Divine creativity equals unusual me

Father God, I am truly thankful for my blessings. Yet it is quite another thing to be thankful in the hard times and with the unanswered questions of life. Thank You for understanding that it is not easy for me.
Thank You for showing me that when I can't be thankful for the hard stuff, You remind me just to be thankful IN it. For it is in that where Your character of faithfulness will be proven over and over to me. Thank You for the confidence that You will see me through. Help me to lean hard on Your strength, wisdom and care. Thank You that You will build a track record in my life through Your faithfulness. You enable me to be thankful in hard times because You are my God and You can be trusted with my life, even in the hard stuff! In Jesus' name I pray, amen.


am broken....that's what i am.....i am so down..i wonder if i will ever get up....its not even anger...more like i am resigned.....which is sad...i think i am just there..waiting....to see what each new day ill bring...either worse ,..or the same of what was there yesterday....it is hard to remember that chronos time is not the same time as kairos time..yet i torture myself...i wonder what lesson am i not learning..that i feel so stuck in this season

where do i start.....do i enumerate the countless ways that these past weeks and months have broken me..or should i attempt to paint a picture of the state of despair i have been slowly but surely falling into.....

I am of the school of thought that is is better to have no expectations rather than to have them and be disappointed......for indeed disappointment is an anathema to me...but more abhorrent is rejection..and so i strive not to give people the power of rejecting me in any way i can...even if it means not wanting the thing that would enable them reject me or disappointment...yet how can the same apply to GOD?......

I was reminded of a fundamental truth...that God is not moved by our need but by our faith...that may seem so cold.....especially when u reach a point where you have begged and reached a point where you are so desperate that all pride is thrown outside your person.....i hate to beg..yet begged i did.....not presuming that i deserve yet still relying on the fact that mercy is His trait.....and so each day i have lived in a state of part hopefulness that of course i will get that which i ask for..and part sinking feeling that am done for if i don't.....my life has been a life of faith....it has been the greatest gift my parents could ever give me....maybe unknowingly but it set into motion a life that just had to be one of faith.....faith in the sense that when i believe i believe with all that is in me,.,,and it does not matter what people say..or how it looks i believe and influence those around me.....yet in retrospect faith was a very minor ingredient in the weeks that have passed and so it was inevitable that when i crashed it would be a mighty crash....
It was not with anger that i approached God but despair.....it was physical ..fro my bones were week..it did not help that several circumstances had seemingly conspired to keep sending me the same message..yet when i look and judge everything fairly...there were an equal amount of encouragement....

I am in season when i am being taught patience and perseverance..and indeed both must finish their work in me before i proceed to the next stage......yet yesterday was a night of despair.....i wept and wept...as if a dam had been broken..one that had been accumulating with copious amounts of water..or is pain,disappointment and rejection....i wept not caring whether it was weak..or right or proper...i wept...for i could not stop myself..and did not have the inclination nor the desire to do so.....and when i was almost through i reached out to three of my support allies....why those three i will never know..yet it was the right decision...and even in that i went back God..for in him all things hold.....i did not go in anger..but in sincerity...stating how much hurt i was...ands how much i really thought my begging and sincere request would move him..yet even then..i acknowledged that HE WAS in control..and all His plans have always to do me good..he sees the whole picture......then the recollection of what he has promised me.....and my support system rallied in to remind me of truth...but most importantly to hold my hand....maybe not physically there....but rather where it counts..they let me be weak..and in so strengthened me...even today it has been a day to make me realize that relationship are worth gold.....for all else fails.....so on those dark dreary and rather stormy nights....do u have someone to hold your hand?..if u don't..then start holding someone's.....for in giving we receive

