My friend lost her baby boy this week. A beautiful baby. This was so close home that the reality of it hasn't hit home. It doesn't make sense to most people but I keep saying 'it was their first child; their only child.' Its so tragic. Words fail me for in all honesty I can't say I get what my friend is going through and so yesterday I watched helplessly as she broke down as they lowered the body of her son who in one weeks time was to turn 1. In all this pain God is still sovereign...His mercies are still new each and every morning. All I could do was hug my friend for at times words are trite...
In an ideal world Jill would be able to sit across Jack and tell him all this, but we don't live in Utopia. So I will pass on Jill's message and Jack you may or may never get this. For the fun times, she is utterly grateful. The laughs and the silly talks were awesome. She told me 'Tell him I think he is awesome' she felt she could never tell you that herself,or that she likes you, or that she misses you. She said that it wasn't so much that she lacked courage to utter the words,but more to the instinct that warned her that some unspoken rule would be broken. You are so different from what she has known so far. That's a good thing but mostly it just frustrates her. While her bloke pals rush to open up to her, you are so closed up like a clam. She equates being a confidante to being valued and trusted, ergo her conclusion that she is of no value to you nor do you regard her as trustworthy. She said she heard you when talked as to the cause of your tendency to be closed up. She appreciates the fact that you told her and finally she is beginning to grasp the practical implication of that. More than anything she is truly sorry for pushing and pushing...her main drive was to spend more time with you and not to make you feel hounded and pressurized...it drove her insane trying to work out if you liked her and were interested in her...it hurt her that you did not seek her out or ever seem to miss her or actively plan to spend time with her...then she would recall the "walls" and that its not easy...and she empathized more than you would ever know...it was cool even when it wasn't ok...SHE WAS WAS THE ONE With EXPECTATIONS...Jill said that she was letting go of these expectations...it's a bit sad coz it meant closing the door to you jack...but not to you as her friend...so Jack hope you heard her, if she slips once in a while, its cool: it's never that serious...So said a wise woman.
I'm currently reading Empress Orchid by Anchee Min. I like her style of writing. I first encountered her when reading Katherine. Its amazing how both memoirs of a geisha and empress orchid raise a similar expectation yet are set in such vastly different countries. It challenges my preconcieved notion of the orient as a unit rather than the diverse amalgam that it is. A poem from Anchee Min's book struck a chord in me: Like a singing river, you break out to flow freely. I am the mountain behind; happily I watch you. Memory of us full and sweet
For one I have laughed till tears have chucked from my eyes…Thanks to Passive Aggressive Notes
1. MAD BOMBER Season one
2. MAD BOMBER Season two
3. MAD BOMBER Season three
A friend of mine once asked me if I am manic-depressed seeing as my moods change so easily…lol…Well I am not but I just realized that I should try and think of 26 things(Not in order of importance) I am either grateful about or I am currently into:
1. Good health
2. Memoirs of a Geisha
3. My family
4. Grooveshark
5. Sexy dresses
6. My housemate who listens to all my madness at home and at work
7. Saturday night hang outs at our apartments
8. Purpose Centre
9. Sangria
10. Vests
11. Boots
12. My room
13. My girls in and out of this country
14. Raggea Music
15. The bloggess
16. Verysmartbrothas
18. My boss and my crazy colleague
19. God helping me survive all the bad things this year
20. My attitude of not buying into the myth that I am old
21. Text messages
22. The internet
23. Vegetable stir-fry
24. Easter at the coast
25. The weekend getaway at Nyeri
26. My boys who really complicate my life but make me the girl that I am
I feel as if lately I have been posting really grey, emotional or heavy posts but it seems the season I’m in hence writing reflects that. Today has been a grey day…I am 26 and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. The thought petrifies me. Each day the fear increases exponentially. A friend bought me ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ which I devour daily and it makes me realize that this grown up business sucks!
