Divine creativity equals unusual me

cI have finally felt the siren call of my blog and i'll pay heed to it.so get ready to get back on the ride

Song: Wait
Wait, wait for the dawn my dear
Wait till the sun gets here
And you will wait too long he will be gone
Wait, wait till the sun shines through
Wait till the sky is blue
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

Wait, wait till the signs are right
Wait till the perfect time
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

La la la la la ...

Wait till you don't doubt no more
Wait till you know for sure
And you will wait too long he will be gone now


THIS SONG SPOOKS ME THE WAY SOME EMAILS SPOOK A CERTAIN FRIEND OF MINE....

Love be gentle, love be kind
As I give this heart of mine
To a new love I hope will never end
It seems like only yesterday
Love was here and went away
Out of love again but now I'm falling in

Chorus:
Fallin' in love again
I'd fallen out but there's no doubt
I'm fallin' in, love again

I know that love won't always last
When you fall in love to fast
I should know better
But here I go again

Love be strong, love be true
For what else can I do
Love is calling and I know I'm fallin' in

Chorus:
Fallin' in love again
I'd fallen out but there's no doubt
I'm fallin' in, love again

Chorus:
Fallin' in love again
I'd fallen out but there's no doubt
I'm fallin' in, love again...
.............................................
I can see you're disappointed
By the way you look at me
And I'm sorry that I'm not
The woman you thought I'd be
Yes, I've made my mistakes
But listen and understand
My mistakes are no worse than yours
Just because I'm a woman

So when you look at me
Don't feel sorry for yourself
Just think of all the shame
You might have brought somebody else

Just let me tell you this
Then we'll both know where we stand
My mistakes are no worse than yours
Just because I'm a woman

Now a man will take a good girl
And he'll ruin her reputation
But when he wants to marry
Well, that's a different situation

He'll just walk off and leave her
To do the best she can
While he looks for an angel
To wear his wedding band

Now I know that I'm no angel
If that's what you thought you'd found
I was just the victum of
A man that let me down

Yes, I've made my mistakes
But listen and understand
My mistakes are no worse than yours
Just because I'm a woman

No, my mistakes are no worse than yours
Just because I'm a woman
..........................for all who hate country music..you can go hang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

Artist: Don Williams lyrics
Album: My Heart To You
Year: 2003
Title: I've Got A Winner In You
and this one goes to my love...MUKOTO...
EVEN IF YOU DONT GET TO READ IT...ITS COOL...
I oughta know, what it’s like to loose at love
I’ve done it enough and I oughta know
But then you came my way
And tore away, the fear of pain
I won’t loose again, this time I know

I’ve got a winner in you
No way I can loose
A love I can hold on to
I’ve got a winner in you

I know how it feels, when you try and try again
And then you never win, I know how it feels
Oh but this time around
I’ve finally found what it’s all about
They write songs about, the way that I feel

I’ve got a winner in you
No way I can loose
A love I can hold on to
I’ve got a winner in you

I’ve got a winner in you
No way I can loose
A love I can hold on to
I’ve got a winner in you

Artist: Sixpence None The Richer
Song: Melody of You
you're a painting with symbols deep, symphony
soft as it shifts from dark beneath
a poem that flows, caressing my skin
in all of these things you reside and I
want you flow from the pen, bow and brush
with paper and string, and canvas tight
with ink in the air, to dust your light?
from morning to the black of night

[Chorus]

this is my call I belong to You
this is my call to sing the melodies of You
this is my call I can do nothing else
I can do nothing else

you're the scent of an unfound bloom
a simple tune
I only write variations to sooth the mood
a drink that will knock me down to the floor
a key that will unlock the door
where I hear a voice sing familiar themes
then beckons me weave notes in between
a tap and a string, a bow and a glass
you pour me till the day has passed....

