So my friend’s birthday party two things happened. I saw a guy I would typically be drawn to…the yellow yellow as betty my pal calls them in disdain..hihihi…and I was like hmmm perhaps this one..but he was not interested in me..something I can usually tell in a few minutes these days…Thank you Jesus for the hard lessons learnt….so for a while I was bummed…and feeling all pity party..’I am always being rejected(all so not true)…etc..I’m not pretty enough…I talk too much…I am not enough…this whole dialogue was going on in my head as I carried on interesting conversation with the rest of the people there….madness I tell you...so in my typical manner I decided to ignore this guy and talk to the rest..and I actually had fun..and then some guy started talking to me..i had not even noticed him before..and he had such interesting stuff to say..especially about giving up your dreams in order to ‘grow up’….it was so sad because I know exactly what he means and I wanted to tell him..scream if you must know…that don’t give them up completely..tuck them away..hide them but you have to eventually live that stuff..or the best of who you are dies…then it was cake cutting time..and it was pretty late plus I was till pretty bummed so I wanted to escape the scene of the atrocity against me..actually more of my pride was hurt than anything..that the yellow yellow did not like me…so I told my pal on the way home how I am not ready to go out there..meeting people and all…since my two greatest fears are failure and rejection…and what the night taught me was that it’s really unpleasant..yeah she thinks I’m barking mad…anyway thought about it slept and today ironically I made a different decision..i will stay at my job for the contract period..that is just before Christmas..it is just 3weeks..but this whole week I have been thinking about honor..and how much it means to me…and I think I can do this…so that if I leave this place..it will be in good faith. It seems unrelated but it is not…and yeah the internet says I have rejection sensitivity….meeeeeeeeeeehhhh….so what…
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