Divine creativity equals unusual me

From the last post things looked dire..but i went back to God and HIS WORD reassured me....
the situation is not solved but i am trusting God,,,,,

nway this post as the title says...whats in a question...my boyfriend likes asking me ALOT of questions..at times i feel we ought to switch careers...but he says he does so to know me better and to understand me,,,he says in this serious voice that he has purposed to understand me.....to me its sweet and abit amusing....but i get it..but he doesnt just ask me frivolous questions at times...MOST TIMES he asks me very difficult questions....i talk alot but there are stuff its like getting water out of a rock to get me to talk about....
so nway yesterday as we were talking on the phone he says taht usually when i get to this heart stuff i usually start talking at superspeed as if i want to get over the ordeal....he is so perceptive...so i say i know i do that at times but its because there are some stuff which make me feel vulnerable,,,and so i just rush thru them hoping i can get back to comfortable topics....nway he said he gets that in away but it doesnt excuse it...etc...so nway thsi is me saying how i talk in stages...so he laughs...nway later he asks me WHAT IS HAPPINESS TO YOU?si i say what does that mean?the law student in me?He says exactly what it says?(does this remind anyone of a courtroom?)..so i say thats an ambiguous question....so he says am being evasive and refusing to answer...nway i could tell that he actually wanted an answer..but i was also not going to answer such an open ended question...i mean DOES ANYBODY OUT THERE FEEL ME ON HOW OPEN THIS QUESTION IS?...so he say how do you define happiness...so i say thats the same question in a different wording....i was being really stubborn....nway i said unless he wants me to answer as equally vaguely with an ans like happiness is joy...thats stupid,,,so to avoid him getting extremely irritated which i could tell he was..i said he should answer the question then ad get an idea of how to answer it..i thought he wouldnt answer....he did immediately..as inhe said to him happiness...is me and him working...having me as his bride,,,,,raising a family together,,getting a satisfying job and being in right relationship with God...yaani iwas there like wawawaw we were actually having a serious conversation..this question wasnt just a by the way....so i told him i really hadnt expected an ans..but since he has i will give him feedback later..he wasnt too jazzed but all i could think ...my answer will matter to him and if i give a flip answer...he will be hurt or he will fell let down..those times when you say sth very important to you and they dont appreciate the importance you attch to it....
so this is me trying to think of what happiness me ans to me.....
ofcourse i wont write my reply here...sorry for all the nosy people...but ad like feedback on what happiness means to the people who read this blog....
not related but below are the lyrics to a song i heard like twice and av been searching for..its so profound....

Artist: Casting Crowns
Song: Stained Glass Masquerade
Album: Lifesong

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today, feeling so small?
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away
like everything's ok
If I make em all believe it
Maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin
I'll play the part again
So everyone will see me
The way that I see them

I we happy plastic people
under shiny plastic steeples
with walls around our weakness
and smiles that hide our pain
but the invitations open
To every heart that's been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands raised?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage?
The performance is convincing
And we know every light in my heart
Only when noone is watching can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If i dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
You imagine me to be
Or would your eyes be opened
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?

Chorus 2x

if the invitations open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today, feeling so small?

i have no specific reason for writing and no defined structure but by the end of this i hope it will be worth it.
i have been having random thoughts and questions lately...like is it ok for your friend to keep discussing stuff with your boyfriend or girlfriend whichever applies....which the two of you have discussed...for example...if scholar is my pal and J is my guy and they happen to be friends through me,,,,and i tell scholar about sth is it ok for her to discuss it with J?
its funny how after passage of time things look different.....hindsight does give perspective on some stuff....below is an entry from one of my blogs in another site about a year or so ago
Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 10:57pm (PST)
does anyone ever like change?i feel that there are too many changes happening in my life this year,in my head i do know that the only constant thing is change,but....one of my closest friends is to fly out this year,its literally ripping me apart cz i have known her for like 12years,she knows me like no other friend and understands me,atleast with all the other changes she has been there to hold my hand as i go thru them,the fear is paralyzing me for i cant just imagine her gone,God is asking me to trust HIM,i know i do but this is an unpleasant experience to say the least,
Monday July 2, 2007 - 12:07am (PDT)
what goes round comes around.yaani if someone could give me aroadmap for life then at this point ad appreciate it.nway exams will hopefully be over this week,which is a good thing yet it also means dealing with stuff which am not sure am prepared to do.i think av become a boy in that i compartmentalize things in my head.

