Divine creativity equals unusual me

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Ask me for my love


I was listening to this song by Bethany Dillon either last week or beginning of this week and it just hit me that it so expressed what am feeling and experiencing.J if i could write you a letter right from my heart the words of this song would say it best...knowing that i can never let you read this blog...and that for me its TOO TOO TOO SOON to tell you these words.....i express them in safety yet also with a hope that one day i can look into your eyes and say them confidently and happily.....sometimes i get the feeling that you dont think am in for the long haul....that i will bail out on you....for now i cant reassure you more than i have nad only time will reveal how much my love is worth. I know that silently i ask for heaven and you say you are ready to give beyond that which i ask.....i told you that i know that what we have is worth fighting for and that to me you are worth doing all that i have never attempted to do....You make me believe that all i have been waiting for is finally here and that my imagination did not even capture how good it can be...as the song says just ask me.....for my love.......am scared to be known by you yet am thrilled at the prospect of spending each and every day of my life with you...i cant imagine not having you in my life in any way.....a story that will never end.

I'm so scared that you will see
All the weakness inside of me
I'm so scared of letting go
That the pain I've hid will show

I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop

[c h o r u s]
I want you to know
You belong in my life
I love the hope
I see in your eyes
For you I would fly
At least I would try
For you I'll take
The last flight out

I'm afraid that
You will leave
As my secrets
Have been revealed
In my dreams
You'll always stay
Every breathing moment from now

I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop

[c h o r u s]

I cannot hold back
The truth no more
I let you wait too long
Although it's hard and scares me so
A life without you scares me more

[c h o r u s]
[Last Flight Out Lyrics on
http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Juzi i was listening to Plus one who are like one of my favourite groups and i have heard the above song like a zillion times especially when am jogging but on this day i just stopped what i was doing and felt like calling J and telling Him......i would love for you to be saying these words to me.....i like where it says that 'i know you want to hear me speak, but if i start to i'll never stop' sometimes you feel that i dont say enough or i keep stuff in...or that you tell me these wonderful stuff that just melt my heart and make me shut up..yet i dont say them back enough....well experience has not taught me the easiest lessons but lessons they have been nonetheless....if we are both right about us then we will have a lifetime to say whatever we want to each other.you say that i always sound happy and into you...and sometimes you wonder if its true and real....if you would have known me my whole life you could have easily realized that the cause of my seemingly never ending joy is knowing you.....as the song says i like the hope i see in your eyes..well for now you cant see me...but when you will you will see all that is in my heart before i even utter a word

Dean sherman says that love is a choice...our personality and gift of attraction kinda chooses for us potential people to be attracted to but we choose whom to love.Its true.am out

CityGirlfront page About It’s fear!
March 18, 2008 · 14 Comments
I think about it all the time. How life would be so simple and probably much easier if we, people, didn’t have pride or fear.

If at the time you find yourself getting close to someone, you totally commit to the feeling and not stress about keeping the feeling to yourself.

It’s fear. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of putting yourself out there and allowing someone to see into your heart.

And the funny thing is, in all probability, the person that you’re afraid to tell ‘Hey, I like hanging out with you, I miss you when you’re not around” is more than likely feeling the same thing too.

Oh life is so funny. People are funny.

i got this from a blog i frequent....the day i read it it gave me courage and alot of other stuff...but it challenged me andd hence that night when speaking with J..i answered a very difficult question. I was able to honestly tell him what i want from him.The olf me would have refused to answer him or played with words or answered safely.....well courage has its rewards....and again it just prooves that courage is not the absence of fear rather its doing whats need to be done with the fear inside you...Joyce Myer says do it fearfully but do it.for those who really know me the photos will make sense as they are related to the title of the post

