Divine creativity equals unusual me: love

fashion

So my friend’s birthday party two things happened. I saw a guy I would typically be drawn to…the yellow yellow as betty my pal calls them in disdain..hihihi…and I was like hmmm perhaps this one..but he was not interested in me..something I can usually tell in a few minutes these days…Thank you Jesus for the hard lessons learnt….so for a while I was bummed…and feeling all pity party..’I am always being rejected(all so not true)…etc..I’m not pretty enough…I talk too much…I am not enough…this whole dialogue was going on in my head as I carried on interesting conversation with the rest of the people there….madness I tell you...so in my typical manner I decided to ignore this guy and talk to the rest..and I actually had fun..and then some guy started talking to me..i had not even noticed him before..and he had such interesting stuff to say..especially about giving up your dreams in order to ‘grow up’….it was so sad because I know exactly what he means and I wanted to tell him..scream if you must know…that don’t give them up completely..tuck them away..hide them but you have to eventually live that stuff..or the best of who you are dies…then it was cake cutting time..and it was pretty late plus I was till pretty bummed so I wanted to escape the scene of the atrocity against me..actually more of my pride was hurt than anything..that the yellow yellow did not like me…so I told my pal on the way home how I am not ready to go out there..meeting people and all…since my two greatest fears are failure and rejection…and what the night taught me was that it’s really unpleasant..yeah she thinks I’m barking mad…anyway thought about it slept and today ironically I made a different decision..i will stay at my job for the contract period..that is just before Christmas..it is just 3weeks..but this whole week I have been thinking about honor..and how much it means to me…and I think I can do this…so that if I leave this place..it will be in good faith. It seems unrelated but it is not…and yeah the internet says I have rejection sensitivity….meeeeeeeeeeehhhh….so what…

him

Fray

11:03 PM
By Anya
0 Comments

life

love triangle's

8:03 PM
By Anya
0 Comments

dolly parton

You haunt me

5:34 PM
By Anya
0 Comments

chat

all in a conversation

12:33 PM
By Anya
0 Comments

big world

more lyrical tales

12:40 PM
By Anya
0 Comments

God

random thoughts and recollections

2:08 PM
By Anya
4 Comments

NAKS UPDATE ONE

5:22 PM
By Anya
2 Comments

am back...yaani mafans am sure you all missed me.....hihihi.....arusha was a story and a half and it will require its own post......
this is about naks.....yaani i cant believe that i finally got to go....there were moments i was sure sth would happen to stop me from going.......
it was more than i could expect...yaani if you are in love...you are in love...thats all i can say...this me who used to say how i dont do PDA...WELLL MISS SUNSHINE WAS SO COMFORTABLY WALZING NAKURU TOWN WITH HER SWEETHEART HAND IN HAND....yaani i had a ball and there are no words to fully express my joy.I finished whatever camp work i went to do by wednesday and still got to rest cz arusha was a bit hectic and best of all got to spend time with J.I REALLY LOVE THAT GUY...I CAN SAY THAT A MILLION TIMES AND NOT GET TIRED OF SAYING IT.......Ihave learnt that when you love someone you dont do it coz they love you but cpoz you choose to love them and yes its true love is a choice...whether a wise or foolish choice but a choice nonetheless...as i have interacted with J over these past months its been a conscious choice to get to know him but more importantly to allow him to know me....i more than any one else know hw subtly i can hold such vital parts of me from someone from me and yet the other party remains so unaware...for some reason all those walls came down with this guy.....at some point it was scary and as i said in an earlier post...i felt like i was on a precipice...on the edge of a cliff where i could choose to either walk away or let go upon which i could either plummet to the unknown or soar...well so far my step of faith(no pun intended!) paid of cz am soaring......
J is all i have dreamed in aman and so much more...it doesnt mean he is perfect...there is no such person on this earth....but i cathc myself so awestruck at times cz he compliments me and i compliment him so well...as in it is so easy between us...it just flows...he likes saying how he gets amazed that i always seem so happy and full of joy especially when i am with him as in he can just see it in my face...i usually laugh cz its true and its good thing...as in i dont need to pretend...wheni am with him...am at peace...the feeling you get when you know the world is as it should be...that you are finally home from a long journey.....
he brings out the softer side of me....which for all who know me it may be unbelievable but its true...he makes me calm....he says i have the softness that he needs in his life,,,,and get your minds out the gutter for all of you who have gone down that road,,,,,espe twox....i like the fact that he is a leader and has a very clear idea of hwere he wants to go nad has the confidence taht he will get there.....
i have come back to town as His chic.....or as he says his woman...as in that just amuses me no matter how many times i hear it.....thursaday and saturday was the highlight of my visit to naks...thursday cz i spent most of the day with him....and nyangi who usually doesnt like being touched or her space invaded was gladly enjoying all the above...saturday cz am a girl and i was impressed with the care taken to make sure i had an awesome night.......
I also came back with alot to think about....among other things that i may be getting married soomer than i ever envisioned...by idea was wheni ht 3oyears old...i doubt that will happen with the current state of things.....but in all things God knows best...will go on later my intl human rights class has started