Artist: Maren Ord
Song: Perfect
...THIS IS ONE IS DEDICATED TO SWEETS AND MAD THOUGHTS...LENGA THE LAST VERSE,,,am not that mushy!!!!!1
Don't close your eyes
They may not open
What if they open
Would you be alive

Everyone falls
But not everyone rises
Why don't you get up
And rise again for me

chorus

What if the world were
a little more perfect
Would you stop crying or
would you take the leap
What if the world
were a little more perfect
Would you open your eyes
and blink again for me

What about friendship
What about friends
You said the whole world
was against you
And it all had to end

What about love
What about family
What about all that
you have to live for

chorus

It isn't easy here without you
Why did you leave me
What am I supposed to do
(without you...
Artist: Kendall Payne
Song: Scratch
THIS IS ONE IS TO SCARCITY AND EDWINA....WHO FEEL ME ON THE QUARTERLIFE CRISIS.....AND MISS FOI....TRANSITION WITH ALL ITS DRAMA
It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you ever get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream
When you can't fall asleep?

I've been wondering what you're thinking
And if you like my dress tonight?
Would you still say you love me
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I'm so afraid of what you'll say.

Chorus
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

I used to think I was special
And only I have proved me wrong
I thought I could change
The world with a song
But I have ended up in India
With no lamp to guide me home.
The strangest place I think
I have ever been
And all this time
I thought that we were friends
My stubborn will is learning to bend.

Chorus
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things.

Song: Gilmore Girls Theme SongTHIS IS FOR THE GIRL IN ME THAT STILL LIKES HAPPY ENDING MOVIES AND HAS A SOFT HEART BENEATH ALL THAT HARD TOGH EXTERIOR,,,,,AND TO MAMA MBOGZ WHO GETS WHAT AM SAYING....EVEN IF SHE INVOKES THE DENIABILITY CLAUSE
Wanting you the way I do
I only want to be with you
And I would go to the ends of the earth
Cause, darling, to me that's you're worth

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

If you're out on the road
Feeling lonely, and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I'll be there on the next train

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

I always wanted a real home with flowers on the windowsill
But if you want to live in New York City, honey, you know I will
I never thought I could get satisfaction from just one man
But if anyone can keep me happy, you're the one who can

And where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead
........................................................
THE LAST ONE IS FOR THE MEN WHO LOVE US EVEN WHEN THEY DONT FULLY UNDERSTAND US.....
Artist: Bjork
Song: Human Behavior

if you ever get close to a human
and human behaviour
be ready to get confused

there's definitely no logic
to human behaviour
but yet so irresistible

there's no map
to human behaviour

they're terribly moody
then all of a sudden turn happy
but, oh, to get involved in the exchange
of human emotions is ever so satisfying

and there is no map
and a compass
wouldn't help at all

human behaviour

Artist: Gavin DeGraw
Song: I Don't Wanna Be
I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by a identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one to notice?
I can't be the only one who's learned

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

Can I have everyone's attention please
if you're not like this and that
You're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain, the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay, dust, stone
And now I'm telling everybody

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I don't want to be... hey yeaaah
I don't want to be... hey yeaaah
I don't want to be

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,




This house is echoing
With the sound of You knocking at the door
But with three locks
And the shades down
You are easy to ignore
I put You on like an old pair of shoes
I've put You off, but now I need You

Why, this love that never leaves me
Why are You holding me tonight
Can't deny this love that is given me
Why, this love will never leave

You're a good strategy when I need one
An angle when there is none
Like a doormat
That always says welcome
No matter how much dirt I rub on
But when I am tired and run through
Look over this hill, I'm running to You
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I've been having dreams and visions
In them you are always standing
Right beside me
I reach out for your hand
To see your arms extending
Outstretched towards me

For you I don the veil
By your light
Others pale by comparison
I place my faith in love
My fate in this communication

I've been having dreams and visions
In them you are always standing
Right beside me
I reach out for your hand
To see your arms extending
Outstretched towards me

To you I give my pledge
I honor all that's good
In this life we're living
To think not only of myself
But of the greater union

Can I get a witness
There is salvation and rapture for the lonely
Can I get a witness
Bless this day sacred and holy
Sacred and holy

I've been having dreams and visions
In them you are always standing
Right beside me
I reach out for your hand
To see your arms extending
Outstretched towards me

With you I am revealed
All my shame all my faults and virtues
Behold body mind and spirit
Heart and soul devoted all to you

Can I get a witness
Bless this day sacred and holy
Sacred and holy
..............................................................................
Artist: Keane
Song: Everybody's Changing
You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
Oh everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
...............................................................................
Artist: Audioslave
Song: Be Yourself

Someone falls to pieces
Sleepin all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
To finally drift away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
Catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Untill the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united?
Healthy or insane?

