Divine creativity equals unusual me

By now I must have nauseated everyone with my love for new year and trust me you aint heard anything yet! There are things I would like to do/be in the coming year..and not necessarily some rigid laid down resolution but rather an aspiration or beacons to guide me in the coming year.

      GOD.

I would like to get to know God again. I tried the whole knowing Him the way I used to know him and it did not work coz I had changed even though he had not. By knowing Him I do not mean Church, activities , people but God in terms of reading the Bible and loving it as I used to and praying ,talking to God, listening to Him, chilling with Him. I know that sounds strange to some people but I miss that.

      FAMILY

I think in the year that was I really took my family for granted and friends took the front seat while my family took the backseat. I have been stingy with my time and resources to my shame. I love my mum, my dad and my brothers. For me that is family but I have also been brought up to believe that the other extended members do matter and so in this coming year I want to honour them. I could show more patience and compassion. On that note I would also like to give my father another chance

      READING

I have read many books this year but the diversity has been very limited and I must admit the quality very questionable and so I want to go back to the old me that was not only well read but also reading widely on various subjects. I have managed to clock a whole year without reading a newspaper or bothering with Local news and that trends ends in 2010. I can honestly say that despite the hateful political content of most local news there is also a lot I have missed out on.

      FRIENDS

There are friends whom I neglected shameless in this year that is ending and one in particular whom I feel I want to try and mend fences. It taken a year but finally I can honestly say I miss her. The goopd thing is that the male friendships that were wrought with so many issues have more or less calmed down. I am not as close to them as I used to be but it is as it should be as most have settled down with their significant others. More than that there are no co-dependent relationships lingering and In the coming year I want to maintain healthy relationships with them.

I have to leave as I have to go meet some Realtor….yes I want to live alone. Happy Holidays. Part two tomorrow

Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom- ANAIS NIN

I follow Karen from CHOOKOOLOONKS almost religiously and I got two great ideas from her and Rawkin whom she referenced in her blog. One was about journaling, something I abandoned last year. It’s ironical but I seem unable to blog and journal concurrently; as if the two are mutually exclusive. She gave some very good ideas as regards journaling and I can’t wait to try them out. I don’t feel like I can really blog about those personal thoughts and for some reason I don’t feel like sharing those thoughts with my friends. A common occurrence sadly. I go through phases where I need to more or less cocoon myself away from everyone when it comes to my intimate thoughts and so going back to journaling will be a great way to balance it out. My favourite journal idea was the ‘Morning Pages’. The idea is actually espoused in Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way, and the concept is this:  first thing in the morning, before you even turn on your computer, you write at least 2 pages (The Artist's Way actually suggests 3 pages) of whatever comes to your head -- completely stream-of-consciousness, without any particular attention to spelling or grammar, simply spilling all the thoughts that are cluttering your mind every morning. Karen says ‘To be honest with you, I rarely go back and read these pages -- but what I've found is that just doing this clears my head for the day, and gets rid of the superfluous thoughts so that I can focus on what's important to me for the day.  It's just a nice little clearing exercise. One tip that my friend Jen gave me that I try to maintain:  try to do the to-do list and the morning pages (if you do them) before you turn on your computer.  In this way, you can be sure to focus what's important to you for the day before your email inbox decided to rule your world.  Your email should supplement what you want to accomplish for the day, not take it over.’

I am definitely going to try the morning pages idea. Karen also had a second idea of a vision board-a board which would visually capture the things that you hope for yourself for the year to come. For some ideas of what others have done check out this. Rawkin decided to spin that and do a Vision book in lieu of a vision board. Rawkin says’ Essentially this, in my opinion, is best done by flipping through expendable periodicals with print and/or pictures, such as magazines, sales fliers, newsletters, catalogs, etc., and finding either things that you want, that you like, that just draw you and you don't know why, or all of the above. Along with the comp. book, grab yourself a regular old glue stick, and a pair of scissors, then head to your mailbox and/or stack of old magazines.

Begin to flip through, relaxing your analytical mind so that your creative right brain can take the lead. Don't judge yourself. Whatever sparks your interest, be it a group of words, an item, a picture, a setting, even something that falls outside any of these options but represents something that YOU like, cut out and put to the side. 

This process doesn't have to be neat.

It doesn't have to be tidy. 

No one other than you has to see it.

And on that note, it doesn't have to make objective sense. Do what YOU like, and if a picnic basket reminds you of hiking in the desert, something you've longed to do (although I'd have no idea why, it's HOT out there), cut it out! It means "hiking in the desert" now.

Now, here comes the fun part. You can glue things onto the pages of your comp. book as you cut, or you can wait until you have a stack of oddly shaped bits of paper to work with, then start glueing. (see notes above, in big print, to guide you here. Again, turn off your analytical mind. Just go to town creating what YOU like). 

