspectives, and yours isn’t the only one that makes sense.  There are few black and white facts in this world.  Most facts are simply interpretations.  You begin to learn wisely when you’re willing to see life from other people’s perspectives too. Even as you grow wiser and wiser with age you must remind yourself that an understanding is never absolutely final.  What’s currently right could easily be wrong later.  
5. Success in life does not depend on always being or proving that you’re right.  To make real progress you must let go of the assumption that you already have all the answers.  You can listen to others, learn from them, and successfully work with them even though you may not agree with every opinion they have.  When people respectfully agree to disagree, everyone benefits from the diversity of perspective.
6. Forget what everyone else thinks of you; chances are, they aren’t thinking about you anyway.  If you feel like they always are, understand that this perception of them watching you and critiquing your every move is a complete figment of your imagination.  It’s your own inner fears and insecurities that are creating this illusion.  It’s you judging yourself that’s the problem.
7. You judge yourself by telling yourself a story inside of your head.  Every moment of every day you’re telling yourself this story.  You are building your future around this story, so tell it right.  Create a positive narrative about your dreams and goals that include only the circumstances that matter.  What you think others are thinking about you is not part of this narrative, and neither are your negative self-judgments.
8. You are never at the total mercy of life’s surprises.  No matter what life throws at you, you can decide what these events mean to you in the short term, the long term, and how you will integrate them into your life.  Everything that happens is subject to your interpretation of it.  Thus, far more important than what happens, is what you choose to do with what happens, and your options are abundant.The life you live is ultimately the life you choose.  Choose to focus on the negative, and negativity will indeed surround you.  Turn your focus to the positive possibilities, and these possibilities gradually become realities in your life.

I'm going through something that I probably don't understand...I presume its a form of self discovery...that never ending journey. I purposed to read as many inspirational articles in line with being authentic. I'd like to share one that I read today that just spoke to me so specifically. I felt like someone was reading my life.

The article is by Jennifer Boykin at the change blog:

How Breaking the Rules Taught Me to Trust Myself

I've been very uninspired and almost downcast these past week or so. There have been a lot of stuff that have happened but none of them have accounted for just how despondent I've been feeling. It is a hard month right after the holidays so business has been slow. Intellectually I have understood this but its also not been easy.
Today somehow in the midst of my mini- depression, i somehow decided to just go a head and start working on one of the fashion events I've been planning for this year.  I somehow seem to be always consulting others and waiting before doing any of these fashion events! a fact that surprises me since I'm such an independent decision maker, more often than not I'm usually informing people of my ideas or thinking aloud than really asking for their advice. All in all its just lead to crippling procrastination!

One of the biggest demotivating factors I've realized is doing nothing. You'd rather do something  in imperfect conditions even have flawed results than do nothing! That is the lesson for me in January, not that I've done nothing this whole month. I have had some clients and done more marketing and deal chasing than ever did as a relationship associate! Some of it has borne fruit, the rest I am sure will do during the year, but my personal confidence in my skills  has grown indeed.

I've been meaning to host a clothes swap for so long but i have always found a reason not to do it. So on this Friday   sat down and wrote what kind of swap I'd like, the target, the items to be swapped etc. I sent out the invites and now for the next few days its my main project second to my best friends wedding where I'm a best maid. In fact the minute I involved myself actively in managing the stuff needed for the bridesmaids, I started to enjoy myself. I have a need to be useful in a manner that makes sense to me.

I just wanted to write down how doing something does increase your motivation