dear Lord.
am at the point where am so weary believing doesn't seem to make sense anymore..nor do i know if i can keep holding on..yet without faith...whats the use of hoping....what i hear and what i see....it just keeps breaking...who i was .....i wonder if that girl will ever be..if it is for some good....well maybe a different me will appreciate it....this journey reminds me of much-afraid's journey to high places ....and how she had to develop hind feet such trying circumstances..but more so that her companions to the high places were sorrow and suffering........i have stopped reading that book..the allegory..too close to home....nway today all i can do is stand...whether i am holding on..is a matter of debate...for i cant elp but wonder if the choices i have made..whether they will validate me..or mock me......i am reading a civil action and it makes me miss law...i wrote that my affair with law leaves creases on my brow....hahahaa..there are moments like some harem girl it tantalizes me..that he best is with it and i am so missing out....other times it cajoles..of how i know that i know..that i would be awesome and excellent at it...so why not try it.....yet there is a part of me that knows..that to do that would be a gross betrayal of myself...and the beginning of an end...and just one step away from my own graveyard...the reasons of the heart..reason knows not...indeed how true.....yet at each moment when i falter and all i want to do is lie at where i have fallen...a straw is suddenly evident and we all know about drowning men and straws....it could be a song....tomorrow is a promise. . . so don't break...or he speaks right before we stop believing...or it could be an event that just gladdens my heart ..or like yesterday it could be time spent with precious friends...or it could be His word reminding me that His understanding no one can fathom..e does not grow weary or tired...and that he renews those who hope in him..so even now when i don't even know if i have the capacity to ope anymore..i believe HIM WHEN HE SAYS...he does not grow weary..for if he did...i wouldn't be here.....yet maybe just maybe i will see another day where i will be that girl who believed with her whole heart that THE BEST IS YET TO COME......j moss encouraged me with this song





Sittin here think 'bout times
I thought I wasen't gon' make it
Times I should've been dead
And been gone But God felt different
But I'm still all because of His goodness
I'm a living witness miracles still fall from heaven

He moves when we don't expect Him to
He knows the doors that we face
And He speaks right before we stop believin
He shows His love through his grace

I'll praise Him in the sanctuary
I'll praise Him with the tremble and dance
I'll praise Him with the trumpet and symbol
Since I'm breathin, I'm gon praise Him again

Sittin here think 'bout times
I thought I wasen't gon' make it
Times I should've been dead
And been gone But God felt different
But I'm still all because of His goodness
I'm a living witness miracles still fall from heaven

He moves when we don't expect Him to
He knows the doors that we face
And He speaks right before we stop believin
He shows His love through his grace

I'll praise Him in the sanctuary
I'll praise Him with the tremble and dance
I'll praise Him with the trumpet and symbol
Since I'm breathin, I'm gon praise Him again

I'll praise Him in the sanctuary
I'll praise Him with the tremble and dance
I'll praise Him with the trumpet and symbol
Since I'm breathin, I'm gon praise Him again

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Go on and get yours
Now let's dance!

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Go on and get yours
Now let's dance!

Hallelujah


I'll praise Him in the sanctuary
I'll praise Him with the tremble and dance
I'll praise Him with the trumpet and symbol
Since I'm breathin, I'm gon praise Him again

I'll praise Him in the sanctuary
I'll praise Him with the tremble and dance
I'll praise Him with the trumpet and symbol

Since I'm breathin
Since I'm breathin
Since I'm breathin
Since I'm breathin
Since I'm breathin
Since I'm breathin
Since I'm breathin
Since I'm breathin
Since I'm breathin, I'm gona praise Him again