You may find this process addictive.

(I do too.)

You may, in addition, find that weeks may go by without you even thinking about this process.

(I do too.)

Either way, it works the best if, from time to time (daily is optimal but do what you can/want) you flip through the book, admiring your handiwork, imagining with joy and gratitude a life that matches what you see in the pages.

And you WILL see trends that you didn't expect.

(I do too.)

It's an enjoyable thing. It's cheap, easy, doesn't take up much time, and definitely goes into that self-care & self-love category, which is all-important and definitely underfed in just about all of our lives.’

So starting from tomorrow I will start the morning pages while the vision book will have to wait till next week when I am back from my out of town trip. Who wants to join me….and we can share pictures of the same…

I went to bed exhausted and did not fall asleep till past 5am in the morning. The night before I slept for two hours then stayed awake till morning. There is a book I’m, reading that has the first stanza to Bethany Dillon’s song “Beautiful”  and It’s like one of my favourite songs ever. The authors were saying how its ironical that women feel that they are both NOT ENOUGH and yet at the same time TOO MUCH.

"Beautiful"

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I like what I do. I’m at work and today is a good day. Maybe it’s because I did not spend my whole Christmas break in a drunken stupor or followed and more disgusting path as one chic who did not see the need for showering and changing her clothes the whole entire time.

I feel so rested and not frantic  as I was in the last week leading to the break. This month has been one hell of a month and that is an understatement yet today it doesn’t look so grim. I am so looking forward to New Year’s. Mostly coz it’s like my favourite holiday. I love beginnings but also coz this year needs to end hopefully on a good note.

I learnt that sometimes we hurt our friends so bad that we can’t take back what we have done and at the same time lack the words to express how sorry you are and how appalled you are that you actually did such a thing to your friend and so you keep quiet not because you don’t care but because words would cause more offence.

I keep meaning to write light and fun posts and end up writing sad and heavy ones……eurggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

On a much lighter note I finally heeded to my housemates call to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta. What a hoot!!!I love Nene with her madness, hoodness, bluntness and crazy laughter. Incidentally if she were in Kenya, her name would not be pronounced like that or it would be spelt Nini, which is Swahili for ‘What?’ I loathe Sheree with equal fervor. The woman is pretty but ugly in her inner being. Such evilness is just too much and the sheer conceit that makes her believe women are just dying to be her! I don’t even believe that anything about her is sincere..even her smiles are contrived. Yikes. Of all the women…I respect Lisa the most for having a career or businesses. The whole housewife thing is some strange alien thing that in all honesty I look down upon and she is not over the top in being extravagant as the rest. I also admire the relationship she has with her hubby and kid…and DAMN at 38 that woman is the ish!!..no wonder the husband is 7 years younger than her but you wouldn’t know it. Kim honestly is trailer trash who needs medication or to be locked up. For Real. When Lisa told her at the reunion that she would flip her over the couch. EPIC! I died of laughter!!!!I don’t hate Kim, I don’t admire her or like her. I pity her with all that Botox treatment, fake wig , stupid lies and affair with some married man called ‘big poppa”….and let’s not forget she spells cat as K-A-T.  Deshawn is some combination of blandness, lack of personality and waste of space. She is everything that I have nightmares of one day waking up and finding myself as having mutated into. She is what some would call the perfect lady. All prim and proper. Always smiling and not offending others. YUCK YUCK. She doesn’t work…that foundation is not work in my opinion. I like the concept of empowering young girls to have confidence in who they are…but what example are you setting? Marry a rich NBA player, have kids, stay in a enormous manor with an army of workers and spend cash like a locust plague attacking all greenery in its path? Don’t think so. No wonder she was bumped off by season 2. Kandi the singer replaces Deshawn and the only thing I have to say is ‘ Chic ARE YOU INSANE?’ ….How do you even entertain the thought of marrying a man with 6…yes S-I-X children….wait for it…4 baby mamas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I cannot even imagine hooking up with a dude with one baby mama…four??????????????????I mean is it that you crave drama the magnitude of a hurricane in your life?..I hate being controlled and most of the fights I have had with my mum has been over her trying to control my life but on this one I have to agree with Kandi’s mum…that man should not be considered for marriage..eish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!In closing the funniest bit which still kills me is where Nene says how in all the years she has known Kim she has never heard Kim sing…that Kim doesn’t even hum..and she proceeds to hum!!!!!!!!!!!11You have to see that to really get it.