am not sure what am writing on but i just feel a need to write...i feel like am standing at a precipice...like either i let go and jump or do the usual ...basically chicken out. I had an interesting converstaion yesterday with Mr. Mysterious...lets just say that for once i was left speechless...and this is me who can spew 3010 words per second...but it was a good kind of speechless...those you know that if you break the flow...you would be marring a beautiful thing.... a while back one of my friend was describing to me an incident involving some potential dude in her life and she sayd how there is sth he said or did that she just found herself melting...well i finally understood what she meant......
it came as a shock but last month i finally admitted or found out how apparently i had actually loved this dude who had really hurt me......all i would ever admit was that that i had really really really liked him and he hadnt liked me as much as i did so i was hurt......but truth of the matter is apparently i loved this guy....i was so pissed to come to this realisation coz to my naive mind if i was to love someone they ought to first love me before i get to loving them and it is supposed to be this awesome thing that blows my mind and is all happy go lucky...all sunshine....well in this case it was more of a case of doubts,obsessions,insecurities,moments of joy,then not...as in truly a load of crap.....cant totallly blame the guy...i saw it all coming he was never into me but like the proverbial fool a part of me kept hoping he would grow to like me!!!!like what are these???????For the record there is no such thiong in this day and age......it was either there in the first place then it increases or it wasnt there and will never be there....it took my heart getting broken and me breaking some poor guys heart to realise that is such a load of crap we sell to ourselves. True to form this guy had liked some chic from the get go when he met her......a lovely chic i must say and they are so suited they still together till now...and are both good friends of mine.....but what i always wonder was there anything i could have done to avoid getting hurt? it all started as a joke... a silly crush.....then it became almost an obsession...yaani i knew i had to get out but could never find the will to do it......i know that sounds weak and pathetic but i would try to say i will stay away from this dude ,i wont communicate with him...but then ad miss him so much ad just find myself talking to him again hence digging myself deeper......i got so hurt that only God in Heaven knows how deep.....to this day i never blame the dude...some of my pals did.....but i knew from the get go that i wasnt the chic for him...yet.....a friend once asked me whether we ever deserve any hurt that people cause us....i still dont have an answer...but all i know is that it wasnt his fault...there were instances when he could have told me how he felt about the other gal earlier but other than that.....i think we dont dictate to our hearts whom to be attracted to...i was reading Dean sherman's book and he was defining attraction. He said that attraction is the acknowledgement that something is pleasant. It is a gift.I think i got so hurt that i made a n inner vow...somewhere in me a resolution was made to protect my heart at whatever cost.It was a subconcsious vow buit one made nonetheless....last month i really went on a soul searching mission and among the things i was wondering about was how av gone out with these dudes...liked some alot but there is a point it never goes beyond...some pita the usual defences but there is a point they never pass...and i couldnt see why?i wasnt doing so much defence work...it just was so....anyway it finally hit me......we were taught about bitter roots and inner vows....that stuff is real...i had broken some as regard my past but i had never realized that there was one that i had never...well God has been the one person i have fully and completely trusted with my heart...its my treasure...yaani its the one thing i go to any length to preserve...so this year after the wachira debacle and mr.conservative joke i decided that i would trust God but i would break that vow...and try and be brave and allow my heart to be more involved...and who is the lucky person to meet me when i finally make this decision? J....I think God really loves him coz i have been such an angel...he even asked me if am usually this nice!!!!!me?me? difficult stubborn me?.....But wonders will never cease.....its actually me...the me i am when am with Him amazes me....i am totally my usual loud self and all but i play no games with him. and truth be told i feel no need to .He is so straight forward...he says it as it is...ok leo the blog wasnt about him...am not ready to do that and no questions about his identity or whatever...
I so started one post and ended up writing another...but am on the brink of falling in love.

