Divine creativity equals unusual me

Samuel's reaction on seeing Eliab was my reaction on meeting H at the beginning of this year . My heart leaped and felt that surely this is the man I get to know and eventually build something meaningful with. Surely God has sent him to me. I prayed when I met him and I prayed when I felt he was becoming important to me. I prayed when I got scared that I could fall for him and he could hurt me. I prayed when we disagreed no matter how trivial, the disagreement would be. I prayed that God would teach me how to love him as he deserved to be loved as I also prayed that God would teach him how to love me as I needed to be loved. I fearfully prayed that if he was not meant to be in my life then God would take him from my life.

Again like Samuel I used my limited human eyes and mind to conclude that sure this is he. Yesterday at that reception it was like God was whispering to me, 'beloved, let it go. Let him go. He was not the best thing to happen to you. I see beyond what your human heart and mind can conceive. I look at who a person really is and that true element of who they are is not hidden from me' God was reminding me that never has He forsaken me or stopped being on my team. The next verses go on to detail one brother after another being presented yet not being the one chosen. God is reminding me to be patient and trust the process

I honestly believe that God knows me better than I know myself . He knows those deep seated desires that I cannot even dare articulate . So yeah I may have to meet several non-starters or not, regardless of that fact, the lesson in all that is to trust that I have entrusted my hearts desires and dreams to Him. He is faithful to keep that treasure for that day he has appointed. It will be well. I seem to have lost that hope and belief. I will get it back. That joy of life and belief that life is indeed good. The sun will shine again. Most days I am surprisingly okay and all engrossed with other aspects of my life. Some days are indeed like that but morning does come so it is okay

This is a post to remind myself that being vulnerable and open is something to be celebrated rather than met with shame even when another person doesn't respect or honor that via their actions or words

I had five months with this guy and I thought we had something special. Apparently I was wrong seeing as he stopped communication for no apparent reason. Closure is not a right; something I learnt in my twenties. No one owes you closure and the best thing is to pick yourself and move one. I am doing that daily. Daily my friend, and there are days it seems its every minute as my mind replays everything. I have so many questions but I must silence those questions. Then there are days I miss him so terribly and feel so bad for doing so. Then anger, sadness and despair. It's all part of letting go of us.

I will be well. I know that. I will be well. A part of me is more than hurt. I am angry that you cheapened five months . I love music specifically 90's music so while jogging yesterday this song came on and the lyrics are kinda applicable:

BRANDY LYRICS
"What About Us"


Why don't you return my calls?
Why you trip out where I be?
You don't ever come to see me
You say that you're too busy (what?)

What the hell?
I don't have time
Why you messin' with my mind?
I can find another guy
Someone who will treat me right

I don't need this bullshit
I won't put up with it, any longer
You can, go if you want
I don't, need you pity
I will, be just fine
If you decide, that you want to leave
Close the, door behind you
I just, want to know what...

What about all of the
Things that you say
What about all of the
Promises that you made
What about all of the
Nights that you gave
What about all of the
Things you told me
What about all of the
Things that you say
What about all of the
Promises that you made
What about all of the
Nights that you gave
What about, what about
What about us? What about us, us?
What about us? What about us, us?

I thought you said you were different
Was that what I heard you say?
Said that you'd love only me
Thought that you'd be all I need (what?)
What happened to promises?
Said that you were a better man
Your words have no way with me
Cause you're counterfeit, I see

I don't need this bullshit
I won't put up with it, any longer
You can, go if you want
I don't, need you pity
I will, be just fine
If you decide, that you want to leave
Close the, door behind you
I just, want to know what...

What about all of the
Things that you say
What about all of the
Promises that you made
What about all of the
Nights that you gave
What about all of the
Things you told me
What about all of the
Things that you say
What about all of the
Promises that you made
What about all of the
Nights that you gave
What about, what about
What about us? What about us, us?
What about us? What about us, us?