That said and done. This was Fun. HAPPY HOLIDAYS

I love The Fray…like insanely and below is a song I have probably posted like a million times. Last year at time like this I did not know that in a few weeks my life would change in way my mind would never imagine but at this time I was in love and all happy like a lark so to say. Ignorance is either a curse or bliss as most so often claim. The person who introduced me to this song told me that this song became meaningful to them when they were going through some pretty dark times and hence for him the song should have been named ‘where were you?’ at which I would passionately disagreed saying the song is aptly named for indeed when all is said and done God does find us..for me the song has a spiritual aspect…and a romantic aspect….weird I know..but the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

I posted this song coz at this point I so get where dude says he meets God at a corner smoking his last smoke..I used to think that is so blasphemous and all..but to me it’s real..not that I think God puffs away but the imagery is where all ceremony, pretense and masks are flung aside and all remains is the naked truth..the ugly nasty ugly truth…but truth nonetheless. There is a quote I once heard on one of my favourite shows that says ‘When it hurts so much you can’t breathe; that’s how you stay alive’

I look at my life and I want to hide under some big rock and wake up and find out that this is NOT my life. That is what is driving the sporadic but frantic need to use anything to escape the reality that is my life be it alcohol or partying or people. It is self destructive but facing my life is even more unbearable. The truth is I never really escape it. It’s like my last year of campus is being rewound with triple the disappointment, the disillusion, and more dire consequences from my escapism. The Fray’s song cable car has a line that says ‘I wish you were a stranger I could disengage’…I wish I were a stranger to myself so I could detach completely but my thoughts are with me even at those moments when I should be losing myself in something or someone.

Probably melodramatic but I have no idea where my life is going. If I even have career let alone a job. At this point the question that keeps haunting me is whether I made a fatal decision in terms of my job. More than that is WHAT NEXT? Do I throw more money after bad money in  a manner of speaking./ time is a luxury I do not have. How do I redeem the time I have spent in this company? Do I stay? Do  I cut my losses and walk? Where I’m I going? Do I want to stay in the same industry? Is this some sign that maybe it’s time to give LCF a serious consideration? In those moments when I am perfectly still…like just before I fall asleep when I am half awake and half asleep…it’s like it’s some seductive pull like that is what I should be doing and maybe I am currently where I am because I have not completely sold myself to this career path….I don’t know….as I said Lost and Insecure…All I know it is unacceptable for me to be at this same exact pitiful detestable place next year…I would rather even join the bandwagon an get married…and we all know my opinion on that…

My faith in God is so on the line. I am asking Him where is He?....Why is He not doing something?....If He is…..what is happening?....I feel surrounded and I’m like dear Lord please help…you know how much it’s more than just the job….I NEED HELP…

That said and done…This year I am hosting on Christmas day….It’s never been my favourite days but this year I am changing that….of course with a rooftop party to cap it…and New YEARS which is like my favourite holiday will be spent with my friends out of town…Happy Holidays people…It’s never that serious

Lyrics to You Found Me :

I found God... on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West... was all but won
All alone... smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?"... He said, "Ask anything".

Where were you... when everything was falling apart.
All my days... were spent by the telephone
It never rang... and all I needed was a call
That never came... to the corner of 1st and Amistad

Lost and insecure... you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor... surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?... Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late... you found me, you found me.

But in the end... everyone ends up alone
Losing her... the only one who's ever known
Who I am... who I'm not and who I wanna place
No way to know... how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure... you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor... surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?... Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late... you found me, you found me...

The early morning... the city breaks
And I've been calling... for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve... taking all I want

Lost and insecure... you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor... Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure... you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor... surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?... Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late... you found me, you found me!

Why'd you have to wait... to find me, to find me?

(Thanks to Luigi for these lyrics)

I found God... on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West... was all but won
All alone... smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?"... He said, "Ask anything".

Where were you... when everything was falling apart.
All my days... were spent by the telephone
It never rang... and all I needed was a call
That never came... to the corner of 1st and Amistad

Lost and insecure... you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor... surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?... Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late... you found me, you found me.

But in the end... everyone ends up alone
Losing her... the only one who's ever known
Who I am... who I'm not and who I wanna place
No way to know... how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure... you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor... surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?... Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late... you found me, you found me...

The early morning... the city breaks
And I've been calling... for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve... taking all I want

Lost and insecure... you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor... Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure... you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor... surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?... Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late... you found me, you found me!

Why'd you have to wait... to find me, to find me?

Eddie Levert]
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Na, Na
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Dun, Na
(Come On)
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Na, Na, Na
(Heyyyyy)
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Dun, Na

[Walter Williams]
Took me a while, but i'm finally here
So i just wanna testify, make it crystal clear
(Take Ya Time)
See I've been picked out, to be picked on
Talked about out my friend's mouth
I've been beat down, til' he turned my life around
(Turned my life around)

[Chorus: Walter Williams]
Seems like I always fall short of being worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough, but he still loves me (Yeah)
I ain't no superstar, spotlight ain't shinin' on me (No, No, No, No, No)
Cuz I ain't good enough,(no) but he still loves me
(Loves Me!)

