Lurking on some blogs which have stolen my affections from my usual blogs. One of the posts was about how it’s difficult to say I love you, I’m sorry and I miss you; especially to members of the opposite sex. I agree but another that hit me as being super difficult is ‘I WANT YOU’ in every sense of the word. Be it you want the person for chex or for a relationship. I think it’s like pulling teeth out of me to get me to say those words. The I love you bit is not even arguable, there are countable number of times people have heard those words from me. I kid you not and they have learnt to live with the fact that I will love you without those scary words being uttered. I will give you my time to show you I love you. I am dead serious. If it’s a dude I have spent majority of my life protecting myself from being a in a state where I feel those emotions as I think it’s vulnerable. I am comfortable liking someone, being attracted to someone but not being in love with them. The two times I have been in love with some dude have ended up with disastrous results have just reinforced my defense mechanism, so  I am not worrying my head as to how , when to say I love you….ehhhhhhhh how about almost never. I am sorry is also not an easy one especially where I feel it will do no good. When I ma mad I like being given space to be pissed till I cool down enough o listen to any apology and so I treat people the same way. If I wrong you, I give you space, apologize and then back off. I don’t do the whole begging routine as I know how much I hate it plus anyone expecting it is just a tad too full of themselves in my opinion. I miss you is the easiest for me. I never say it expecting the other person to respond likewise. To me that is emotional blackmail.

 

I WANT YOU….now that is a minefield. I am trying to imagine saying that to anyone and that person having the power to reject me. The sheer humiliation and utter irrevocability of it. You cannot take back such a statement and forever you will have said those words. Yikes. I am of the school of thought of better not to say something than to say it and suffer bad consequences. Cowardly? Yes but trust me I am defensive like that. Even when in relationships I still find it extremely difficult to utter those words. They say both parties should initiate sex but it’s scary for me as a girl . It brings to mind an episode of the sitcom’friend” where Monica decides to propose to Chandler and she is on her knees and he is taking his time. She pulls him down saying that ‘she is a girl and there is reason girls don’t do that stuff”

 

To hide a passion totally (or even to hide, more simply, its excess) is inconceivable: not because the human subject is too weak, but because passion is in essence made to be seen: the hiding must be seen: I want you to know that I am hiding something from you, that is the active paradox I must resolve: at one and the same time it must be known and not known: I want you to know that I don't want to show my feelings: that is the message I address to the other.”

Roland Barthes quotes (French Critic, 1915-1980)

                 

 

I totally get what this French dude is saying since I am more inclined to do the above and expect others to read my non-verbal cues. This post had no relevance but perhaps one day I will look back and laugh at my inability to say ‘I want you’