Divine creativity equals unusual me: letting go

dolly parton

i FINALLY fessed up to viv about edz.I have been having this compelling need to fess up...one of the things i usually say is important to me above love and happiness is truth...i really like this chic and we really hit it off at the retreat....and we were each other's partners and the whole weekend i kept having this urge to tell her.I felt that if she ever found out later when we have become tight pals..she would feel cheated or betrayed that our friendship was built on lies..yet i also had a selfish reason for fessing up...i just wanted to let go of this awful load on me..and put another aspect of a check on myself so that this dependence on edz can be held back..and so that all avenues are closed off completely. so finally when i was in the car using my dad's phone i told her over chat...at first i warned that it was probably a conversation she would like and it maybe better to have it after alabastron is over..but either way i told her..and i can say she was shocked and at a loss for words...even as i was doing it....i felt so awful..such a feeling of disgust...i cant say edu did anything wrong....honestly other than the last comment about us guys going out and he will for sure hit on me..which on all account could be a joke..a bad one..but nonetheless a joke....and i cant say i have hit on the guy..for me it was just the unhealthy dependence on him for affirmation..and the stubborn holding on to the idea of a me and him at some point....yet i guess for her....S is a very CLOSE PAL OF HERS.....and i guess they all hang out as a crowd..even now i wonder what i have done..if she tells S and S talks to edz...HE will KILL me...for sure....but i wasnt telling her to tell her pal or indirectly tell him....i wanted it out and its part of putting him finally to death..the pedestal that i have put him on...is now down and i wanted it to stay down...and i realise viv's opinion of me really matters to me..and even as i was telling her the stuff i could imagine whats going through her mind....i think i was sad cz this is not me..and i never thought i would be where i am..where i even considered dallying with another girl's man....i feel such utter disgust when i think about it5..such self loathing...its despicable...yet i told her.nway i told her that i cant make her not tell her pal..but i hope she doesn't..i know i was putting her in a hard situation she said S is like her sister..and i get..and i was thinking if it was one of my girls what would i do....truth is important but i wonder if i was wise to speak out..yet it is done....if nothing else it taught me that with seemingly little decisions often lie bigger consequences that we often overlook.....i wonder if me and viv will be pals the way we were starting to be...i felt so bad i was just weeping yesterday..i mean what am i becoming?...where are those values i so hold dear....and i guess the realisation that if i dont stop right now and find God again..i am heading for destruction with consequences that i probably cannot bear... MORE THAN THAT i have to accept forgiveness from God and fully forgive myself...that was the major lesson at the retreat and even now each moment i have to remember that.A part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop if edu hears this..i am so scared..but there is nothing i can do..part of my resolution is to stop controlling things.
i am dreading the sato class but i will go even if it kills me..This week we are doing self work on self esteem..lets just say mine has taken a beating.Viv said she respects me for telling her...fOR SOME REASON I REALLY CLICKED WITH THAT CHIC...nway God knows

alabastron

Out of the rubble

1:43 PM
By Anya
1 Comments

It's been a hard year.But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard.Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

thing was THE WORDS from that song really tell where i am....And it is a much better place...on sato went for alabastron i think for the past three or so weeks i have not been doing my assignments and if there are any thoughts about what we are told to think about..its been against my will..yet nonetheless i have found myself giving thought to stuff that i deliberately refused...yet i am Glad i worked out..sato's session was really good..we went till 230 in stead of 1130.....yaani but it was a sawa session..we all had to talk about the other man...the last time we talked about the other woman....for some its an actual person for others its an ideal they have set in their mind..even for some married ladies they have the other man...that was rally interesting...another interestinga cycle she taught us..how we create our environment....it starts with a thought which informs your speech which in turn inform your action then its repeated to form a habit which form a pattern and the pattern leads to your destiny..in that destiny your environment is created..a.nd full cycle your environment affect your thoughts.....its eerie..for example a chic keeps saying i dont a so and so man..eg a violent man or a player...etc..she keeps thinking it and soon all she ever says is how she doesnt want such a man...her speech will inform er action in actually hooking up with a violent man or a player..cz all the mind conscious or subconscious is getting is violent man..the i want or not want is not recognised..its what u are focusing on that it identifies..the action is repeated with several men..and soon its a habit...then a pattern in her life..leading to her destiny of marrying a violent man or a player....and the environment of voilence or infidelity is created..yaani...profound stuff.same theory applies with i dont want to be like my mother....etc....so she told us instead focus on what you want...keep thinking on what you want so that you will be talking about what you want and hence end up where you want..rather than where you dont want to be..in whatever area of your life...for me i should stop talking about how i dont want to practice law...so at that point we had to figure out what we want..some of us couldnt answer..so we have an assignment to think about what i want....that question scars me but i finally thought about it and journaled and waaaahh the stuff that chucked just amazed me..i am glad Laimani insisted we get journals..its a helpful tool..
The was also the issue of idealizing a situation or a person..meaning you fixate on a particular outcome and refusing to see any other outcome.
In OUR GROUPS WE HAD TO DISCUSS WHAT TRIGGERS OUR ADDICTIONS.addictions being the self imposed unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with baggage.Baggage is as result of another person's decision.indecision,action,inaction or words.Addictions are also false substitutes for real needs.So we all had to identify what triggers our addictions.then we had to state the cost of those addictions on ourselves,our family.our work,our friends.,our life etc.Each person had to d tis for themselves while th rest listen.We also each had to state what we need t stop doing to disempower these addictions and what we need to start doing to empower ourselves and th benefits which will accrue.
I think the fore retreat will rock...as in by now we have bonded and in as much as sometimes we all have our moments when we are rebelling against the whole process..we each want to get 100% from the program.

