Divine creativity equals unusual me

i FINALLY fessed up to viv about edz.I have been having this compelling need to fess up...one of the things i usually say is important to me above love and happiness is truth...i really like this chic and we really hit it off at the retreat....and we were each other's partners and the whole weekend i kept having this urge to tell her.I felt that if she ever found out later when we have become tight pals..she would feel cheated or betrayed that our friendship was built on lies..yet i also had a selfish reason for fessing up...i just wanted to let go of this awful load on me..and put another aspect of a check on myself so that this dependence on edz can be held back..and so that all avenues are closed off completely. so finally when i was in the car using my dad's phone i told her over chat...at first i warned that it was probably a conversation she would like and it maybe better to have it after alabastron is over..but either way i told her..and i can say she was shocked and at a loss for words...even as i was doing it....i felt so awful..such a feeling of disgust...i cant say edu did anything wrong....honestly other than the last comment about us guys going out and he will for sure hit on me..which on all account could be a joke..a bad one..but nonetheless a joke....and i cant say i have hit on the guy..for me it was just the unhealthy dependence on him for affirmation..and the stubborn holding on to the idea of a me and him at some point....yet i guess for her....S is a very CLOSE PAL OF HERS.....and i guess they all hang out as a crowd..even now i wonder what i have done..if she tells S and S talks to edz...HE will KILL me...for sure....but i wasnt telling her to tell her pal or indirectly tell him....i wanted it out and its part of putting him finally to death..the pedestal that i have put him on...is now down and i wanted it to stay down...and i realise viv's opinion of me really matters to me..and even as i was telling her the stuff i could imagine whats going through her mind....i think i was sad cz this is not me..and i never thought i would be where i am..where i even considered dallying with another girl's man....i feel such utter disgust when i think about it5..such self loathing...its despicable...yet i told her.nway i told her that i cant make her not tell her pal..but i hope she doesn't..i know i was putting her in a hard situation she said S is like her sister..and i get..and i was thinking if it was one of my girls what would i do....truth is important but i wonder if i was wise to speak out..yet it is done....if nothing else it taught me that with seemingly little decisions often lie bigger consequences that we often overlook.....i wonder if me and viv will be pals the way we were starting to be...i felt so bad i was just weeping yesterday..i mean what am i becoming?...where are those values i so hold dear....and i guess the realisation that if i dont stop right now and find God again..i am heading for destruction with consequences that i probably cannot bear... MORE THAN THAT i have to accept forgiveness from God and fully forgive myself...that was the major lesson at the retreat and even now each moment i have to remember that.A part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop if edu hears this..i am so scared..but there is nothing i can do..part of my resolution is to stop controlling things.
i am dreading the sato class but i will go even if it kills me..This week we are doing self work on self esteem..lets just say mine has taken a beating.Viv said she respects me for telling her...fOR SOME REASON I REALLY CLICKED WITH THAT CHIC...nway God knows

It's been a hard year.But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard.Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

thing was THE WORDS from that song really tell where i am....And it is a much better place...on sato went for alabastron i think for the past three or so weeks i have not been doing my assignments and if there are any thoughts about what we are told to think about..its been against my will..yet nonetheless i have found myself giving thought to stuff that i deliberately refused...yet i am Glad i worked out..sato's session was really good..we went till 230 in stead of 1130.....yaani but it was a sawa session..we all had to talk about the other man...the last time we talked about the other woman....for some its an actual person for others its an ideal they have set in their mind..even for some married ladies they have the other man...that was rally interesting...another interestinga cycle she taught us..how we create our environment....it starts with a thought which informs your speech which in turn inform your action then its repeated to form a habit which form a pattern and the pattern leads to your destiny..in that destiny your environment is created..a.nd full cycle your environment affect your thoughts.....its eerie..for example a chic keeps saying i dont a so and so man..eg a violent man or a player...etc..she keeps thinking it and soon all she ever says is how she doesnt want such a man...her speech will inform er action in actually hooking up with a violent man or a player..cz all the mind conscious or subconscious is getting is violent man..the i want or not want is not recognised..its what u are focusing on that it identifies..the action is repeated with several men..and soon its a habit...then a pattern in her life..leading to her destiny of marrying a violent man or a player....and the environment of voilence or infidelity is created..yaani...profound stuff.same theory applies with i dont want to be like my mother....etc....so she told us instead focus on what you want...keep thinking on what you want so that you will be talking about what you want and hence end up where you want..rather than where you dont want to be..in whatever area of your life...for me i should stop talking about how i dont want to practice law...so at that point we had to figure out what we want..some of us couldnt answer..so we have an assignment to think about what i want....that question scars me but i finally thought about it and journaled and waaaahh the stuff that chucked just amazed me..i am glad Laimani insisted we get journals..its a helpful tool..
The was also the issue of idealizing a situation or a person..meaning you fixate on a particular outcome and refusing to see any other outcome.
In OUR GROUPS WE HAD TO DISCUSS WHAT TRIGGERS OUR ADDICTIONS.addictions being the self imposed unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with baggage.Baggage is as result of another person's decision.indecision,action,inaction or words.Addictions are also false substitutes for real needs.So we all had to identify what triggers our addictions.then we had to state the cost of those addictions on ourselves,our family.our work,our friends.,our life etc.Each person had to d tis for themselves while th rest listen.We also each had to state what we need t stop doing to disempower these addictions and what we need to start doing to empower ourselves and th benefits which will accrue.
I think the fore retreat will rock...as in by now we have bonded and in as much as sometimes we all have our moments when we are rebelling against the whole process..we each want to get 100% from the program.

