I've been very uninspired and almost downcast these past week or so. There have been a lot of stuff that have happened but none of them have accounted for just how despondent I've been feeling. It is a hard month right after the holidays so business has been slow. Intellectually I have understood this but its also not been easy.
Today somehow in the midst of my mini- depression, i somehow decided to just go a head and start working on one of the fashion events I've been planning for this year.  I somehow seem to be always consulting others and waiting before doing any of these fashion events! a fact that surprises me since I'm such an independent decision maker, more often than not I'm usually informing people of my ideas or thinking aloud than really asking for their advice. All in all its just lead to crippling procrastination!

One of the biggest demotivating factors I've realized is doing nothing. You'd rather do something  in imperfect conditions even have flawed results than do nothing! That is the lesson for me in January, not that I've done nothing this whole month. I have had some clients and done more marketing and deal chasing than ever did as a relationship associate! Some of it has borne fruit, the rest I am sure will do during the year, but my personal confidence in my skills  has grown indeed.

I've been meaning to host a clothes swap for so long but i have always found a reason not to do it. So on this Friday   sat down and wrote what kind of swap I'd like, the target, the items to be swapped etc. I sent out the invites and now for the next few days its my main project second to my best friends wedding where I'm a best maid. In fact the minute I involved myself actively in managing the stuff needed for the bridesmaids, I started to enjoy myself. I have a need to be useful in a manner that makes sense to me.

I just wanted to write down how doing something does increase your motivation

I'm a big fan of Very smart brothers blog and every morning I have to check it out as part of my routine. Today's post was on motivation. As I read the post and the comments I wondered what my motivation was. So I decided to try and put in in my own blog post. I fear this will be a jumbled blog post as I will be writing as the thoughts come.

I think currently I live and breathe my dream for fashion. My waking hours and my dreams are all about how I can achieve that dream and not just the dream of going to fashion school in Italy but actually doing fashion wherever I am and it being a success. This dream has required of me everything; all that I am thus fear is also behind it. The fear of failure and ridicule. The fear that perhaps I should have towed the line like the rest rather than thinking I am special. I do not think of myself as a competitive person or as a person in the habit of measuring my success in relation to others but I must admit our peers to give us a yardstick by which we check our progress whether we like it or not. In a sense that also motivates me, that not only must I catch up to the status quo, but I must surpass it and set a new one though not necessarily using my friends as a measure but rather my previous view of how my life would turn out. That ensures that once in a while I have nagging questions and doubts as to whether the path I have chosen is right and how I can ensure I do achieve my goals in a successful manner.
Fear of rejection is one of the biggest fear in my life. In WHATEVER situation the thought of rejection does inform my conscious and unconscious behavior. I have tried to psychoanalyze why this is so till I gave up. I wonder if in my childhood I faced a lot of rejection or I PERCEIVED that I faced rejection, but nonetheless the thought of being rejected leaves me cold. I'm not a fan of blaming everything on your childhood as it's a cop out. I read a book recently that simply blew me away; ― Steve Toltz, A Fraction of the Whole “Losers blame their parents; Failures blame their kids.” I agree. Nonetheless, I would rather convince myself that I do not want something than allow myself to be vulnerable and risk rejection. That said and done, I realised that was a self-defeating attitude and I try in most things to go against my very fiber to still be open to things and so despite this insidious fear I am still an adventurous person who tries all kinds of things for the sheer possibility that it could be Interesting. Which drives me to my other motivating factor, 'interesting'. I will try almost anything if I suspect it will be 0.00001% interesting. Someone said that most men want life as easy and comfortable as possible while most women want life interesting. I am definitely in that percentage. The pursuit of interesting is one of my biggest goals and drive in life. The thought of getting married in the same manner most people have my whole life, doing the job everyone else has, having the same 2.5 kids people have, is reason to jump off a cliff. Same applies to the men I'm attracted to. Is he interesting and sadly I find it hard to articulating what exactly that entails. I just know it when I see and experience it. It is why the thought that I've become provincial is killing me. There is a whole world out there with interesting things, foods, drinks, people and views that I have not experienced. I AM MISSING OUT. It should be noted that interesting does not always lead to fun or good experiences but it sure does beat boring.

My faith in God has motivated me much more than anything in my whole life. I am nothing without God as a reference point. My belief in God is at the root of my confidence and strength to move each and every day. It is what drives my engines. It is beyond my mind's comprehension how people live without belief in God. Honestly it baffles my mind. I know I can't survive without my faith in God, despite the proliferation of cynicism as an accepted and fashionable attitude when it comes to God. My very essence is from Him. All the good that is me is from Him and any redeeming quality that I may have is from him. The only person I trust to love me unconditionally and ACTUALLY does is God. The one who never tires to listen and encourage me.

Finally my other big motivation is the belief and desire to be different. I am different and that belief is so strongly embedded in me that no logic or evidence can remove it. One of my friends, a guy, likes saying I like rebelling against all authority and rules. While my first instinct is usually to go against rules, I do not most times. I also believe that we are not some robots to just follow rules for rules sake. It has to make sense to me. More than that the person has to have the authority to be enforcing these rules in my eyes; hence who are you? or you are asking me to do that as who? is a common phrase in my speech. More than that the answer to the question 'why?' usually determines my obedience or lack of it. Most people want to issue commands and expect immediate obedience. I do not work like that. Why I'm doing what I'm doing matters a lot. We are not sheep! it infuriates most people but I'm quick to point out that I am only protecting myself from authoritarian rule from anyone and frankly, stupidity out of lack of HAVING AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT. I am much closer to my mother than my father simply because my father believes in talking to me and explaining the rationale behind anything he requests of me while my mother believes in issuing orders and expecting no questions asked and instant obedience . To use a personality analysis a friend sent me sent me to show me how I am:

Portrait of an ISFP - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
(Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Sensing)

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.

They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.

ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.

While I did not agree with some of the other traits, I actually agreed with the above quoted applying to myself. Because I believe I am different I do not do things just because they have always been done. I do them because I like them or they make sense to me. It means I do not do some things that people think everyone should do like necessarily cooking for some man every day of my life like some servant. I have a fear of conforming to the norm and just being blah! The good side of my healthy love of being different is that I come up with creative things and my mind is able to think outside the box.

So what motivates you?