I think for me it was learning that my emotional tank is full here i am so confident tat i have fully let go of this man....only to be told that even when i talk..it just shows..my emotional tank is so full that it cannot allow another man room..its like i am fixated on just tis one man..i know or i hope i am not in love with him....i know sometimes the idea of me and him is strongly embedded in me..but that my tank is full that is still blowing me away...he has his person....i so do no want to be in this position..i want my tank completely empty of him....yaani sato i saw this super hot guy...and he was light and so yummy looking...now imagine if a miracle happened and we hook up and stuff went well....and down the line i cant commit as i should ati cz my emotional tank is filled up with this other man...eurghgggggggggggggggggggg...SO NOT WORKING FOR ME.....yaani i want him out of my system by whatever means necessary...I WANT HIM OUT.....God please hear me ....out...Some chic from the wed class was sharing..i really liked her..but anyhuuuu she was saying her story and it was kinda similar to mine..and fr her it was so serious..when th guy called her to say he was getting married she literally mourned him for like4months everyday waking up weeping...praying,fasting the whole works..ok that spooked me..this guy better leave my system sooonest cz i aint got time..but seriously its like loss..i rally felt for he...but she said eventually she hacked..God was faithful....
We also talked about the other man...for some its an actual person for others its an ideal..whether you are married or not.Laimani said something which i thought was important sh said when you get saved your spirit gets saved but your bod and soul doesnt that why you have to work on your soul.It is ever at war....and your soul is linked to the key to your purpose..so if you have soul issues it even impedes your communication with the Holy Spirit.

journey

she says...