one of my friends,at school, believes that i have a weird ritual of grieving for things before they occur so that by the time they occur am ready to deal with them and dont feel so bad...i dont think its weird cz it works for me...by the time my friend was leaving i had dealt with it early in the year that it dint even affect me much....it suprised me when a few days ago i was standing in myroom looking outside at the rain...when i realised that i really really missed her...i mean it wa sthe first time i had really had that feeling that i really wanted her near me at that particular second to understand whatever iwas thinking or the questions i had bila having to explain myself....
wheni wrote the send entry in july....i was in a stage of my life where i just felt lost....especially spiritually.It like i was in a desert and God had dweserted me or so i thought....everything dint make sense and too much was happening in my life and around me...and NO ONE UNDERSTOOD...so i jsut withdrew form evryone....there were times i almost if not actually HATED friends......since there was a rational part of me that knew it was illogical...i kept my distance or just dint talk about it....i mean who can understand that....one of my friends said how i had become so cold and hard etc....below are some entries from yet another different blog(yap i have enough blogs all over the net!)....Jul 30, 2007 7:35 AM
THERE IS SO MUCH RAGE IN ME THAT WHEN I DO BOTHER TO THINK ABOUT IT,I FIND MYSELF ABIT SCARED CZ ITS NOT HEALTHY OR EVEN SAFE TO HAVE THIS AMOUNT OF RAGE INSIDE.I THOT IT WAS ONLY DIRECTED AT MY FOLKS BUT EVEN MY CLOSEST PALS SEEM TO TICK ME OFF AT THE SLIGHTEST THING.AM SO DISCONTENT AND IN A PHASE THAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF.LORD I NEED YOU CZ I DONT KNOW WHAT AM TURNING INTO,ANGER KILLS AS I KNOW.
Jul 30, 2007 7:49 AM
there is this sadness in me that is masked by rage,am at work and am near tears and it doesnt hel that some stupid song is playing,what have i become,the song says"am so hollow" well thats how i feel,i feel so many things that i dnt know how to filter each and even begin to identify each emotion,there is a book that i read that said that there is no worse feeling than feeling lonely when you have every reason not to,like when ur surrounded by people yet you feel so alone.who am i?who am i?where am i headed?is a better day amyth or is it true is it a figment of my imagination sth i dream up to comfort myself?to console myself/reassure myself?does it really get better?what is better/who defines better?what if it doesnt then what?what happens when we voice our fears?who wrote the unwritten rule that we are supposed to appear that we have it all together even when inside we are in pieces?why am in this season?when am i getting out?what am i supposed to learn?Lord dont ever give up on me,even when i give up on myself,even when hope seems so far and so unreal,help me hang on for without hope what is life's worth,even in the midst of an ambush of deceit Lord help me remember ur truth even if its one basic truth that You love me and WILL NEVER FORSAKE ME.fight for me for a battle rages that i do not have the strength to wage .


its just amazing..i can now look back that God was preparing me for awesome stuff and the chaff had to come out....it had to be weeded out...and i had to learn total dependence on God.....without my friends or family....i have really matured and grown strong..not by my own choice in most cases but rather in letting go and allowing God to be Lord....yaani.....sadly also i have become very independent in away that hampers my friendships...i do still need my friends but i also find myself so used to being me&God that i am relearning communication.....last year i was taught resilience patience surrender and humility....as i look at the leadership roles i am in and even my relationship with J i now know why.....there is so much i need to learn but i can look back and say God never forsook me...nor was He punishing me but rather i was being refined and i will continue to be refined.....