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

And even when you've paid enough, been pulled apart or been held up
With every single memory of the good or bad faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright

You may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

.................................................................
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

CHORUS:
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's mi

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...

CHORUS - repeat twice

More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life
.............................................................................
A time of innocence and love
Could we go back to how it was
I remember when life was so simple
You did or you didn't
You would or you wouldn't
But it ain't like that anymore
I remember when life was so easy
People said what they meant
They were either for it or against
But it ain't like that anymore
Somewhere we lost the score

(CHORUS)
Bring back the days of yea and nay
When we could plainly see the way
Then it was up to us to choose
Whether to win or to lose
Bring back the times when we could see
What it was we were to be
Caught in the midst of complexity
We search for yea and nay

I remember when life ws so simple
Parents were a light
Through them we saw what was right
But it ain't like that anymore
I remember when life was so easy
Boys grew into men, little girls to women then
But it ain't like that anymore
Somewhere we lost the score

(REPEAT CHORUS)

We knew where we belonged
What was right and what was wrong

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Need a simple yes or no
Should I stay or should I go
Life has become so advanced
Wish i had a second chance
To go back if I could
See what was bad and what was good
Now I'm here and what I fear
Is we won't find yea or nay
[ Bring Back The Days Of Yea And Nay Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

From the last post things looked dire..but i went back to God and HIS WORD reassured me....
the situation is not solved but i am trusting God,,,,,

nway this post as the title says...whats in a question...my boyfriend likes asking me ALOT of questions..at times i feel we ought to switch careers...but he says he does so to know me better and to understand me,,,he says in this serious voice that he has purposed to understand me.....to me its sweet and abit amusing....but i get it..but he doesnt just ask me frivolous questions at times...MOST TIMES he asks me very difficult questions....i talk alot but there are stuff its like getting water out of a rock to get me to talk about....
so nway yesterday as we were talking on the phone he says taht usually when i get to this heart stuff i usually start talking at superspeed as if i want to get over the ordeal....he is so perceptive...so i say i know i do that at times but its because there are some stuff which make me feel vulnerable,,,and so i just rush thru them hoping i can get back to comfortable topics....nway he said he gets that in away but it doesnt excuse it...etc...so nway thsi is me saying how i talk in stages...so he laughs...nway later he asks me WHAT IS HAPPINESS TO YOU?si i say what does that mean?the law student in me?He says exactly what it says?(does this remind anyone of a courtroom?)..so i say thats an ambiguous question....so he says am being evasive and refusing to answer...nway i could tell that he actually wanted an answer..but i was also not going to answer such an open ended question...i mean DOES ANYBODY OUT THERE FEEL ME ON HOW OPEN THIS QUESTION IS?...so he say how do you define happiness...so i say thats the same question in a different wording....i was being really stubborn....nway i said unless he wants me to answer as equally vaguely with an ans like happiness is joy...thats stupid,,,so to avoid him getting extremely irritated which i could tell he was..i said he should answer the question then ad get an idea of how to answer it..i thought he wouldnt answer....he did immediately..as inhe said to him happiness...is me and him working...having me as his bride,,,,,raising a family together,,getting a satisfying job and being in right relationship with God...yaani iwas there like wawawaw we were actually having a serious conversation..this question wasnt just a by the way....so i told him i really hadnt expected an ans..but since he has i will give him feedback later..he wasnt too jazzed but all i could think ...my answer will matter to him and if i give a flip answer...he will be hurt or he will fell let down..those times when you say sth very important to you and they dont appreciate the importance you attch to it....
so this is me trying to think of what happiness me ans to me.....
ofcourse i wont write my reply here...sorry for all the nosy people...but ad like feedback on what happiness means to the people who read this blog....
not related but below are the lyrics to a song i heard like twice and av been searching for..its so profound....

