where do i start.....do i enumerate the countless ways that these past weeks and months have broken me..or should i attempt to paint a picture of the state of despair i have been slowly but surely falling into.....
I am of the school of thought that is is better to have no expectations rather than to have them and be disappointed......for indeed disappointment is an anathema to me...but more abhorrent is rejection..and so i strive not to give people the power of rejecting me in any way i can...even if it means not wanting the thing that would enable them reject me or disappointment...yet how can the same apply to GOD?......
I was reminded of a fundamental truth...that God is not moved by our need but by our faith...that may seem so cold.....especially when u reach a point where you have begged and reached a point where you are so desperate that all pride is thrown outside your person.....i hate to beg..yet begged i did.....not presuming that i deserve yet still relying on the fact that mercy is His trait.....and so each day i have lived in a state of part hopefulness that of course i will get that which i ask for..and part sinking feeling that am done for if i don't.....my life has been a life of faith....it has been the greatest gift my parents could ever give me....maybe unknowingly but it set into motion a life that just had to be one of faith.....faith in the sense that when i believe i believe with all that is in me,.,,and it does not matter what people say..or how it looks i believe and influence those around me.....yet in retrospect faith was a very minor ingredient in the weeks that have passed and so it was inevitable that when i crashed it would be a mighty crash....
It was not with anger that i approached God but despair.....it was physical ..fro my bones were week..it did not help that several circumstances had seemingly conspired to keep sending me the same message..yet when i look and judge everything fairly...there were an equal amount of encouragement....
I am in season when i am being taught patience and perseverance..and indeed both must finish their work in me before i proceed to the next stage......yet yesterday was a night of despair.....i wept and wept...as if a dam had been broken..one that had been accumulating with copious amounts of water..or is pain,disappointment and rejection....i wept not caring whether it was weak..or right or proper...i wept...for i could not stop myself..and did not have the inclination nor the desire to do so.....and when i was almost through i reached out to three of my support allies....why those three i will never know..yet it was the right decision...and even in that i went back God..for in him all things hold.....i did not go in anger..but in sincerity...stating how much hurt i was...ands how much i really thought my begging and sincere request would move him..yet even then..i acknowledged that HE WAS in control..and all His plans have always to do me good..he sees the whole picture......then the recollection of what he has promised me.....and my support system rallied in to remind me of truth...but most importantly to hold my hand....maybe not physically there....but rather where it counts..they let me be weak..and in so strengthened me...even today it has been a day to make me realize that relationship are worth gold.....for all else fails.....so on those dark dreary and rather stormy nights....do u have someone to hold your hand?..if u don't..then start holding someone's.....for in giving we receive