Today in my consumer protection class we discussed some article and the writer was asking whther the needs we have are our own or if they have neen structurally been imposed on us?food for thought?

yesterday as iwas walking with J as he was heading to get the vehicle back to naks....he started telling me about how his passion for bass guitar and how to him its a gifting.....from what i have heard he is REALLY GOOD.....BUT IT WAS THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE WHEN HE EXPLAINED that when he is playing and its a really nice piece of music....how its so good you dont whether to cry or to laugh...thats its a feeling in between.....theni asked myself later after we parted whther i have such a passion for anything? other than reading which i have been so awful at this year.....what else?

usually on sunday i get home late but since i dropped my sweetheart i dint feel like much activity so i got home early ate with my family then started reading tghis book called the wedding by Nicholas sparks,,,,,yaani that book touched my heart....i cant explain....it was about rediscovering love in your spouse...yaani it was beautiful and jsut as iw as thinking of talking to J he calls to tell me he loves me....that he would do anything to make me happy and that Daily He asks God to show Him how....i dont know how i dint cry....cz it was just awesome...he reminded me that over the weekend we had covered alot of milestones hence i shouldnt forget....that i was his woman and the spae was only for one.........he said he knew adversity was going to come to test our commitment...and i cut in to say true but thats why we were building the foundation,,,nway i jsut love taht man in a way that sometimes makes me cry...which is so ironical but sometimes only tears can express what i feel.

i really want to get a job and move out....but i want to live with a friend or two...cz living alone would be too much temptation truth be told.....but i so want a good job which will enable me to move out.

some people are just lifetime losers..i concluded last week and this weekend.....they just are,,,a gal can get away with being foolish but for a man to be a loser what hope is there for you?

i am watching one tree hill season 5 and its so different but as ever i so feel peyton.....i feel am experiencing transition drama when most of my pals went thru this last year...nway tahts life....

its finally starting to sink in that some fool stole all my savings and now when i neede the k...its bilaz.....

we are launching camp on 8th of June.....yaani this camp will really be the thing not to miss and i can alredy see some people missing it while they are still waiting to be katiwad to come...shock on them....

to end this long post...wheni went to naks i wa staken to this awesome ethiopian restraurant called KOBEB....and there was such nuice music playing by a chic called HAIMIE...she had launched her CD,,,HENCE THEY WERE ON SALE THOUGH SHE WASNT AROUND.......and J kept saying how he knows her and they have done musiv together etc....i so loved the place and the music.....on sato as iw as chilling for a tuktuk to take me home this chic...very pretty...started talking to me and after some time she told me her name was......HAIMIE!!!!the name is very distincitive so i asked her oif she sings she said yes...i asked her if she knew KOBEB in naks,,,,she said her family owns it!!! i asked her if she knew J? she did!!!!!!!i couldnt belive it...iwas so jazzed....she is so down to earth....as in she was so pleasant so i explained and we were talking like long lost sisters...she is 19years old but is so gifted,,,,she was staying with some family friends on FAITH AVENUE...next to our street...yaani its a small world..when we re just vibing J calls!!!si w3as there so excited telling him how Haimie si satinding next to me.....etc....yaani i am glad i met her...she is so saved its awesome...then later at night when i was listening to KUBAMBA...they kept saying tehy have a ission on sunday to starch-pango and among the artiste performing was HAIMIe!! yaani too much of a coincidence....i was so jazzed...well let me sign off..i ahve written enough to last a year