Artist: Casting Crowns
Song: Stained Glass Masquerade
Album: Lifesong

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today, feeling so small?
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away
like everything's ok
If I make em all believe it
Maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin
I'll play the part again
So everyone will see me
The way that I see them

I we happy plastic people
under shiny plastic steeples
with walls around our weakness
and smiles that hide our pain
but the invitations open
To every heart that's been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands raised?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage?
The performance is convincing
And we know every light in my heart
Only when noone is watching can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If i dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
You imagine me to be
Or would your eyes be opened
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?

Chorus 2x

if the invitations open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today, feeling so small?

as i sit here am so tired..not physically but mentally and emotionally..my spirit is so low....i knew this day would come but in my naivety i assumed it would be much later........
i have been informed by my mother of how i need to end my relationship with J....because he is not good enough.....isn't it amazing that people reject the same species or people who have come from where they have come from.........i cannot repeat the awful things i had to hear this morning...to make it worse i so did not see this coming........two weeks ago J said that he knows adversity is coming ahead....well its here.....
truth be told....this has to do with more than him...its confirmed what i have always known that my folks are control freaks..they think that by virtue of having kids its like having puppets..you get to control everything that they do.............
i cant even write am just...wondering why this had to happen now..i need to read for my exams.....nway God is my light and my salvation...He is the stronghold of my life..the Bible says that though my father and mother reject me...the Lord will receive me.......
yaani i need spiritual covering cz this is fire men.

i have no specific reason for writing and no defined structure but by the end of this i hope it will be worth it.
i have been having random thoughts and questions lately...like is it ok for your friend to keep discussing stuff with your boyfriend or girlfriend whichever applies....which the two of you have discussed...for example...if scholar is my pal and J is my guy and they happen to be friends through me,,,,and i tell scholar about sth is it ok for her to discuss it with J?
its funny how after passage of time things look different.....hindsight does give perspective on some stuff....below is an entry from one of my blogs in another site about a year or so ago
Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 10:57pm (PST)
does anyone ever like change?i feel that there are too many changes happening in my life this year,in my head i do know that the only constant thing is change,but....one of my closest friends is to fly out this year,its literally ripping me apart cz i have known her for like 12years,she knows me like no other friend and understands me,atleast with all the other changes she has been there to hold my hand as i go thru them,the fear is paralyzing me for i cant just imagine her gone,God is asking me to trust HIM,i know i do but this is an unpleasant experience to say the least,
Monday July 2, 2007 - 12:07am (PDT)
what goes round comes around.yaani if someone could give me aroadmap for life then at this point ad appreciate it.nway exams will hopefully be over this week,which is a good thing yet it also means dealing with stuff which am not sure am prepared to do.i think av become a boy in that i compartmentalize things in my head.

