CAVEAT-This may get a tad bit too emotional for some of you…

 

The title is one of my favourite classic movies as Scarlett O’Hara is a dime. Yet it’s not movies I blog about today but rather to mark one in many milestones that has been this year. On 23^rd I turned twenty six as one of my friends said I am in the homerun of being in my mid-twenties. Of course I stuck out my tongue at such rubbish. In any case a couple of my friends were meeting up on Saturday night to celebrate my birthday. The event was to start from 8pm and sad to say I have been known to arrive after my guest at my own events hence I purposed to be ready to receive my guests. While running my Saturday errands( That requires another blog post…seeing as some people do not understand that concept)… I received a call more or less demanding that I should attend a send off party that very afternoon. The call was made at noon. The person making the call was what I would call a blast-from-the-not-too-recent-past. So this person’s family and close friends were very well known to me….but the distance to the party venue would require some major sacrifice on my part meaning I would have to even risk being terribly late for my own do…and I have to be honest that for some minutes I actually considered using quite a lot of money and a lot of time to go to this party as I had done in the past. It had been the norm that I would drop everything, change my plans or do whatever it took to do whatever this person asked me or what I perceived would enable me be with them or appear in good light in their eyes. What utter rubbish but which one of us can have the same foresight matching the hindsight experience gives us? I was not at peace with the decision as tug of war ensued in me. The part that had done this for most part of this year was warring against the part that was going against the grain in fighting for myself and moving on. Finally the part that was learning to love me above other people who did not even love me won. I let the person know that I would not be attending the do…It was freeing for it indicated to me that indeed the hold was over…There were months I would weep with shame, regret and despair at how helpless I felt. I would time and time again prioritize this person above all else including myself only to have them disappoint me and in turn make me wonder at my utter stupidity in allowing such abuse for I was my biggest perpetrator. There is no worse crippling feeling of doing not what you want to do but that which you do not want to do…and not knowing how to stop even though its killing you moment by moment. When you lose respect for yourself it does not matter how many people tell you how much they respect you…It is not the same..Self disgust personified

 

It’s been two months of freedom from the hold this person had over me….That Saturday marked the evidence of how truly gone they were from my heart…

 

As many know I read blogs upon blogs and below was an entry from a blog I discovered today and it said exactly what I feel. This is to you D…For the 5 years or so I have known you…You were one of my closest friends and one of the best…You treated me like I was treasured and valued and it did not matter who was in my life..I never doubted my place or value in your life. Those were the golden years and if anyone had given me a hint of what it meant to love you as more than a friend I would have chosen a different path…Loving you has been like shredding my own skin with a sharp razor and pouring salt over the wounds. No one should ever go through that…I wouldn’t even want to wish that on you….Finally I have reached a point I can honestly say I am over you and the pain. You are still my friend in that the good years count for something…but the innocence is gone…but finally the anger, the pain, the betrayal, the disillusionment, the despair, the emptiness…I lost a bit of my soul and a large part of me…but finally I found me again…But I sure Thank the Good Lord that you no longer reside in my heart….They say there is his story, her story and the TRUTH..WELL this is my story

 

I loved you and needed you…thought I would die without you… but it’s not there anymore.

All the hurt and pain I used to feel are not there anymore.

I have taken the key… put it back inside me, and locked you out of the door.

I feel the same… well not exactly the same… because it’s not there anymore.

I needed you then… but I do not now… because it’s not there anymore.