It's been a hard year.But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard.Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

thing was THE WORDS from that song really tell where i am....And it is a much better place...on sato went for alabastron i think for the past three or so weeks i have not been doing my assignments and if there are any thoughts about what we are told to think about..its been against my will..yet nonetheless i have found myself giving thought to stuff that i deliberately refused...yet i am Glad i worked out..sato's session was really good..we went till 230 in stead of 1130.....yaani but it was a sawa session..we all had to talk about the other man...the last time we talked about the other woman....for some its an actual person for others its an ideal they have set in their mind..even for some married ladies they have the other man...that was rally interesting...another interestinga cycle she taught us..how we create our environment....it starts with a thought which informs your speech which in turn inform your action then its repeated to form a habit which form a pattern and the pattern leads to your destiny..in that destiny your environment is created..a.nd full cycle your environment affect your thoughts.....its eerie..for example a chic keeps saying i dont a so and so man..eg a violent man or a player...etc..she keeps thinking it and soon all she ever says is how she doesnt want such a man...her speech will inform er action in actually hooking up with a violent man or a player..cz all the mind conscious or subconscious is getting is violent man..the i want or not want is not recognised..its what u are focusing on that it identifies..the action is repeated with several men..and soon its a habit...then a pattern in her life..leading to her destiny of marrying a violent man or a player....and the environment of voilence or infidelity is created..yaani...profound stuff.same theory applies with i dont want to be like my mother....etc....so she told us instead focus on what you want...keep thinking on what you want so that you will be talking about what you want and hence end up where you want..rather than where you dont want to be..in whatever area of your life...for me i should stop talking about how i dont want to practice law...so at that point we had to figure out what we want..some of us couldnt answer..so we have an assignment to think about what i want....that question scars me but i finally thought about it and journaled and waaaahh the stuff that chucked just amazed me..i am glad Laimani insisted we get journals..its a helpful tool..
The was also the issue of idealizing a situation or a person..meaning you fixate on a particular outcome and refusing to see any other outcome.
In OUR GROUPS WE HAD TO DISCUSS WHAT TRIGGERS OUR ADDICTIONS.addictions being the self imposed unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with baggage.Baggage is as result of another person's decision.indecision,action,inaction or words.Addictions are also false substitutes for real needs.So we all had to identify what triggers our addictions.then we had to state the cost of those addictions on ourselves,our family.our work,our friends.,our life etc.Each person had to d tis for themselves while th rest listen.We also each had to state what we need t stop doing to disempower these addictions and what we need to start doing to empower ourselves and th benefits which will accrue.
I think the fore retreat will rock...as in by now we have bonded and in as much as sometimes we all have our moments when we are rebelling against the whole process..we each want to get 100% from the program.

I think for me it was learning that my emotional tank is full here i am so confident tat i have fully let go of this man....only to be told that even when i talk..it just shows..my emotional tank is so full that it cannot allow another man room..its like i am fixated on just tis one man..i know or i hope i am not in love with him....i know sometimes the idea of me and him is strongly embedded in me..but that my tank is full that is still blowing me away...he has his person....i so do no want to be in this position..i want my tank completely empty of him....yaani sato i saw this super hot guy...and he was light and so yummy looking...now imagine if a miracle happened and we hook up and stuff went well....and down the line i cant commit as i should ati cz my emotional tank is filled up with this other man...eurghgggggggggggggggggggg...SO NOT WORKING FOR ME.....yaani i want him out of my system by whatever means necessary...I WANT HIM OUT.....God please hear me ....out...Some chic from the wed class was sharing..i really liked her..but anyhuuuu she was saying her story and it was kinda similar to mine..and fr her it was so serious..when th guy called her to say he was getting married she literally mourned him for like4months everyday waking up weeping...praying,fasting the whole works..ok that spooked me..this guy better leave my system sooonest cz i aint got time..but seriously its like loss..i rally felt for he...but she said eventually she hacked..God was faithful....
We also talked about the other man...for some its an actual person for others its an ideal..whether you are married or not.Laimani said something which i thought was important sh said when you get saved your spirit gets saved but your bod and soul doesnt that why you have to work on your soul.It is ever at war....and your soul is linked to the key to your purpose..so if you have soul issues it even impedes your communication with the Holy Spirit.