one of my friends,at school, believes that i have a weird ritual of grieving for things before they occur so that by the time they occur am ready to deal with them and dont feel so bad...i dont think its weird cz it works for me...by the time my friend was leaving i had dealt with it early in the year that it dint even affect me much....it suprised me when a few days ago i was standing in myroom looking outside at the rain...when i realised that i really really missed her...i mean it wa sthe first time i had really had that feeling that i really wanted her near me at that particular second to understand whatever iwas thinking or the questions i had bila having to explain myself....
wheni wrote the send entry in july....i was in a stage of my life where i just felt lost....especially spiritually.It like i was in a desert and God had dweserted me or so i thought....everything dint make sense and too much was happening in my life and around me...and NO ONE UNDERSTOOD...so i jsut withdrew form evryone....there were times i almost if not actually HATED friends......since there was a rational part of me that knew it was illogical...i kept my distance or just dint talk about it....i mean who can understand that....one of my friends said how i had become so cold and hard etc....below are some entries from yet another different blog(yap i have enough blogs all over the net!)....Jul 30, 2007 7:35 AM
THERE IS SO MUCH RAGE IN ME THAT WHEN I DO BOTHER TO THINK ABOUT IT,I FIND MYSELF ABIT SCARED CZ ITS NOT HEALTHY OR EVEN SAFE TO HAVE THIS AMOUNT OF RAGE INSIDE.I THOT IT WAS ONLY DIRECTED AT MY FOLKS BUT EVEN MY CLOSEST PALS SEEM TO TICK ME OFF AT THE SLIGHTEST THING.AM SO DISCONTENT AND IN A PHASE THAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF.LORD I NEED YOU CZ I DONT KNOW WHAT AM TURNING INTO,ANGER KILLS AS I KNOW.
Jul 30, 2007 7:49 AM
there is this sadness in me that is masked by rage,am at work and am near tears and it doesnt hel that some stupid song is playing,what have i become,the song says"am so hollow" well thats how i feel,i feel so many things that i dnt know how to filter each and even begin to identify each emotion,there is a book that i read that said that there is no worse feeling than feeling lonely when you have every reason not to,like when ur surrounded by people yet you feel so alone.who am i?who am i?where am i headed?is a better day amyth or is it true is it a figment of my imagination sth i dream up to comfort myself?to console myself/reassure myself?does it really get better?what is better/who defines better?what if it doesnt then what?what happens when we voice our fears?who wrote the unwritten rule that we are supposed to appear that we have it all together even when inside we are in pieces?why am in this season?when am i getting out?what am i supposed to learn?Lord dont ever give up on me,even when i give up on myself,even when hope seems so far and so unreal,help me hang on for without hope what is life's worth,even in the midst of an ambush of deceit Lord help me remember ur truth even if its one basic truth that You love me and WILL NEVER FORSAKE ME.fight for me for a battle rages that i do not have the strength to wage .


its just amazing..i can now look back that God was preparing me for awesome stuff and the chaff had to come out....it had to be weeded out...and i had to learn total dependence on God.....without my friends or family....i have really matured and grown strong..not by my own choice in most cases but rather in letting go and allowing God to be Lord....yaani.....sadly also i have become very independent in away that hampers my friendships...i do still need my friends but i also find myself so used to being me&God that i am relearning communication.....last year i was taught resilience patience surrender and humility....as i look at the leadership roles i am in and even my relationship with J i now know why.....there is so much i need to learn but i can look back and say God never forsook me...nor was He punishing me but rather i was being refined and i will continue to be refined.....

Today in my consumer protection class we discussed some article and the writer was asking whther the needs we have are our own or if they have neen structurally been imposed on us?food for thought?

yesterday as iwas walking with J as he was heading to get the vehicle back to naks....he started telling me about how his passion for bass guitar and how to him its a gifting.....from what i have heard he is REALLY GOOD.....BUT IT WAS THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE WHEN HE EXPLAINED that when he is playing and its a really nice piece of music....how its so good you dont whether to cry or to laugh...thats its a feeling in between.....theni asked myself later after we parted whther i have such a passion for anything? other than reading which i have been so awful at this year.....what else?

usually on sunday i get home late but since i dropped my sweetheart i dint feel like much activity so i got home early ate with my family then started reading tghis book called the wedding by Nicholas sparks,,,,,yaani that book touched my heart....i cant explain....it was about rediscovering love in your spouse...yaani it was beautiful and jsut as iw as thinking of talking to J he calls to tell me he loves me....that he would do anything to make me happy and that Daily He asks God to show Him how....i dont know how i dint cry....cz it was just awesome...he reminded me that over the weekend we had covered alot of milestones hence i shouldnt forget....that i was his woman and the spae was only for one.........he said he knew adversity was going to come to test our commitment...and i cut in to say true but thats why we were building the foundation,,,nway i jsut love taht man in a way that sometimes makes me cry...which is so ironical but sometimes only tears can express what i feel.

i really want to get a job and move out....but i want to live with a friend or two...cz living alone would be too much temptation truth be told.....but i so want a good job which will enable me to move out.

some people are just lifetime losers..i concluded last week and this weekend.....they just are,,,a gal can get away with being foolish but for a man to be a loser what hope is there for you?