12:59 PM
By Anya
4 Comments

i wonder why i am writing..but nway maybe that is irrelevant.....i met bidali for a one on one on Wednesday after the funeral and it was interesting...it also made me realize i am not living on Mombasa road...the dust..is just too much....so i sat with ed u to and from nyeri..it was interesting a s we had so many debates on so many issues..i think some people got irritated..others ignored us while others were just amused by it all..at some point we caught up on how were were doing etc.it was nice actually...but also dangerous....that sounds dramatic but it is...some of his pals had sat behind us..while muthosh and foi sat in front of us...yet its like were in this cocoon..and it always gets like that with us...even in a crowd at some point its like th rest don't exist..and its not just me.....there is a day we were meeting to just hang out and edu said something which i later pondered on..he said we get along sow eel sometimes people ask him why we are not dating..i said yeah we do..but we also have the potential to kill each other....at that time he said we had both changed especially me...back when we met i was really the feminist crusader( I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE LABEL ME THAT)...and was all about having my way..i said i get that at times i was too defensive and aggressive and some of my opinions have changed bu inside i am still me...nway we changed the subject..then on the way back to nai...as were having our many debates..especially about the pregnancy and midlife crisis....he said i am still headstrong....so i said thats not fair...cz he is also very opinionated and stubborn...we are both choleric..then he laughed and said if we were to be left on an island we would kill each there..i agreed..i mean we both have such strong personalities.....he then said but he gives way in some stuff..especially back then...he said i used to be controlling..so i asked how...ati i would either control people or he situation..so i paused and said...ok there is some point..but i needed a particular example..he said our friendship is a perfect example..so i laughed and said ..ok to some point..then he said he compromised and gave in to some point while i dint.....which is true...i said i was actually surprised when he would back down....i knew back then i was not going to....sad to say..but true picture,..in fact we are still pals cz of him not me.....
nway it was getting uncomfortable..soi changed the subject...so another debate...a silly one where we wre mostly laughing..till someone commented how itsweird taht we talked from nai to nyeri..then resumed from nyeri and it seems all the way to nai..we lengad...at some point w started an agunment whcih we never agree on..about chics dressing and being stripped..i keep saying just coz a chic has dressed in amanner taht to you seems inappropriat it doesnt give ANYONE the right to strip her...edu insists she ought to know..and society has rules and you adhere to them..etc....we have been having this dbate for all the years we haveknown each other and no one ecer convinces te other..so in frustration edu says we are back to where i met you four years ago.......so a stare at him in shock(in mind am thinking that long?)...but i am also wondering what?so he says yous ee you always want to have your way...you want me to agree with you...tahts its your way or no waay..so i alugh and say..its bilaz..te same way you belive strongly tah youa re right is he same way i belive that i am right and i cannot change my min..but i am not tryng to change your mind.....so e looks at me like he doesnt belive what i am saying.... ...then he says i couldn't have changed that much....so i say we all grow up...nway so he asks me so have i learnt submission so i say to some extent...but it will always be a learning experience..and whichever guy i marry will have to realize that and be patient..so i ask him has he learn t to love sacrificially..he says its also a learning experience..at some point he says that...its weird but he feels that if he ever married me..i would never compromise on stuff especially stuff that mattes to him...so i say..the same way some stuff matter to him is the same way there are stuff which i feel strongly about....i said somethings i can compromise on and say for the sake of the relationship.. and coz it matters to this person let him have his way...so he says he feels the same way..then i ask him what if we fika an impasse where we both feel the issue is important to us then what?seeing as we are both stubborn...then he smiles in a secretive manner and says...thats where submission comes in.....so of course i hit him..then he says why all the violence..you have hit me like four times...i say its cz you are making me so frustrated or you bing out the worst in me..then he chekas and says thats a compliment...so i ask how?ati i still get to you.....so i roll my eyes and say in your dreams.....anyhu..when we were near nai...he asks me whether i will be picked or how am going home..so i say al jav from tao..and so he asks me why cant i alight at muthaiga..and i am confused like how?so he tells me just shuka at muthaiga..then chill for a mat then you ingia from evergreen....so i tell him that is bilaz first its far and i wont get a mat at that time...s he keeps insisting ati what about if i alight at muthaiga but use the other route walking..so i look at him..its too far..n mind am confused..then ia sk him how he is going..then he says he wants to alight at muthaiga..then get a jav..cz he lives on kiambu road...cz he feels too tired to go back to the office t get his car...so finally it hits me..he wants me to alight with him..we continue talking etc...and i am so proud of mys elf that i dint say yes..even when he asked me again ....there is a part of me that wanted to..we we see each other so rarely..yet when we do its a ball..but i also knew....boundaries are important...too soon we will be like we are going out..and thats how emotional affairs start..and i really like suzie..plus edu and i wouldnt want to do sth like that..but you never know..plus i feel like i am liking this to much....so when we fika pangani he says lets just g to town..coz its dark and all...so we went and parted ways....
