am not sure what am writing on but i just feel a need to write...i feel like am standing at a precipice...like either i let go and jump or do the usual ...basically chicken out. I had an interesting converstaion yesterday with Mr. Mysterious...lets just say that for once i was left speechless...and this is me who can spew 3010 words per second...but it was a good kind of speechless...those you know that if you break the flow...you would be marring a beautiful thing.... a while back one of my friend was describing to me an incident involving some potential dude in her life and she sayd how there is sth he said or did that she just found herself melting...well i finally understood what she meant......
it came as a shock but last month i finally admitted or found out how apparently i had actually loved this dude who had really hurt me......all i would ever admit was that that i had really really really liked him and he hadnt liked me as much as i did so i was hurt......but truth of the matter is apparently i loved this guy....i was so pissed to come to this realisation coz to my naive mind if i was to love someone they ought to first love me before i get to loving them and it is supposed to be this awesome thing that blows my mind and is all happy go lucky...all sunshine....well in this case it was more of a case of doubts,obsessions,insecurities,moments of joy,then not...as in truly a load of crap.....cant totallly blame the guy...i saw it all coming he was never into me but like the proverbial fool a part of me kept hoping he would grow to like me!!!!like what are these???????For the record there is no such thiong in this day and age......it was either there in the first place then it increases or it wasnt there and will never be there....it took my heart getting broken and me breaking some poor guys heart to realise that is such a load of crap we sell to ourselves. True to form this guy had liked some chic from the get go when he met her......a lovely chic i must say and they are so suited they still together till now...and are both good friends of mine.....but what i always wonder was there anything i could have done to avoid getting hurt? it all started as a joke... a silly crush.....then it became almost an obsession...yaani i knew i had to get out but could never find the will to do it......i know that sounds weak and pathetic but i would try to say i will stay away from this dude ,i wont communicate with him...but then ad miss him so much ad just find myself talking to him again hence digging myself deeper......i got so hurt that only God in Heaven knows how deep.....to this day i never blame the dude...some of my pals did.....but i knew from the get go that i wasnt the chic for him...yet.....a friend once asked me whether we ever deserve any hurt that people cause us....i still dont have an answer...but all i know is that it wasnt his fault...there were instances when he could have told me how he felt about the other gal earlier but other than that.....i think we dont dictate to our hearts whom to be attracted to...i was reading Dean sherman's book and he was defining attraction. He said that attraction is the acknowledgement that something is pleasant. It is a gift.I think i got so hurt that i made a n inner vow...somewhere in me a resolution was made to protect my heart at whatever cost.It was a subconcsious vow buit one made nonetheless....last month i really went on a soul searching mission and among the things i was wondering about was how av gone out with these dudes...liked some alot but there is a point it never goes beyond...some pita the usual defences but there is a point they never pass...and i couldnt see why?i wasnt doing so much defence work...it just was so....anyway it finally hit me......we were taught about bitter roots and inner vows....that stuff is real...i had broken some as regard my past but i had never realized that there was one that i had never...well God has been the one person i have fully and completely trusted with my heart...its my treasure...yaani its the one thing i go to any length to preserve...so this year after the wachira debacle and mr.conservative joke i decided that i would trust God but i would break that vow...and try and be brave and allow my heart to be more involved...and who is the lucky person to meet me when i finally make this decision? J....I think God really loves him coz i have been such an angel...he even asked me if am usually this nice!!!!!me?me? difficult stubborn me?.....But wonders will never cease.....its actually me...the me i am when am with Him amazes me....i am totally my usual loud self and all but i play no games with him. and truth be told i feel no need to .He is so straight forward...he says it as it is...ok leo the blog wasnt about him...am not ready to do that and no questions about his identity or whatever...
I so started one post and ended up writing another...but am on the brink of falling in love.