[Beyonce]
I used to, wake up some days, and wished I had stayed asleep (why cant you girl)
Cuz I went to bed on top of the world, today the world's on top of me
Now everybody's got opinions (They Share)
They ain't been in my position (They Don't Care)
And it breaks my heart when I hear
what they have to say about me
(What they say about you)

[Chorus: All]
Seems like I always fall short of being worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough, but he still loves me
I ain't no superstar, spotlight ain't shinin' on me
Cuz I ain't good enough,(no)but he still loves me
(Loves Me!)

I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong (If you understand me sing with me)
I'm trying my best
But It aint good enough (But the Lord is so good to me)
Shunned by the world (if you shunned by the world, world, world )
If I don't succeed (Shunned by the world)
Cuz I aint good enough (I ain't good enough)
But he still loves me (But the Lord still loves me)


[Bridge: Angie Stone, Beyonce, Choir]
If you ain't worthy just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed to be loved....loved
Stand for him or fall for anything
Cuz through his eyes we all look the same
What will we do, without blame

[Chorus: All]
Seems like I always fall short of being worthy (We are not worthy)
Cuz I ain't good enough, but he still loves me
I ain't no superstar, spotlight ain't shinin' on me
Cuz I ain't good enough,(no)but he still loves me (me me)


I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm trying my best
But It aint good enough (But the Lord is so good to me)
Shunned by the world (if you shunned by the world)
If I don't succeed (Shunned by the world)
Cuz I aint good enough (I ain't good enough)
But he still loves me (But the Lord still loves me)x2

No I ain't good enough (No, No, No, No)
But he still loves me (Raise your hands if you understand)
No I ain't good enough (How he blesses you, coz he blessed me too)
But he still loves me (Even though I ain't worthy)
No I aint good enough (You ain't worthy,we ain't worthy he's there for you)
But he still loves me (No matter what I do)
No I aint good enough (I ain't good enooooooooough)
But he still loves.....me (But the Lord still loves...me)

London College of Fashion is a unique centre of learning. With an international reputation for fashion education, London College of Fashion offers an unparalleled range of courses for students; from fashion design and technology, management and marketing to communication, promotion and image creation. The college's emphasis lies firmly on professionalism and aiming to create an inspiring and instructive learning environment for students.
Fashion is an international language. This outlook is reflected in the high number of international students that come to the college. This is further enhanced by the many academic links with colleges across the world. UK and European students are also encouraged to study their subject with a global perspective. To help aid them in this approach exchange programmes have been set up in New York, Madrid, Budapest, Florence, Berlin and Amsterdam. Students are also offered the opportunity to undertake work experience abroad.
The college and the fashion industry enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship, one that the London College are constantly seeking to expand. The success rate of graduates gaining fashion-related employment is high, reflecting both the college's reputation for excellence in fashion education and the fact that this is recognised by the industry.

The London College of Fashion is the largest of the various institutions offering Fashion courses, and the one which provides most options for study. Postgraduates or those with three years of experience in the industry can sign up for a straight Fashion MA covering all aspects of the course, or choose to study a specific area such as technology, photography or purchasing. The London College of Fashion is the leading institution of its kind, and alumni include Anthony Gormley, Alexander McQueen, Jarvis Cocker, Stella McCartney, Peter Kindersley and Katherine Hamnett. The college itself has an extremely relaxed but professional vibe, and students in either full or part time courses will find themselves well supported by first rate staff. Literally, the best fashion college in the world

The London College of Fashion began in 1906 as a trade school for girls, but is now an international fashion school with guest lecturers like Jimmy Choo and Donatella Versace. The school was also recently in the news for its Faith and Fashion initiative which explored Muslim fashion and the controversial burqa.
The London College of Fashion hosts international students from abroad and has held a pilot short course project in Dubai. It also offers study abroad for some of its students, including a three week study of Ayurvedic principles in India. The College is part of the University of the Arts London and benefits from its position in the commercial capital city and all its networks, both internationally and internally.

TODAY I SOLD MY SOUL AWAY TO A CORPORATE. MY PAL ONCE SAID WELCOME TO THE RAT RACE…He was right…It’s time I started looking for a job or getting ready to go back to school. At 26 I sure don’t have the luxury of time to keep waiting for what will never materialize…I have less than one month to figure out what’s next.