i went home with my thoughts full of this guy till it scared me....got home ate and showered and in bed...so later i hear my phone..guess who?yap edu..so he asks if av fikad etc..so i say yap..infact am in bed sleeping...so he says that was fast..that he wanted us guys to vibe but we can vibe kesho..and i agree..i was so tired and sleepy....so the next day i wonder like what was that about we have talked for more than 5hrs...anyway i went to see bidali.i dint even pass through the office..we met from like 10am till 1pm...at some point i realised that i have to let go of edu.....not the stunt i tried a few years aback; ati dnt talk to me,dont email me,dont txt me...etc..it doesnt work as i realized..but the pedestal that i have placed him on.....it has to go..in my journal i wrote that its not even he reality of him that resides there rather the idea of him..the affirmation that i feel i need from him as a friend and as a man who find me attractive....it was hard admitting taht but alabastron teaches you to separate facts,from the story you have created for yourself and the belief system you have....and for each and every experience which has affected your life you do that..and in the future you learn to do that before it all piles up....
to some extent i do know edu..and i am not looking for a relationship with him or a rekindling of whatever we had....no..i know i dont want that nor is it possible..and i like suzie..and i know he loves her..as in really loves her..not like those chics he dated and dumped...he loves her..hat said and done....i use edu like a drug....thats what best describes it...in alabastron its mandatory you buy a journal...and we are encouraged to journal..not forced..but son you find yourself journaling...and that day i journaled in red...i remember that i wrote that i have made david and edu into some drug that i need..more so edu..i need to reach a point where i relate with them in a healthy manner..the expectations taht i ave of them, often uncommunicated are doing me harm.there is an affirmation AND APPRECIATION taht i get from tem that i feel i NEED.
i am at a stage that i seriously do not want a relationship..cannot even stand the idea of it...yet sometimes i miss having someone special in my life who thinks i am all that...so iw ant the perks without the sweat....its like there is a hole hey fill.....yet even if they were to ask me out..i would say no...even if i wouldn't immediately..i would eventually..s.o to what end is all these?
so the next day i started my day by just writing one line...I NEED TO LET GO OF EDU.....AGAIN!!!!.
its frustrating....when you convince yourself and resolve t do st that when all the distractions Come in and everything seems to be fighting you resolve...bidali says that human beings are the only species that aim at one goal then move in the opposite direction..all the while maintaining the expectation that they will attain their goal...its called self sabotage..am queen of it..in the past two days i have found all sorts of stupid silly reasons to talk to or text edu..when normally we go for a while without talking unless we chat online or panga to met after months of silence....
IT IS SO HARD......i am not in love with this guy..but letting go of the idea that there can ever be an us in the future or that we have this 'SPECIAL'.....its so hard....it makes me revert back to harmful things to just cover up...in the evening yesterday i was looking through face book and i saw the chic..i went to her page and looked at her photo..and i have always known she is pretty..but she looks EXTRA EXTRA HOT AND GLAMOROUS AND TONED.....it HURT to look at that picture..mind you..i like this chic..even then i dont hate her or want to be her..but it made me feel so INADEQUATE...SO UGLY.SO FAT,SO HORRIBLE.SO MESSED UP...even as i write this i realise how wack that sounds and its not a true picture of me....i was near tears and i was in a cyber....in my head i kept saying is is how this whole thing is messing me up..this stupid expectations..thats why i need to let go and get better..this is not healthy...and i had cash..i kept feeling this urge to just shop till i dropped..when i went to ngara..the hawkers werent here..so i said fine God you want to mess with retail therapy i have other drugs..i stopped at Vm and bought three books....in essence messing with my budget badly..atleast i dint buy those stupid historicals...but i spent like 25oo...a part of me felt guilty but another part of me just flt relieved i had something to fill the hole and not concentrate on how awful i was feeling..i knew what i was dong was wrong...in alabastron you hear how somebody was doing so well but soon you revert t the very same stuff you wanted to get away from..self sabotage...i
i dint even mean to write all these..but am glad i did...i havent even finished the books.....but i went to bed feeling so bad..i dint even sleep well..in he morning he guilt was eating me up..and the inadequacy..i couldnt even jog..thinking why bother...i started reading God;s word and it encouraged me..i get scared of the long road ahead knowing as paul said..in my inner being i delight in doing good..but the good want to do..i do not do..instead the evil i do not want to do.is what i do....But God keeps reminding me of the word he gave me fr this year..zeph3;17...the lord my God is with me,he is mighty to save.He will take great delight in me.he will quiet me with is love and rejoice over me with singing......thats just awesome....i dont deserve it..but then again grace is unmerited favour....i keep thinking why is it so hard..but then again.,,,,suffering produces perseverance....perseverance produces character..character hope..and hope does not disappoint us.....in any case....the finished product will be worth it..and in isa41..god says that he takes me by my right hand and says to me do not fear....he will help me himself.am out

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Divine creativity equals unusual me

You haunt me

Artist: Parton Dolly
Song: Don't Let Me Cross Over
Album: Treasures

CONFESSIONS

Out of the rubble

she says...

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Pages

Divine creativity equals unusual me

You haunt me

Artist: Parton DollySong: Don't Let Me Cross OverAlbum: Treasures

CONFESSIONS

Out of the rubble

she says...

About me

Pinterest

Labels

recent posts

Blog Archive

Instagram

Follow me

Socialize!

Artist: Parton Dolly
Song: Don't Let Me Cross Over
Album: Treasures