I think for me it was learning that my emotional tank is full here i am so confident tat i have fully let go of this man....only to be told that even when i talk..it just shows..my emotional tank is so full that it cannot allow another man room..its like i am fixated on just tis one man..i know or i hope i am not in love with him....i know sometimes the idea of me and him is strongly embedded in me..but that my tank is full that is still blowing me away...he has his person....i so do no want to be in this position..i want my tank completely empty of him....yaani sato i saw this super hot guy...and he was light and so yummy looking...now imagine if a miracle happened and we hook up and stuff went well....and down the line i cant commit as i should ati cz my emotional tank is filled up with this other man...eurghgggggggggggggggggggg...SO NOT WORKING FOR ME.....yaani i want him out of my system by whatever means necessary...I WANT HIM OUT.....God please hear me ....out...Some chic from the wed class was sharing..i really liked her..but anyhuuuu she was saying her story and it was kinda similar to mine..and fr her it was so serious..when th guy called her to say he was getting married she literally mourned him for like4months everyday waking up weeping...praying,fasting the whole works..ok that spooked me..this guy better leave my system sooonest cz i aint got time..but seriously its like loss..i rally felt for he...but she said eventually she hacked..God was faithful....
We also talked about the other man...for some its an actual person for others its an ideal..whether you are married or not.Laimani said something which i thought was important sh said when you get saved your spirit gets saved but your bod and soul doesnt that why you have to work on your soul.It is ever at war....and your soul is linked to the key to your purpose..so if you have soul issues it even impedes your communication with the Holy Spirit.

sato was a very full day for me.My folks traveled to shagz for a funeral so i was essentially home alone....went for alabastron with Shirley..the ride there was sth from a comic book...it was eight in the morning but the mat dint have fuel..i mean why did they bother picking us..at some point they were pushing the mat while we are inside...in my mind i was getting pissed as i had woken up an hour earlier...just to be early...Shirley was just laughing...after a while i just detached..when we on the highway we just felt enough is enough we boarded another mat..and arrived 3min late..but it hadn't started.There were new people so we did a recap and got started..i was an awesome day...i am glad Shirley came...in away with Shirley i have experienced so much more than with my other friends...she is my one pal i know i can live with comfortably case we get each other and never have any drama....for this week part of our assignment is to write a letter to our younger self..this for me will be a challenge..when i write...i am really open and its like am reliving that moment...i will do it..but a part of me is dreading it....
i later headed for Helen's & Moppa's wedding reception......it was interesting..especially seeing moppa being taught he lughya dances...later we went to paint the town red..i was arriving home at 3 in the morning....i thnk i will be following my pal's mum advice no wedding food...my tummy went on a revolt at 5am.....Sunday was a day spent home...recovering and lounging..at least Edu kept me company in the afternoon via phone..i have no idea why he was working on Sunday...we hit vibe.....he says i am on a downward trend..if i was out that late...he says he hopes i wont start justifying premarital sex..i laughed and said i wont. H e keeps saying how good rangers is.the place and the band on sato..i have to go there one of these days,,,,nway no more..gotta work

A very good friend of mine told me about a network for ladies. Since matters to do with women pull at my heart strings....i inquired more...and that is how on a Saturday morning i was trudging along Mombasa road going for the first meeting.It is called ALABASTRON. I was wearing avery short skirt though with leggings...nonetheless..on the way it raised a few eyebrows...I must have been on a defensive mood as i wore the clad as a test of these women whom i had not even met..if they were going to judge me..let me give them some ammunition then it lets me know what kind of people i am dealing with....grossly unfair in hindsight....I almost dint continue but i made myself join them... i was late but they hadnt started...it was a mixed group of college/ university age ladies, working ladies,married,engaged,mothers etc..we were about 15in total including the facilitators.

The one thing was that there was no judgement,,,i really give them kudos for tha..i had an awesome time and soon was able to relax....contribute and laugh alot. There is a chic who sat near me called Njeri..i really like..i dont know why....I dint write this post to write about what happens in Alabastron but just some impressions....what happens in Alabastron stays there. especially the nitty gritty detail.. I am excited to be there and i really feel that this year i am walking in God's will..as in events are just happening to align me where God wants me...for this year God gave me His word from Zephaniah 3:15-20...as were were concluding the session Laimani gave us that a verse from there Zeph3:17..for me it was the final confirmation that i was where i was supposed to be.

I like the fact that there is such diversity in the group and even more people are joining. there are people there ho have probably never been saved. YET each and every person is willling to participate,share,learn and be empowered to empower another person.I am yet to buy the journal we are all to keep. I have journaled once this year; this should prove interesting.

I pestered all the gals in my fellowship to join....though Scar will join the next one coz of the timing but mo and shirley will join me on the next class.On that note we had the best bs this sunday...as in am happy with this group..no stupid games about how each person an say the least while waiting to see how much the rest will say...we are doing a book by pam Farrel one of my favourite authors...A WOMAN OF INFLUENCE......Last week discovered our leadership styles