Unfinished business should be finished. UST ,not good for the body, mind and soul. ‘nuff said

The year is drawing to a close and without even looking for it I found a song to say what I have been unable to put into words…Nothing you go through is ever wasted. This is to the three parties involved…those still here and those who are not…The song is by Common featuring Lauryn Hill…The lyrics are in their raw form

Yo we gotta start respectin life more y'all
You look at your brother man you gotta see yourself
Gotta see the God within him
Brothers gettin changed real quick over nothin
We losin too many of ours
Gotta recreate y'all
Yo check it

Knowin you the best part of life do I have the right to take yours
Cause I created you irresponsibly
Subconciously knowin the act I was a part of
The start of somethin, I'm not ready to bring into the world
Had myself believin I was sterile
I look into mother's stomach, wonder if you are a boy or a girl
Turnin this woman's womb into a tomb
But she and I agree, a seed we don't need
You would've been much more than a mouth to feed
But someone, I woulda fed this information I read
to someone, my life for you I woulda had to leave
Instead I lead you to death
I'm sorry for takin your first breath, first step, and first cry
But I wasn't prepared mentally nor financially
Havin a child shouldn't have to bring out the man in me
Plus I wanted you to be raised within a family
I don't wanna, go through the drama of havin a baby's momma
Weekend visits and buyin J's ain't gon' make me a father
For a while bearing a child is somethin I never wanted to do
For me to live forever I can only do that through you
Nerve I got to talk about them niggaz with a gun
Must have really thought I was God to take the life of my son
I could have sacrificed goin out
To think my homies who did it I used to joke about, from now on
I'ma use self control instead of birth control
Cause $315 ain't worth your soul
$315 ain't worth your soul
$315 ain't worth it

[Lauryn Hill (two layers of vocals, same words)]
I, never dreamed you'd leave, in summer
You said you would be here when it rained
[Common] Yo
Why didn't you stay

Seeing you as a present and a gift in itself
You had our child in you, I probably never feel what you felt
But you dealt with it like the strong black woman you are
Through our trials and tribulations, child's elimination
An intergration of thoughts I feel about the situation
Back and forth my feelings was pacin
Happy deep down but not joyed enough to have it
But even that's a lie in less than two weeks, we was back at it
Is this unprotected love or safe to say it's lust
Bustin, more than the sweat in somebody you trust
Or is it that we don't trust each other enough
And believe, havin this child'll make us have to stay together
Girl I want you in my life cause you have made it better
Thinkin we all in love cause we can spend a day together
We talkin spendin the rest of our lives
It's too many black women that can say they mothers
but can't say that they wives
I wouldn't chose any other to mother my understanding
But I want our Parenthood to come from Planning
It's so much in my life that's undone
We gotta see eye to eye, about family, before we can become one
If you had decided to have it the situation I wouldn't run from
But I'm walkin, findin myself in my God
So I can, discipline my son with my writin
Not have a judge tellin me how and when to raise my seed
Though his death was at our greed, with no one else to blame
I had a book of Afrikan names, case our minds changed
You say your period hasn't came, and lately I've been sleepy
So quit smokin the weed and the beadies and let's have this boy

[Lauryn Hill]
I, never dreamed you'd leave in summer
You said you would be here when it rained
You said you would be here when it rained
Ohh I, never dreamed you'd leave in summer
Now the situation's made things change
Things change
Why, didn't you stay
Why didn't you stay...
I, never dreamed you'd leave, in summer
In summer
You said you would be here when, it rained
When it rained, it rained
Ohhhohh I, never dreamed, you'd leave in summer
You said you wouldn't leave
Now the situation's made things change
Things change, why didn't you stay?
Stay, stay stay stay stay stay stay
Mmmmm, stayyy
Uh-uh
Ohh why didn't you stay..

Today is one of those days when I wonder IF I want to do this for the rest of my life. I am currently so frustrated that even tears cannot help me..yet in the next breath a client calls and makes me happy I do what I do…I OFFICIALLY ETERNALLY LOATHE,HATE,ABHORR AIU…nuff said

Wake up lonely with you
by my side
One more night it doesn't feel
There are movies playing
in your eyes
You dream of our fortunes
But you're wrong
I don't belong to you
The moon is the only friend
I have outside
One more drink
and I'll be healed
I told you the words and then knew it was a lie
I wish I could offer an appeal
You're wrong
I don't belong
You're wrong
I don't belong to you
What I'd give for that
first night when you were mine
You were mine
Tried with all that I have to
keep you alive
Alive
Alive
I wasn't taught this way
With a thousand things to say
I was born with a broken heart
What I'd give for that first night
when you were mine
Thought you were mine
So I'll put this cigarette to bed
Pull some sheets from off your side
I put my arm around
you safe in the night
Still dreaming of fortune
But you're wrong
I don't belong
You're wrong
I don't belong
You're wrong
I don't belong
I don't belong
I don't belong

Lyrics to the song belong by Cary Brothers

My home girl is graduating with the title of ‘doctor’ so a gazillion hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has worked hard and has gone through hell and back. I am so proud of her that no words can express it. God has sure been faithful to us guys this year. So that’s awesome news.