Maybe I need a long break from work…
CAVEAT-This may get a tad bit too emotional for some of you…
The title is one of my favourite classic movies as Scarlett O’Hara is a dime. Yet it’s not movies I blog about today but rather to mark one in many milestones that has been this year. On 23rd I turned twenty six as one of my friends said I am in the homerun of being in my mid-twenties. Of course I stuck out my tongue at such rubbish. In any case a couple of my friends were meeting up on Saturday night to celebrate my birthday. The event was to start from 8pm and sad to say I have been known to arrive after my guest at my own events hence I purposed to be ready to receive my guests. While running my Saturday errands( That requires another blog post…seeing as some people do not understand that concept)… I received a call more or less demanding that I should attend a send off party that very afternoon. The call was made at noon. The person making the call was what I would call a blast-from-the-not-too-recent-past. So this person’s family and close friends were very well known to me….but the distance to the party venue would require some major sacrifice on my part meaning I would have to even risk being terribly late for my own do…and I have to be honest that for some minutes I actually considered using quite a lot of money and a lot of time to go to this party as I had done in the past. It had been the norm that I would drop everything, change my plans or do whatever it took to do whatever this person asked me or what I perceived would enable me be with them or appear in good light in their eyes. What utter rubbish but which one of us can have the same foresight matching the hindsight experience gives us? I was not at peace with the decision as tug of war ensued in me. The part that had done this for most part of this year was warring against the part that was going against the grain in fighting for myself and moving on. Finally the part that was learning to love me above other people who did not even love me won. I let the person know that I would not be attending the do…It was freeing for it indicated to me that indeed the hold was over…There were months I would weep with shame, regret and despair at how helpless I felt. I would time and time again prioritize this person above all else including myself only to have them disappoint me and in turn make me wonder at my utter stupidity in allowing such abuse for I was my biggest perpetrator. There is no worse crippling feeling of doing not what you want to do but that which you do not want to do…and not knowing how to stop even though its killing you moment by moment. When you lose respect for yourself it does not matter how many people tell you how much they respect you…It is not the same..Self disgust personified
It’s been two months of freedom from the hold this person had over me….That Saturday marked the evidence of how truly gone they were from my heart…
As many know I read blogs upon blogs and below was an entry from a blog I discovered today and it said exactly what I feel. This is to you D…For the 5 years or so I have known you…You were one of my closest friends and one of the best…You treated me like I was treasured and valued and it did not matter who was in my life..I never doubted my place or value in your life. Those were the golden years and if anyone had given me a hint of what it meant to love you as more than a friend I would have chosen a different path…Loving you has been like shredding my own skin with a sharp razor and pouring salt over the wounds. No one should ever go through that…I wouldn’t even want to wish that on you….Finally I have reached a point I can honestly say I am over you and the pain. You are still my friend in that the good years count for something…but the innocence is gone…but finally the anger, the pain, the betrayal, the disillusionment, the despair, the emptiness…I lost a bit of my soul and a large part of me…but finally I found me again…But I sure Thank the Good Lord that you no longer reside in my heart….They say there is his story, her story and the TRUTH..WELL this is my story
I loved you and needed you…thought I would die without you… but it’s not there anymore.
All the hurt and pain I used to feel are not there anymore.
I have taken the key… put it back inside me, and locked you out of the door.
I feel the same… well not exactly the same… because it’s not there anymore.
I needed you then… but I do not now… because it’s not there anymore.
Unlike most of my peers, I am not hang up on age. Enough of my friends go around bemoaning the fact that we are old! Where they got this crazy idea only God knows. You would think we are senior citizens.
That said and done I am not excited about turning 26.I loved being 25! 26 sounds like some lackluster age with no umpf! I will probably be more excited about being 27 or 28.
This past year has been one of the toughest years. It started with partying but for a majority of it was filled with pain in my life. Yet it’s also the year that showed me the true meaning of tenacity and how sometimes holding on can be the strongest thing a person can do. I have leant what strength of character means but most of all you can never do it alone…
I have changed a great deal. I experienced what it means to love and suffer for it. Indeed in one of my journals I once wrote that there is nothing worse than giving the right thing to the wrong person. I spent most of my life protecting my heart and when I did fully give it away I gave it to the very worst sort that I could choose…yet I celebrate the fact that today I can stand and say I survived what I could never imagine surviving.
I am probably not where I feel I need to be in terms of the goals I set out for myself but I applaud the distance I have come and all I can do is to refuse to buy into the lie that the ebst ahs come and gone. As I always say the best is yet to come yet each year I get a bit a jaded sadly.
Tomorrow I turn 26.I FEEL NOTHING.
To Techboy; The lyrics say it all
Lyrics to Impossible : Christina Aguilera
(feat. Alicia Keys)
Play something for me Alicia...
I just got something on my mind
Alicia: Speak on it girl
It's impossible
It's impossible to love you
If you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
If you're always hidin' from me
I don't know what hurt you
I just, I wanna make it right
Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you makin' it this way
Impossible to make it easy
If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard
How can I, how can I give you all my love, baby
If you're always, always puttin' up your guard
This is not a circus
Don't you play me for a clown
How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you keep treating me this way
Over, over (over and over)
Impossible baby (impossible, impossible)
If you makin' it this way, this way
Oh baby, it's impossible
If you makin' it this way
Loneliness has become like the fog over a mountain. Heavy and clinging. Respite found only when the sun is at it's hottest and even then it is with the knowledge that soon it will come back with the tenacity of a guest who has overstayed the welcome he never received. Loneliness must be male; surely a woman would not be so biting. It shames me that I am lonely. It is not that I lack friends or family, rather my heart is lonely. It longs to be cherished and protected. I feel sick and tired of accepting crumbs swept off banquet tables. I long to be part of the revelry. So on this Sunday afternoon I admit that I am lonely. Incidentally I feel that I am losing one of my friends. He is not going away but in some ways that count, he is more or less gone. Its the way of life. He has his person so now my significance reduces. I don't want him but his situation seems to magnify the stark reality that is my lonely life... Maybe the sun will shine soon for in my inner being the embers of hope of finding my person are almost snuffed out. For now the brief respite is what I await...