am back...yaani mafans am sure you all missed me.....hihihi.....arusha was a story and a half and it will require its own post......
this is about naks.....yaani i cant believe that i finally got to go....there were moments i was sure sth would happen to stop me from going.......
it was more than i could expect...yaani if you are in love...you are in love...thats all i can say...this me who used to say how i dont do PDA...WELLL MISS SUNSHINE WAS SO COMFORTABLY WALZING NAKURU TOWN WITH HER SWEETHEART HAND IN HAND....yaani i had a ball and there are no words to fully express my joy.I finished whatever camp work i went to do by wednesday and still got to rest cz arusha was a bit hectic and best of all got to spend time with J.I REALLY LOVE THAT GUY...I CAN SAY THAT A MILLION TIMES AND NOT GET TIRED OF SAYING IT.......Ihave learnt that when you love someone you dont do it coz they love you but cpoz you choose to love them and yes its true love is a choice...whether a wise or foolish choice but a choice nonetheless...as i have interacted with J over these past months its been a conscious choice to get to know him but more importantly to allow him to know me....i more than any one else know hw subtly i can hold such vital parts of me from someone from me and yet the other party remains so unaware...for some reason all those walls came down with this guy.....at some point it was scary and as i said in an earlier post...i felt like i was on a precipice...on the edge of a cliff where i could choose to either walk away or let go upon which i could either plummet to the unknown or soar...well so far my step of faith(no pun intended!) paid of cz am soaring......
J is all i have dreamed in aman and so much more...it doesnt mean he is perfect...there is no such person on this earth....but i cathc myself so awestruck at times cz he compliments me and i compliment him so well...as in it is so easy between us...it just flows...he likes saying how he gets amazed that i always seem so happy and full of joy especially when i am with him as in he can just see it in my face...i usually laugh cz its true and its good thing...as in i dont need to pretend...wheni am with him...am at peace...the feeling you get when you know the world is as it should be...that you are finally home from a long journey.....
he brings out the softer side of me....which for all who know me it may be unbelievable but its true...he makes me calm....he says i have the softness that he needs in his life,,,,and get your minds out the gutter for all of you who have gone down that road,,,,,espe twox....i like the fact that he is a leader and has a very clear idea of hwere he wants to go nad has the confidence taht he will get there.....
i have come back to town as His chic.....or as he says his woman...as in that just amuses me no matter how many times i hear it.....thursaday and saturday was the highlight of my visit to naks...thursday cz i spent most of the day with him....and nyangi who usually doesnt like being touched or her space invaded was gladly enjoying all the above...saturday cz am a girl and i was impressed with the care taken to make sure i had an awesome night.......
I also came back with alot to think about....among other things that i may be getting married soomer than i ever envisioned...by idea was wheni ht 3oyears old...i doubt that will happen with the current state of things.....but in all things God knows best...will go on later my intl human rights class has started

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Ask me for my love


I was listening to this song by Bethany Dillon either last week or beginning of this week and it just hit me that it so expressed what am feeling and experiencing.J if i could write you a letter right from my heart the words of this song would say it best...knowing that i can never let you read this blog...and that for me its TOO TOO TOO SOON to tell you these words.....i express them in safety yet also with a hope that one day i can look into your eyes and say them confidently and happily.....sometimes i get the feeling that you dont think am in for the long haul....that i will bail out on you....for now i cant reassure you more than i have nad only time will reveal how much my love is worth. I know that silently i ask for heaven and you say you are ready to give beyond that which i ask.....i told you that i know that what we have is worth fighting for and that to me you are worth doing all that i have never attempted to do....You make me believe that all i have been waiting for is finally here and that my imagination did not even capture how good it can be...as the song says just ask me.....for my love.......am scared to be known by you yet am thrilled at the prospect of spending each and every day of my life with you...i cant imagine not having you in my life in any way.....a story that will never end.

I'm so scared that you will see
All the weakness inside of me
I'm so scared of letting go
That the pain I've hid will show

I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop

[c h o r u s]
I want you to know
You belong in my life
I love the hope
I see in your eyes
For you I would fly
At least I would try
For you I'll take
The last flight out

I'm afraid that
You will leave
As my secrets
Have been revealed
In my dreams
You'll always stay
Every breathing moment from now

I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop

[c h o r u s]

I cannot hold back
The truth no more
I let you wait too long
Although it's hard and scares me so
A life without you scares me more

[c h o r u s]
[Last Flight Out Lyrics on
http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Juzi i was listening to Plus one who are like one of my favourite groups and i have heard the above song like a zillion times especially when am jogging but on this day i just stopped what i was doing and felt like calling J and telling Him......i would love for you to be saying these words to me.....i like where it says that 'i know you want to hear me speak, but if i start to i'll never stop' sometimes you feel that i dont say enough or i keep stuff in...or that you tell me these wonderful stuff that just melt my heart and make me shut up..yet i dont say them back enough....well experience has not taught me the easiest lessons but lessons they have been nonetheless....if we are both right about us then we will have a lifetime to say whatever we want to each other.you say that i always sound happy and into you...and sometimes you wonder if its true and real....if you would have known me my whole life you could have easily realized that the cause of my seemingly never ending joy is knowing you.....as the song says i like the hope i see in your eyes..well for now you cant see me...but when you will you will see all that is in my heart before i even utter a word