In a few hours I start my leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yipee…My body is already out of here….and tonight partyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!That is if my limping foot lets me. I decided on Leopard beach resort and man I’m excited like wow!

I started going to the gym two weeks ago and I am proud to say I am loving the result that it will yield in the future. For now its aches and pain but I feel much better for having taken control. When they say working through the pain…you learn that when working out.

Finally got my hands on EAT.LOVE.PRAY will read it while on leave.

I forgot my phone at home hence I have stayed a whole day without my phone. A major feat.

This wasn’t a real post just to say my girl is a doctor and I’m going on vacationJ

Today I will let words from Jemima’s blog speak what’s in my heart coz I am unable to pour out the bucket loads of words in me…

The surest way to become unhappy is to keep your hurt inside.

If there is a secret to mental health, this is it: tell the people who hurt you that they hurt you when they hurt you.

Hurt is the pain of the moment. Hurt is happening right now. Its cause is right in front of you. Hurt speaks for itself, motivating you to limit your pain.

Anxiety is pain in the future. It may happen, and then again, it may not. Anxiety inspires you to get out of the way of danger.

Withheld hurt turns into anger. Anger helps you to express your hurt by energizing you to protect yourself.

When you hold in hurt, you redirect your anger at yourself. Such inward anger is called guilt. It serves no positive purpose. It only makes you think of getting even, fills your head with bad thoughts, and erodes your self-confidence as you begin to doubt your goodness.

Obviously the only anger that makes sense is still attached to the hurt that caused it.

You need to learn to express your hurt as it happens.

Telling someone how he or she hurt you can be risky, because the person who hurt you is probably someone you care about.

What if the other person calls you “oversensitive” or tells you that your hurt is unimportant and doesn’t take your feelings seriously?

If the other person doesn’t care about your feelings, he or she doesn’t care about you. The sooner you know this, the better. Why waste more time?

What if the other person says he or she hurt you out of anger because of being hurt by you? It’s a good time to discover the truth, clear the air, and become friends again.

What if the other person can’t remember hurting you or simply denies that the hurtful event ever took place?

He or she may be telling the truth, because most people do not hurt others intentionally. When you are silent it is sometimes hard for others to recognize that you’ve been hurt.

Expressing your hurt sometimes puts your love or friendship on the line. It always tests your love for yourself.

It is always the right thing to do in any relationship that you value.

Express your hurt as simply and as directly as possible when you first notice it.

Tell the other person how you were hurt. You can mention that you are angry, but don’t display the anger or attack. That will only hurt the other person, who won’t be able to listen, making matters worse.

Whatever you do, don’t allow your hurt to age.

If you cannot express your hurt to another person, you cannot express your love, for old anger blocks positive feelings.

If you value your love, you need to express your hurt.

Holding in hurt is the way that love dies.

I show my hurt when I am hurt..

so I can feel love the rest of the time.

A friend played for me some baby face music and it took me back to the good music of the 90’s and of course I had to share lyrics to one of my favourite songs in the grown and sexy album. Enjoy

about you, about you,
it's the, it's the

early evening conversation
sharing how the day went down
cancel dinner reservation
cause i'd rather just hang out
just the two of us

sitting at home just watchin movies
or jsut be chillin at the crib
call up and order us some take out
or maybe somethin' from the fridge
then have some one on one

sometimes we wake up too each other
wrapped inside each others arms
oh what i wish that we were lovers
but you don't want to go that far
that's not who you are
you wanna know what's in my heart
then open your arms


it's the getting to know you
all about you
it's the thing i most desire
getting to know you
being around you
turns the passion into fire
and i'm so alive
everyting i look into your eyes
i'm falling in love

early morning conversation
blowin kisses thru the phone
knowing your thoughts before you say them
see i just called to say hello
ain't it wonderful

the way i feel when we're together
especially when you're in my arms
i can make love to you forever
but you don't want to go that far
that's not who you are
you wanna know what's in my heart
then open your arms

it's the getting to know you
all about you
it's the thing i most desire
getting to know you
being around you
turns the passion into fire
and i'm so alive
everytime i look into your eyes
i'm falling in love


{bridge}

(everyday's a)
everyday's a cause for celebrating
(so amazed i'm)
i'm so amazed you spend yoru time with me
(my anticiapa-ting)
see every day is a brighter day anticipating
ooh i'm...
this might be the night
that you-
make love-
sweet!