i have no specific reason for writing and no defined structure but by the end of this i hope it will be worth it.
i have been having random thoughts and questions lately...like is it ok for your friend to keep discussing stuff with your boyfriend or girlfriend whichever applies....which the two of you have discussed...for example...if scholar is my pal and J is my guy and they happen to be friends through me,,,,and i tell scholar about sth is it ok for her to discuss it with J?
its funny how after passage of time things look different.....hindsight does give perspective on some stuff....below is an entry from one of my blogs in another site about a year or so ago
Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 10:57pm (PST)
does anyone ever like change?i feel that there are too many changes happening in my life this year,in my head i do know that the only constant thing is change,but....one of my closest friends is to fly out this year,its literally ripping me apart cz i have known her for like 12years,she knows me like no other friend and understands me,atleast with all the other changes she has been there to hold my hand as i go thru them,the fear is paralyzing me for i cant just imagine her gone,God is asking me to trust HIM,i know i do but this is an unpleasant experience to say the least,
Monday July 2, 2007 - 12:07am (PDT)
what goes round comes around.yaani if someone could give me aroadmap for life then at this point ad appreciate it.nway exams will hopefully be over this week,which is a good thing yet it also means dealing with stuff which am not sure am prepared to do.i think av become a boy in that i compartmentalize things in my head.

one of my friends,at school, believes that i have a weird ritual of grieving for things before they occur so that by the time they occur am ready to deal with them and dont feel so bad...i dont think its weird cz it works for me...by the time my friend was leaving i had dealt with it early in the year that it dint even affect me much....it suprised me when a few days ago i was standing in myroom looking outside at the rain...when i realised that i really really missed her...i mean it wa sthe first time i had really had that feeling that i really wanted her near me at that particular second to understand whatever iwas thinking or the questions i had bila having to explain myself....
wheni wrote the send entry in july....i was in a stage of my life where i just felt lost....especially spiritually.It like i was in a desert and God had dweserted me or so i thought....everything dint make sense and too much was happening in my life and around me...and NO ONE UNDERSTOOD...so i jsut withdrew form evryone....there were times i almost if not actually HATED friends......since there was a rational part of me that knew it was illogical...i kept my distance or just dint talk about it....i mean who can understand that....one of my friends said how i had become so cold and hard etc....below are some entries from yet another different blog(yap i have enough blogs all over the net!)....Jul 30, 2007 7:35 AM
THERE IS SO MUCH RAGE IN ME THAT WHEN I DO BOTHER TO THINK ABOUT IT,I FIND MYSELF ABIT SCARED CZ ITS NOT HEALTHY OR EVEN SAFE TO HAVE THIS AMOUNT OF RAGE INSIDE.I THOT IT WAS ONLY DIRECTED AT MY FOLKS BUT EVEN MY CLOSEST PALS SEEM TO TICK ME OFF AT THE SLIGHTEST THING.AM SO DISCONTENT AND IN A PHASE THAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF.LORD I NEED YOU CZ I DONT KNOW WHAT AM TURNING INTO,ANGER KILLS AS I KNOW.
Jul 30, 2007 7:49 AM
there is this sadness in me that is masked by rage,am at work and am near tears and it doesnt hel that some stupid song is playing,what have i become,the song says"am so hollow" well thats how i feel,i feel so many things that i dnt know how to filter each and even begin to identify each emotion,there is a book that i read that said that there is no worse feeling than feeling lonely when you have every reason not to,like when ur surrounded by people yet you feel so alone.who am i?who am i?where am i headed?is a better day amyth or is it true is it a figment of my imagination sth i dream up to comfort myself?to console myself/reassure myself?does it really get better?what is better/who defines better?what if it doesnt then what?what happens when we voice our fears?who wrote the unwritten rule that we are supposed to appear that we have it all together even when inside we are in pieces?why am in this season?when am i getting out?what am i supposed to learn?Lord dont ever give up on me,even when i give up on myself,even when hope seems so far and so unreal,help me hang on for without hope what is life's worth,even in the midst of an ambush of deceit Lord help me remember ur truth even if its one basic truth that You love me and WILL NEVER FORSAKE ME.fight for me for a battle rages that i do not have the strength to wage .


its just amazing..i can now look back that God was preparing me for awesome stuff and the chaff had to come out....it had to be weeded out...and i had to learn total dependence on God.....without my friends or family....i have really matured and grown strong..not by my own choice in most cases but rather in letting go and allowing God to be Lord....yaani.....sadly also i have become very independent in away that hampers my friendships...i do still need my friends but i also find myself so used to being me&God that i am relearning communication.....last year i was taught resilience patience surrender and humility....as i look at the leadership roles i am in and even my relationship with J i now know why.....there is so much i need to learn but i can look back and say God never forsook me...nor was He punishing me but rather i was being refined and i will continue to be refined.....