i am watching one tree hill season 5 and its so different but as ever i so feel peyton.....i feel am experiencing transition drama when most of my pals went thru this last year...nway tahts life....

its finally starting to sink in that some fool stole all my savings and now when i neede the k...its bilaz.....

we are launching camp on 8th of June.....yaani this camp will really be the thing not to miss and i can alredy see some people missing it while they are still waiting to be katiwad to come...shock on them....

to end this long post...wheni went to naks i wa staken to this awesome ethiopian restraurant called KOBEB....and there was such nuice music playing by a chic called HAIMIE...she had launched her CD,,,HENCE THEY WERE ON SALE THOUGH SHE WASNT AROUND.......and J kept saying how he knows her and they have done musiv together etc....i so loved the place and the music.....on sato as iw as chilling for a tuktuk to take me home this chic...very pretty...started talking to me and after some time she told me her name was......HAIMIE!!!!the name is very distincitive so i asked her oif she sings she said yes...i asked her if she knew KOBEB in naks,,,,she said her family owns it!!! i asked her if she knew J? she did!!!!!!!i couldnt belive it...iwas so jazzed....she is so down to earth....as in she was so pleasant so i explained and we were talking like long lost sisters...she is 19years old but is so gifted,,,,she was staying with some family friends on FAITH AVENUE...next to our street...yaani its a small world..when we re just vibing J calls!!!si w3as there so excited telling him how Haimie si satinding next to me.....etc....yaani i am glad i met her...she is so saved its awesome...then later at night when i was listening to KUBAMBA...they kept saying tehy have a ission on sunday to starch-pango and among the artiste performing was HAIMIe!! yaani too much of a coincidence....i was so jazzed...well let me sign off..i ahve written enough to last a year

am back...yaani mafans am sure you all missed me.....hihihi.....arusha was a story and a half and it will require its own post......
this is about naks.....yaani i cant believe that i finally got to go....there were moments i was sure sth would happen to stop me from going.......
it was more than i could expect...yaani if you are in love...you are in love...thats all i can say...this me who used to say how i dont do PDA...WELLL MISS SUNSHINE WAS SO COMFORTABLY WALZING NAKURU TOWN WITH HER SWEETHEART HAND IN HAND....yaani i had a ball and there are no words to fully express my joy.I finished whatever camp work i went to do by wednesday and still got to rest cz arusha was a bit hectic and best of all got to spend time with J.I REALLY LOVE THAT GUY...I CAN SAY THAT A MILLION TIMES AND NOT GET TIRED OF SAYING IT.......Ihave learnt that when you love someone you dont do it coz they love you but cpoz you choose to love them and yes its true love is a choice...whether a wise or foolish choice but a choice nonetheless...as i have interacted with J over these past months its been a conscious choice to get to know him but more importantly to allow him to know me....i more than any one else know hw subtly i can hold such vital parts of me from someone from me and yet the other party remains so unaware...for some reason all those walls came down with this guy.....at some point it was scary and as i said in an earlier post...i felt like i was on a precipice...on the edge of a cliff where i could choose to either walk away or let go upon which i could either plummet to the unknown or soar...well so far my step of faith(no pun intended!) paid of cz am soaring......
J is all i have dreamed in aman and so much more...it doesnt mean he is perfect...there is no such person on this earth....but i cathc myself so awestruck at times cz he compliments me and i compliment him so well...as in it is so easy between us...it just flows...he likes saying how he gets amazed that i always seem so happy and full of joy especially when i am with him as in he can just see it in my face...i usually laugh cz its true and its good thing...as in i dont need to pretend...wheni am with him...am at peace...the feeling you get when you know the world is as it should be...that you are finally home from a long journey.....
he brings out the softer side of me....which for all who know me it may be unbelievable but its true...he makes me calm....he says i have the softness that he needs in his life,,,,and get your minds out the gutter for all of you who have gone down that road,,,,,espe twox....i like the fact that he is a leader and has a very clear idea of hwere he wants to go nad has the confidence taht he will get there.....
i have come back to town as His chic.....or as he says his woman...as in that just amuses me no matter how many times i hear it.....thursaday and saturday was the highlight of my visit to naks...thursday cz i spent most of the day with him....and nyangi who usually doesnt like being touched or her space invaded was gladly enjoying all the above...saturday cz am a girl and i was impressed with the care taken to make sure i had an awesome night.......
I also came back with alot to think about....among other things that i may be getting married soomer than i ever envisioned...by idea was wheni ht 3oyears old...i doubt that will happen with the current state of things.....but in all things God knows best...will go on later my intl human rights class has started