Down memory lane…Some time back a friend of mine reminded me of a tale about my little brother…I have two younger brothers and both have been thoroughly spoilt by my mum as at some point they have been lastborns. The actual lastborn was born when my family was what you would call comfortable and there was hired help to do whatever he may need. So it was to our shock and amusement when my father regaled us with a very surprising scene he had come across in my brothers room. At that time my brother was about 10 years old. Apparently he convinced the help to allow him to sleep in the morning with his hands and feet up in the air so that the help could oil and dress him for school…my father saw this bizarre scene twice silently without my brother’s knowledge. We could not believe our ears. In any case I was really shocked that he would be comfortable with such a thing…of all the nonsense in the world! Of course as usual my mother rushed to his defence saying he was so young…her ‘baby’…of course that just allowed my father, my other brother and I the opportunity to make fun of him calling all babyish names…which annoyed my mother to no end..but no one could reason with her as regards spoiling my brother or show her how ridiculous it was for such  a grown up child(Oxymoron?) to be dressed and more so in bed! The picture my dad painted had us all laughing including the culprit himself…Those were good days for my family…it was such incidences that had us all rallying for my small brother to go to boarding school for two years. I must say he completed his terms yesterday and he is much more independent no thanks to my mum who actually cried when we  took him to school.

Talking of boarding schools….My brother went to one just a few kilometers from us hence we would visit as frequently and the facilities were up to standard. I was talking to another friend of mine about the mad bomber series in Passive aggressive Notes when I informed him that for one year while in Primary(elementary school) I went to boarding school in a very remote part of the country. I was very young though at the time I considered myself very grown up. My mother says I was born independent that if I could have crawled from my womb I would have 9 months notwithstanding. Three of my cousins were already at that school and so each time they visited I begged my parents to let me join them and eventually they gave in figuring my two older cousins would take care of me while the other one who was my age would keep me company and in any case I had proved quite a survivor in my few years or so my dad would have me believe. The tales of that school could keep a blog running for quite some years but one I want to share is as regards this young girl who we should call Sally. She turned out to be a mad bomber of some sort. This story has some gross details so ye of weak constitutions walk away.

Sally as with the rest of us fourth graders was 10 years or there about in this Catholic school(aka hellhole in the middle of nowhere) run by militant nuns who felt no remorse in caning us silly. All fourth graders slept in this long dorm in double-decker beds. Across from our dorm was a graveyard for sisters who had passed away and near it was this huge tree and many a tale was spun as regards the ghosts and spirits which would hover near it. Inside the dorm was one loo which was only supposed to be used for a short call and if anyone needed to do a number two they would have to brave the dark night past the graves to the other end to find the pit latrines. After hearing all the skin crawling tales no one ever dared to. The nuns shut down the electricity immediately we were in our dorms after prep classes at night. The background has been set. So in comes in Sally. Her grandmother passed away and she went for the funereal and as per custom there was food galore which she took full advantage seeing as at school food was a precious commodity. On her return to school she found that the provincial drama festivals which also meant more food and the little girl pigged her face out. That night it seemed her stomach finally revolted at the quantity and mix of food it had to endure and in the cover of darkness sally decided to perform a performance worthy of an Oscar. Sally slept in the last bed which was like closest to the bathroom but she decided for some, bizarre reason to run right to the centre of the room in darkness and squatted there and unloaded her meals then proceeded to run across the room unloading more of her meals to cap it all spraying the whole loo like the MAD BOMBER. Note all this occurred while we slept like lambs. At this point the plot thickens as two characters join in. Let’s call them Stella and Joan. These two were best friends and bunkmates. So as common practice among females , when one needs to go to the loo they are accompanied by their friends and so these two decided to brave the darkness and run across the big dorm to reach the loo. Incidentally they were barefoot. Only to encounter a big squishy wet trail on the way there and the smell was so awful and so they started screaming waking up the whole dorm. Most of us had flashlights and soon the horror that was sally’s waste was revealed. Awake, the smell was so awful and the sight so disgusting we could not imagine w e had slept through it. Joan and Stella were near tears with rage at the sight of their feet covered in excrement at 2am in the morning. Of course no one fessed up and so they decided to do a search which involved everyone getting off from their bed and stripping while the two sniffed. Now I sounds ludicrous but at the time it made sense and we were so innocent..ironically Sally was the last one to be inspected and she was refusing to get out of her bed…but she underestimated the power of two enraged girls who have sh*t on their feet.  They pulled her out of her bed and did their sniff test but more incriminating was the soiled panty found under her pillow. Disgusting does not begin to describe the whole tale. To everyone’s disappointment we could not give her a beating as the nuns would have whipped up to our graves but the tongue lashing that girl got till 5am when we could go shower, I am sure to this day her ears still ring. The nuns did whip her and punish in front of the whole school. In hindsight perhaps the school should have had better facilities after all she was only ten years old. Now I can laugh about it but that night we were all in a rage wondering why she would do such a thing but it seems some people carry the behavior into adulthood…I wonder if its mischief or just Psychological sickness…

