Divine creativity equals unusual me

2.  Patience does not mean waiting and doing nothing.

Patience involves productive activity.  It means doing your very best with the resources available to you, while understanding that the results you seek are worth the required time and effort, and not available elsewhere for any less time and effort.

Patience is the realization that the quality of your life is much more significant than the quantity of things you fill it with.  Patience is your willingness to accept and appreciate what you have right now, while you put forth a steady, focused effort into growing toward your dreams and goals.

So I have this question I like to ask people: “Who are you with when you like yourself the most?” It always gets a raised eyebrow and then people’s brows furrow and they pinch their chin and purse their lips. It takes them a few minutes to mention one or two people and they usually give lengthy reasons why. It seems like an odd question, so let me break it down: “At what times do you most like yourself?” When you’re in church and the singing is just right and your voice is soaring alongside the choir’s and you feel like you’re communing with God? When you’re at work and you finish your work ahead of schedule? When you’re giggling at a joke? “If you’re not alone at the times when you like yourself the most, who is the person you are usually with?” Is it your partner? Is it your pastor? Is it the guy who sells you weed?

 The first question was harder for me to answer as it ebbs and flows for me. The constant being when I am by myself. I am confident, I am unapologetically who I was meant to be , I am decisive, I am balanced in a sense. I feel I am also more efficient and effective in what I do when alone hence I like myself the most. The things I enjoy the most are more often things I do by myself be it reading, styling, hunting for a particular look, writing, music, or just being. The moments of perfect peace are weirdly those moments I am enjoying whatever I am doing with no need to be elsewhere. The who that is constant is me. The rest ebb and flow. My family I do admit are people I often take for granted but through the highs and lows the best moments are when we are either at peace united in laughing at one of us, or others, or just at ease with each other. The other side of the coin is how much support I derive from them regardless of the last fight, disagreement or whatever ill will we had. Last year was not a year I liked myself when I was with my family. It seemed taxing and borderline toxic at times and partly contributed to my need to create some space. The two years preceding that my family were one of my favourite people to be around, they made me feel valued and that I belonged. As I said it ebbs and flows so this year I expect it to be on a better footing.

When It comes to friends it also ebbs and flows. The two standouts from last year and these year are two close male friends of mine. One is here in Nairobi and another one is in another continent altogether but the one constant is how unequivocally myself I am whenever we talk or meet. I don't ever feel they have expectations of me that I cannot meet or decisions I make are up for discussion as to whether they meet some alleged standard. There's no pressure to maintain the friendships as we both put in as much as we expect. We have also more or else been going through similar life trajectories hence more common ground to relate I suppose. Mostly its effortless. I think i'm beginning to value effortless relationships as I age. Where two people meet each other where they are with no need to repair, advice, mend , mold and you take each other as enough. With these two people I never feel less than or too much. Our friendship is not an after thought but neither does it intrude on other significant relationships we may have .

I have several close female friendships and I could not imagine my life without them but as with instance of family they ebb and flow in terms of how at ease we are with each other. I think its to be expected and I realized it actually works for me. As extroverted as I am , I also have long periods where I withdraw into myself and my own life. I'm in that phase where I'm good with most of my close female friends but also kind of detached in some way that is hard to pen down. If I had to pick one in this year who when I'm with I like myself the most it would be my high school friend who was my room mate, now business partner but biggest cheerleader in this life to be unequivocally myself. She was the first person I had over at my house on the day I moved.

What if I all I want is a small, slow, simple life? What if I am most happy in the space of in between. Where calm lives. What if I am mediocre and choose to be at peace with that?The world is such a noisy place. Loud, haranguing voices lecturing me to hustle, to improve, build, strive, yearn, acquire, compete, and grasp for more. For bigger and better. Sacrifice sleep for productivity. Strive for excellence. Go big or go home. Have a huge impact in the world. Make your life count.
But what if I just don’t have it in me. What if all the striving for excellence leaves me sad, worn out, depleted. Drained of joy. Am I simply not enough?What if I never really amount to anything when I grow up – beyond mom and sister and wife. But these people in my primary circle of impact know they are loved and that I would choose them again, given the choice. Can this be enough?
What if I never build an orphanage in Africa but send bags of groceries to people here and there and support a couple of kids through sponsorship. What if I just offer the small gifts I have to the world and let that be enough.
What if I don’t want to write a cookbook or build a six figure business or speak before thousands. But I write because I have something to say and I invest in a small community of women I care about and encourage them to love and care for themselves well. Because bigger isn’t always better and the individual matters. She is enough.
What if I just accept this mediocre body of mine that is neither big nor small. Just in between. And I embrace that I have no desire to work for rock hard abs or 18% body fat. And I make peace with it and decide that when I lie on my deathbed I will never regret having just been me. Take me or leave me.
What if I am a mediocre home manager who rarely dusts and mostly maintains order and makes real food but sometimes buys pizza and who is horrified at moments by the utter mess in some areas of her home. Who loves to menu plan and budget but then breaks her own rules and pushes back against rigidity. Who doesn’t care about decorating and fancy things. Whose home is humble but safe.
What if I am not cut out for the frantic pace of this society and cannot even begin to keep up. And see so many others with what appears to be boundless energy and stamina but know that I need tons of solitude and calm, an abundance of rest, and swaths of unscheduled time in order to be healthy. Body, Spirit, Soul healthy. Am I enough?
What if I am too religious for some and not spiritual enough for others. Non-evangelistic. Not bold enough. Yet willing to share in quiet ways, in genuine relationship, my deeply rooted faith. And my doubts and insecurities. This will have to be enough.
And if I have been married 21 years and love my husband more today than yesterday but have never had a fairy tale romance and break the “experts” marriage rules about doing a ton of activities together and having a bunch in common. And we don’t. And we like time apart and time together. Is our marriage good enough?
What if I am a mom who delights in her kids but needs time for herself and sometimes just wants to be first and doesn’t like to play but who hugs and affirms and supports her kids in their passions. A mediocre mom who can never live up to her own expectations of good enough, let alone yours.
What if I embrace my limitations and stop railing against them. Make peace with who I am and what I need and honor your right to do the same. Accept that all I really want is a small, slow, simple life. A mediocre life. A beautiful, quiet, gentle life. I think it is enough.
Krista xo