bethany dillon

For My love

10:35 AM
By Anya
4 Comments

Whats love got to with it...?

10:26 AM
By Anya
2 Comments

am not sure what am writing on but i just feel a need to write...i feel like am standing at a precipice...like either i let go and jump or do the usual ...basically chicken out. I had an interesting converstaion yesterday with Mr. Mysterious...lets just say that for once i was left speechless...and this is me who can spew 3010 words per second...but it was a good kind of speechless...those you know that if you break the flow...you would be marring a beautiful thing.... a while back one of my friend was describing to me an incident involving some potential dude in her life and she sayd how there is sth he said or did that she just found herself melting...well i finally understood what she meant......
it came as a shock but last month i finally admitted or found out how apparently i had actually loved this dude who had really hurt me......all i would ever admit was that that i had really really really liked him and he hadnt liked me as much as i did so i was hurt......but truth of the matter is apparently i loved this guy....i was so pissed to come to this realisation coz to my naive mind if i was to love someone they ought to first love me before i get to loving them and it is supposed to be this awesome thing that blows my mind and is all happy go lucky...all sunshine....well in this case it was more of a case of doubts,obsessions,insecurities,moments of joy,then not...as in truly a load of crap.....cant totallly blame the guy...i saw it all coming he was never into me but like the proverbial fool a part of me kept hoping he would grow to like me!!!!like what are these???????For the record there is no such thiong in this day and age......it was either there in the first place then it increases or it wasnt there and will never be there....it took my heart getting broken and me breaking some poor guys heart to realise that is such a load of crap we sell to ourselves. True to form this guy had liked some chic from the get go when he met her......a lovely chic i must say and they are so suited they still together till now...and are both good friends of mine.....but what i always wonder was there anything i could have done to avoid getting hurt? it all started as a joke... a silly crush.....then it became almost an obsession...yaani i knew i had to get out but could never find the will to do it......i know that sounds weak and pathetic but i would try to say i will stay away from this dude ,i wont communicate with him...but then ad miss him so much ad just find myself talking to him again hence digging myself deeper......i got so hurt that only God in Heaven knows how deep.....to this day i never blame the dude...some of my pals did.....but i knew from the get go that i wasnt the chic for him...yet.....a friend once asked me whether we ever deserve any hurt that people cause us....i still dont have an answer...but all i know is that it wasnt his fault...there were instances when he could have told me how he felt about the other gal earlier but other than that.....i think we dont dictate to our hearts whom to be attracted to...i was reading Dean sherman's book and he was defining attraction. He said that attraction is the acknowledgement that something is pleasant. It is a gift.I think i got so hurt that i made a n inner vow...somewhere in me a resolution was made to protect my heart at whatever cost.It was a subconcsious vow buit one made nonetheless....last month i really went on a soul searching mission and among the things i was wondering about was how av gone out with these dudes...liked some alot but there is a point it never goes beyond...some pita the usual defences but there is a point they never pass...and i couldnt see why?i wasnt doing so much defence work...it just was so....anyway it finally hit me......we were taught about bitter roots and inner vows....that stuff is real...i had broken some as regard my past but i had never realized that there was one that i had never...well God has been the one person i have fully and completely trusted with my heart...its my treasure...yaani its the one thing i go to any length to preserve...so this year after the wachira debacle and mr.conservative joke i decided that i would trust God but i would break that vow...and try and be brave and allow my heart to be more involved...and who is the lucky person to meet me when i finally make this decision? J....I think God really loves him coz i have been such an angel...he even asked me if am usually this nice!!!!!me?me? difficult stubborn me?.....But wonders will never cease.....its actually me...the me i am when am with Him amazes me....i am totally my usual loud self and all but i play no games with him. and truth be told i feel no need to .He is so straight forward...he says it as it is...ok leo the blog wasnt about him...am not ready to do that and no questions about his identity or whatever...
I so started one post and ended up writing another...but am on the brink of falling in love.