ALAINE IS IN KENYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!yeah so she showed up at uptown and man that chic is down to earth. All I can say she is worth every groupie love she receives. AND she shook my hand.’nuff said

Chookooloonks’ Karen did an article on authenticity her exact words:

“Grab a pen and paper, and list everything you love to do that fills you with joy and/or grace.  It can be shooting photographs, or cooking, or taking a shower, or running a mile, or singing or whatever.  Write deeply profound things, or silly little things, like organizing the junk drawer in your kitchen.  Write until it exhausts you.  Just write whatever fills you with joy or grace.”

1.      Reading. When I read all else calms down. If it’s a storm going on in me or around me; it recedes. Calling it’s hobby would be to demean it. Reading takes me to places that I am unable to describe.

2.      Dressing up. There is just some joy in looking so effortlessly fabulous yet knowing it left your wardrobe in disarray.

3.      When my boys confide in me. When I give them my perspective and it’s like I have unlocked some world mystery and knowing that they trust me. It makes me feel valued and appreciated for me.

4.      Laughing so hard my legs are up in the air like a little baby. More so when watching a favourite show or sharing joke with friends

5.      Dancing. Like reading all else receded

6.      Music. When I wake up it’s the first thing I look for and at work all day it’s what keeps me motivated.

7.      Everything that pertains to blogs. Be it blogging, reading blogs, discovering blogs.

8.      Shopping. Be it shopping for the house, shoes, clothes. I love shopping…

9.      Alone time. Snuggling under my duvet doing nothing but allowing my thoughts run free. Sitting under a tree just appreciating nature while having conversations in my head that are so damn interesting it’s almost a disappointment to realize I am all alone.

10.  Internet research. I love looking or stuff in the internet. The sheer satisfaction of finding that thing which seemed impossible…

11.  Eating at my favourite restaurant whether I’m alone or with my friends.

12.  Being pampered at the Salon. It makes me feel so special.

13.  Lying in bed holding my huge teddy bear knowing that I don’t have to wake up and rush anywhere.

14.  Receiving a long email with fun news or detailing what a wonderful person I am…

15.  Words. Be it in email, snail mail, texts, blogs, books, phone conversation, face to face conversation. Words rock way better than words

16.  Men who have awesome laughs and smiles. The sounds of people’s laughter is so distinct and unique…especially if I’m into you

17.  Going on holiday to awesome places and having an awesome time.

18.  Having  hilarious conversation with my family which seem so odd to others but make total sense to us.

19.  Colour. I love colour. The bolder the better.

20.  Spending time with my friends.

Due for leave and initially it was to be here but it’s started raining and we could not risk going where it could also be raining and cold. The place is amazing as its in the middle of a national park and the facilities are beyond amazing so the other option is to the coast and I’m torn between here …IN LUST WITH THE PLACE LIKE FOR TWO RUNNING YEARS. My family was to go here some time back but each time it was fully booked. The other option is here…my boss raved about this place and it being all inclusive is very persuasive but my thoughts are filled with the former…so confused or maybe just greedyJ

For one I have laughed till tears have chucked from my eyes…Thanks to Passive Aggressive Notes

1.      MAD BOMBER Season one

2.      MAD BOMBER Season two

3.      MAD BOMBER Season three

A friend of mine once asked me if I  am manic-depressed seeing as my moods change so easily…lol…Well I am not but I just realized that I should try and think of 26 things(Not in order of importance) I am either grateful about or I am currently into:

1.      Good health

2.      Memoirs of a Geisha

3.      My family

4.      Grooveshark

5.      Sexy dresses

6.      My housemate who listens to all my madness at home and at work

7.      Saturday night hang outs at our apartments

8.      Purpose Centre

9.      Sangria

10.  Vests

11.  Boots

12.  My room

13.  My girls in and out of this country

14.  Raggea Music

15.  The bloggess

16.  Verysmartbrothas

17.  Hyperbole and a half

18.  My boss and my crazy colleague

19.   God helping me survive all the bad things this year

20.  My attitude of not buying into the myth that I am old

21.  Text messages

22.  The internet

23.  Vegetable stir-fry

24.  Easter at the coast

25.  The weekend getaway at Nyeri

26.  My boys who really complicate my life but make me the girl that I am