Today in my consumer protection class we discussed some article and the writer was asking whther the needs we have are our own or if they have neen structurally been imposed on us?food for thought?

yesterday as iwas walking with J as he was heading to get the vehicle back to naks....he started telling me about how his passion for bass guitar and how to him its a gifting.....from what i have heard he is REALLY GOOD.....BUT IT WAS THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE WHEN HE EXPLAINED that when he is playing and its a really nice piece of music....how its so good you dont whether to cry or to laugh...thats its a feeling in between.....theni asked myself later after we parted whther i have such a passion for anything? other than reading which i have been so awful at this year.....what else?

usually on sunday i get home late but since i dropped my sweetheart i dint feel like much activity so i got home early ate with my family then started reading tghis book called the wedding by Nicholas sparks,,,,,yaani that book touched my heart....i cant explain....it was about rediscovering love in your spouse...yaani it was beautiful and jsut as iw as thinking of talking to J he calls to tell me he loves me....that he would do anything to make me happy and that Daily He asks God to show Him how....i dont know how i dint cry....cz it was just awesome...he reminded me that over the weekend we had covered alot of milestones hence i shouldnt forget....that i was his woman and the spae was only for one.........he said he knew adversity was going to come to test our commitment...and i cut in to say true but thats why we were building the foundation,,,nway i jsut love taht man in a way that sometimes makes me cry...which is so ironical but sometimes only tears can express what i feel.

i really want to get a job and move out....but i want to live with a friend or two...cz living alone would be too much temptation truth be told.....but i so want a good job which will enable me to move out.

some people are just lifetime losers..i concluded last week and this weekend.....they just are,,,a gal can get away with being foolish but for a man to be a loser what hope is there for you?

i am watching one tree hill season 5 and its so different but as ever i so feel peyton.....i feel am experiencing transition drama when most of my pals went thru this last year...nway tahts life....

its finally starting to sink in that some fool stole all my savings and now when i neede the k...its bilaz.....

we are launching camp on 8th of June.....yaani this camp will really be the thing not to miss and i can alredy see some people missing it while they are still waiting to be katiwad to come...shock on them....

to end this long post...wheni went to naks i wa staken to this awesome ethiopian restraurant called KOBEB....and there was such nuice music playing by a chic called HAIMIE...she had launched her CD,,,HENCE THEY WERE ON SALE THOUGH SHE WASNT AROUND.......and J kept saying how he knows her and they have done musiv together etc....i so loved the place and the music.....on sato as iw as chilling for a tuktuk to take me home this chic...very pretty...started talking to me and after some time she told me her name was......HAIMIE!!!!the name is very distincitive so i asked her oif she sings she said yes...i asked her if she knew KOBEB in naks,,,,she said her family owns it!!! i asked her if she knew J? she did!!!!!!!i couldnt belive it...iwas so jazzed....she is so down to earth....as in she was so pleasant so i explained and we were talking like long lost sisters...she is 19years old but is so gifted,,,,she was staying with some family friends on FAITH AVENUE...next to our street...yaani its a small world..when we re just vibing J calls!!!si w3as there so excited telling him how Haimie si satinding next to me.....etc....yaani i am glad i met her...she is so saved its awesome...then later at night when i was listening to KUBAMBA...they kept saying tehy have a ission on sunday to starch-pango and among the artiste performing was HAIMIe!! yaani too much of a coincidence....i was so jazzed...well let me sign off..i ahve written enough to last a year