I have broken up with you a million times........all in my head. You don't know how many times we have been in the middle of conversation and I have been in the cusp of uttering those words only to hesitate or wait till its too late...till we start those three hour or five hour conversation that span the breadth of the inane to important.  Apart of me is so used to this non-relationship with its bizarre rituals and habits that I fear despite wanting to end it, I will end up caving in and asking to get back to it but my sanity and pride cannot take that.
I suspect this post is also another delaying tactic. A friend confronted me in December, he said I was hiding myself in this situation so as not to deal with a person right here. I did know that a part of me loves doing that, I get the emotional intimacy without dealing with other aspects of a relationship. Your being so physically far from me was actually a plus when all this started mid last year.

I thought I could put into paper what these six months have been hell I even had a temporary tattoo of your name on my neck! hahahaha I can never regret that but I am kinda over playing fake non-relationship. I am not in love with you and I am pretty sure you are similarly not in love with me and honestly that is a good thing coz it would make this messy. I once told you that we reconnected and after months of being in this bleh and non-creative phase, I just started doing more projects. You were like a creative locksmith! Haha. I am grateful, I needed that relaxed easy space that you and I created but like all stages of life, its time to get back to work.
 For the first time in a long time I know and feel ready, I feel ready for a proper relationship. I feel ready to let in someone and to build something together. I want the full breadth of intimacy, everything that scares me about it, I am ready to share who I am, the good and the ugly, similarly I am ready to deal with someone's else good and ugly, someone ready and willing to put in a corresponding amount as I am putting in. Perhaps because finally I can see my life taking shape no matter how hazily, but I have a fair idea of how and where I'm headed. More than that I have made peace with who I am, I like me and I accept and love me enough to be honest to that truth.

So for all the laughs, listening ear, shared confidences, crazy ass intelligent conversations and all that, thank you! I doubt we will ever stop being friends but I just need time to fully move out of this phase. Every time a dude asks me out I am faced with this dilemma, I know I am not in a relationship yet we have this 'fantasy' which makes me pause, loyalty to that and loyalty to myself in that what about my future plans. I have said no to so many but the few I said yes to, were obviously doomed not to progress further because my mind and emotions were partially occupied elsewhere. I seem not to know how to have my cake while still eating it. I finally have to do right by me. One of my closest couple friends celebrated their first year anniversary. I was one of their witnesses in the wedding last year and I look at how they are each others person and its not so much the marriage that tags at my heart as much as the fact that each know the other person has their back . The companionship is what calls out to me because that is what I want. My other close friend sent me an email reminding me of how far we have come from age 11 when we first met to now she is planning her wedding in August and asking me to be her best maid. Again its not the wedding that tags at my heart but the fact that she has her person to share this journey called life. I have friends and family who love me abundantly but I want my own person. A third example is one of my other closest friends who lives in another country but who I talk to if not daily but every other day. Two weeks ago he informed me of how on a random work trip he met this girl who they somehow connected and despite the many miles between them, they are trying to make it work.  I was obviously so happy for him and all but a part of me was also a bit sad as I felt like we  have always been in the same boat, trying to just carve our future while waiting the proper time and person for a relationship. That aside, yeah perhaps a tiny bit if peer pressure but mostly its me. I must do my part to be open to opportunities and not self sabotage. This is probably more a letter to myself than to you.

So long  DKNY,....Anya

Usually i wouldnt post forwards but this one is important. I sent iit to a close friend of mine some time back and she sent it back to me today and i realized that it says alot of things which we all need to know as ladies...so there can never be too much education..especially on these creatures called men....incidentally as iwas reading one of the books on women and the law i came across an interesting quote. "Human beings are animals,albeit of a certain kind" it just amused me....anyway i digress.....fwd or no fwd whoever who wrote the words below hit it on the nail.


IF A MAN WANTS YOU



If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has
more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships..........................there is nothing cute about
baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists
of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your
always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another
RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
BY THE WAY, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN, SO TAKE A HINT..............