yaani God is awesome...in the last post iwas asking God alot of questions especially why i keep hitting a wall in a particular area in my life...well jana i went to purpose centre and they had a guest speaker and the word he spoke was an answer to the questions i ahve been asking...and i thot i went there just by chance but God guides our footsteps...he was talking about time to mature up....he used the israelites as an example...God took them thru the desert cz they still had the slavery mentality and He could not allow them into the promised land,canaan with that oppressed mentality....the promised land requires more responsibility, accountability and stewardship.....God would rather we die in the desert if we are immature rather than let us enter the promised land qwith the childish mentality cz if He allows we will mess our lives.....God speaks such great in our lives but we keep wondering why they aint cutting...most of it has to do with lack of maturity...our growth is our personal responsibility...yaani that word hit home.....last year God spoke such stuff in my life but i realize that in some areas i havent taken the necessary steps....God is through with feeding me manna....it is time to grow up,truist Hip implicitly and Follow Him wherever He directs me even without the Detail of what he wants me to do or where He wants me to go......in terms of me relating with people....i have taKEN A STEP OF FAITH AND IT IS SO SCARY CZ AM USUALLY THE TYPE TO WANT THE DESTINATION BEFORE I START THE JOURNEY.I was telling someone how God is really urging me to take a risk,trust Him and just step out in a particular area of my life and he was so jazzed saying that that was what he h\as been trying to tell me and he hopes it will work in his favour....but i am....een the leadership roles i shied away from last year...i took them up this year....nway there is alot i ahve to do....i thank God that He has shown me where i need to work on and His Grace is sufficient.
On a lighter note...dint i have a lovely night jana...yaani celtel for life!!!!1111it is so awesome to finally meet someone who says whats on their mind ,who understands that women are to be cherished and are to be showered with attention.....yaani i went to bed smiling like a lovesick puppy.......
I need to get my pass to TZ by this week cz we should be heading to Dar on monday....its so exepsive its 2700 one way...as the leader i ahve the unpleasant task of deciding btn two people who gets to go and who doesnt...not funny.
After that am planning to go to Naks.....for all of you who are smirking...on business...i need to meet their youth leaders we discuss how we will do the joint camp.....
I need to write a paper on brideprice!!!!1its the number one cause for gender based violence.
I ahve said this a million times but i will say it again...I HAVE FINALLY MET MY MATCH!!!!!!!!!!INFACT AM OUTWITTED!bUT AM LOVING IT!

Lord today is a struggle.....its the testing of my resovle to surrender this area of my life to you...how its so tempting to take my life into my own hands but Lord give me grace.....for whatever am feeling or going through is common to all men and you have already provided a way out.
I dont want to be like the israelites who had to wander in the desert around the same mountain for 4o years...i ahve reached my threshold.....keep me on the straight path and my eye focused on the goal.
You way is bettter and to your blessings you add no sorrow...no good thing will you withhold from me as you beloved.
Your word says that God you are a sun and a shield to those who trust you,you bestow honour and favour. Today the cross is heavier,or so it seesm but carry it i will for i know that to carry the cross is to wear the crown and that the way down is the way up.
But as i struggle,i wonder does hesense it in his spirit?does it change anything in his day or thoughts? does he encounter any doubts?
Never have i walked this raod but trust you i will for you lead me besides green pasture.Each and every day of my life is ordained by you my very footsteps are guided by you Father.No one is allowed to enter into my life without your permission and so you know the his purpose in my life and for what period of time.
AS a JR raps" Lord Jesus would you hold my mind for my flesh is weak and am about to lose my mind" that says it best.
It all too easy so a voice whispers in my ear..follow the familiar and known path....you atleast know where it goes and control will be inyour hands" But father am weary...am weary of following that path for hwere it leads leaves me feelong hollow....as stacie orricco sings" thetre 's gotta be more to life"...and i know taht i know that iknow...that.....better is with you.....that the key is to hold on and to obey with trust...so father i will obey and keep tenaciously holding onto the promise. there is a song taht says that if i fall let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you and if i weep let me weep as aman longing for his home.
There are so many avenues open for my life but this year Lord i want to walk the path You have set before me...i need grace..for many are the different voices calling out to me.as bethany dillon says there are amillion voices calling out to me but i only want to hear yours so make the others disappear.
As Paul said he knew that what he had entrusted to you God you would keep it till that day...You know what i treasure and to what i have entrusted to you,,,and i know that you will keep it and guard it and only let me give it to the one you kept for me.am out