Dean sherman says that love is a choice...our personality and gift of attraction kinda chooses for us potential people to be attracted to but we choose whom to love.Its true.am out

am not sure what am writing on but i just feel a need to write...i feel like am standing at a precipice...like either i let go and jump or do the usual ...basically chicken out. I had an interesting converstaion yesterday with Mr. Mysterious...lets just say that for once i was left speechless...and this is me who can spew 3010 words per second...but it was a good kind of speechless...those you know that if you break the flow...you would be marring a beautiful thing.... a while back one of my friend was describing to me an incident involving some potential dude in her life and she sayd how there is sth he said or did that she just found herself melting...well i finally understood what she meant......
it came as a shock but last month i finally admitted or found out how apparently i had actually loved this dude who had really hurt me......all i would ever admit was that that i had really really really liked him and he hadnt liked me as much as i did so i was hurt......but truth of the matter is apparently i loved this guy....i was so pissed to come to this realisation coz to my naive mind if i was to love someone they ought to first love me before i get to loving them and it is supposed to be this awesome thing that blows my mind and is all happy go lucky...all sunshine....well in this case it was more of a case of doubts,obsessions,insecurities,moments of joy,then not...as in truly a load of crap.....cant totallly blame the guy...i saw it all coming he was never into me but like the proverbial fool a part of me kept hoping he would grow to like me!!!!like what are these???????For the record there is no such thiong in this day and age......it was either there in the first place then it increases or it wasnt there and will never be there....it took my heart getting broken and me breaking some poor guys heart to realise that is such a load of crap we sell to ourselves. True to form this guy had liked some chic from the get go when he met her......a lovely chic i must say and they are so suited they still together till now...and are both good friends of mine.....but what i always wonder was there anything i could have done to avoid getting hurt? it all started as a joke... a silly crush.....then it became almost an obsession...yaani i knew i had to get out but could never find the will to do it......i know that sounds weak and pathetic but i would try to say i will stay away from this dude ,i wont communicate with him...but then ad miss him so much ad just find myself talking to him again hence digging myself deeper......i got so hurt that only God in Heaven knows how deep.....to this day i never blame the dude...some of my pals did.....but i knew from the get go that i wasnt the chic for him...yet.....a friend once asked me whether we ever deserve any hurt that people cause us....i still dont have an answer...but all i know is that it wasnt his fault...there were instances when he could have told me how he felt about the other gal earlier but other than that.....i think we dont dictate to our hearts whom to be attracted to...i was reading Dean sherman's book and he was defining attraction. He said that attraction is the acknowledgement that something is pleasant. It is a gift.I think i got so hurt that i made a n inner vow...somewhere in me a resolution was made to protect my heart at whatever cost.It was a subconcsious vow buit one made nonetheless....last month i really went on a soul searching mission and among the things i was wondering about was how av gone out with these dudes...liked some alot but there is a point it never goes beyond...some pita the usual defences but there is a point they never pass...and i couldnt see why?i wasnt doing so much defence work...it just was so....anyway it finally hit me......we were taught about bitter roots and inner vows....that stuff is real...i had broken some as regard my past but i had never realized that there was one that i had never...well God has been the one person i have fully and completely trusted with my heart...its my treasure...yaani its the one thing i go to any length to preserve...so this year after the wachira debacle and mr.conservative joke i decided that i would trust God but i would break that vow...and try and be brave and allow my heart to be more involved...and who is the lucky person to meet me when i finally make this decision? J....I think God really loves him coz i have been such an angel...he even asked me if am usually this nice!!!!!me?me? difficult stubborn me?.....But wonders will never cease.....its actually me...the me i am when am with Him amazes me....i am totally my usual loud self and all but i play no games with him. and truth be told i feel no need to .He is so straight forward...he says it as it is...ok leo the blog wasnt about him...am not ready to do that and no questions about his identity or whatever...
I so started one post and ended up writing another...but am on the brink of falling in love.