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Ask me for my love


I was listening to this song by Bethany Dillon either last week or beginning of this week and it just hit me that it so expressed what am feeling and experiencing.J if i could write you a letter right from my heart the words of this song would say it best...knowing that i can never let you read this blog...and that for me its TOO TOO TOO SOON to tell you these words.....i express them in safety yet also with a hope that one day i can look into your eyes and say them confidently and happily.....sometimes i get the feeling that you dont think am in for the long haul....that i will bail out on you....for now i cant reassure you more than i have nad only time will reveal how much my love is worth. I know that silently i ask for heaven and you say you are ready to give beyond that which i ask.....i told you that i know that what we have is worth fighting for and that to me you are worth doing all that i have never attempted to do....You make me believe that all i have been waiting for is finally here and that my imagination did not even capture how good it can be...as the song says just ask me.....for my love.......am scared to be known by you yet am thrilled at the prospect of spending each and every day of my life with you...i cant imagine not having you in my life in any way.....a story that will never end.

I'm so scared that you will see
All the weakness inside of me
I'm so scared of letting go
That the pain I've hid will show

I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop

[c h o r u s]
I want you to know
You belong in my life
I love the hope
I see in your eyes
For you I would fly
At least I would try
For you I'll take
The last flight out

I'm afraid that
You will leave
As my secrets
Have been revealed
In my dreams
You'll always stay
Every breathing moment from now

I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop

[c h o r u s]

I cannot hold back
The truth no more
I let you wait too long
Although it's hard and scares me so
A life without you scares me more

[c h o r u s]
[Last Flight Out Lyrics on
http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Juzi i was listening to Plus one who are like one of my favourite groups and i have heard the above song like a zillion times especially when am jogging but on this day i just stopped what i was doing and felt like calling J and telling Him......i would love for you to be saying these words to me.....i like where it says that 'i know you want to hear me speak, but if i start to i'll never stop' sometimes you feel that i dont say enough or i keep stuff in...or that you tell me these wonderful stuff that just melt my heart and make me shut up..yet i dont say them back enough....well experience has not taught me the easiest lessons but lessons they have been nonetheless....if we are both right about us then we will have a lifetime to say whatever we want to each other.you say that i always sound happy and into you...and sometimes you wonder if its true and real....if you would have known me my whole life you could have easily realized that the cause of my seemingly never ending joy is knowing you.....as the song says i like the hope i see in your eyes..well for now you cant see me...but when you will you will see all that is in my heart before i even utter a word

Dean sherman says that love is a choice...our personality and gift of attraction kinda chooses for us potential people to be attracted to but we choose whom to love.Its true.am out

CityGirlfront page About It’s fear!
March 18, 2008 · 14 Comments
I think about it all the time. How life would be so simple and probably much easier if we, people, didn’t have pride or fear.

If at the time you find yourself getting close to someone, you totally commit to the feeling and not stress about keeping the feeling to yourself.

It’s fear. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of putting yourself out there and allowing someone to see into your heart.

And the funny thing is, in all probability, the person that you’re afraid to tell ‘Hey, I like hanging out with you, I miss you when you’re not around” is more than likely feeling the same thing too.

Oh life is so funny. People are funny.

i got this from a blog i frequent....the day i read it it gave me courage and alot of other stuff...but it challenged me andd hence that night when speaking with J..i answered a very difficult question. I was able to honestly tell him what i want from him.The olf me would have refused to answer him or played with words or answered safely.....well courage has its rewards....and again it just prooves that courage is not the absence of fear rather its doing whats need to be done with the fear inside you...Joyce Myer says do it fearfully but do it.for those who really know me the photos will make sense as they are related to the title of the post