Divine creativity equals unusual me

THE CIVIL WARS  "Poison & Wine"


You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will [x7]
I always will [x5]

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something




Read more: A Great Big World - Say Something Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Today is a good day and the week started well. I saw a petroleum job advert that may be a good fit for me.  I applied for it and it just gave me a positive energy. I levelled with this guy who initially I thought could be a prospect. I am just not that attracted to him to overlook these irritating things he keeps doing. We were to meet after my exams but I just can't stand it any more. I was very polite and respectful. I  don't think it has really hit him but I feel relieved. The are two songs from Rebecca Ferguson whose lyrics just caught my attention even as I was reading for my paper: Fighting suspicions and Wonderful world

1. Fighting Suspicions

Isn’t it amazing what a lonely heart will have you do
Just when you think you’re getting wiser
Somebody comes along, and you’re stuck like glue
Isn’t it amazing what a lonely heart will have you do

He lays my flaws before me
He says I’m blind I can’t see
He makes me feel unworthy
Shapes the rules, I’m a fool if I take the lead

But tell me someone who never lied to themselves
Who never ran through hell, just to find love
Just to hold love
And it wasn’t enough, it’s amazing
So amazing

Fighting suspicions, lady's intuitions
Why, I don’t need it, 'cause it’s not what I want to hear
So I put you on my altar, crown you like a sultan
And praise you for every lie that drips from your lips

Fighting suspicions, lady's intuitions
Why, I don’t need it, no it’s not what I want to hear
So I put you on my altar, crown you like a sultan
And praise you for every lie that drips from your lips

What would you do, what would you do?
What would you do?
Wasn’t enough, it’s amazing
So amazing,

Fighting suspicions, lady's intuitions
Why, I don’t need it, 'cause it’s not what I want to hear
So I put you on my altar, crown you like a sultan
And praise you for every lie that drips from your lips

And he pulls you down, he pulls you down

Isn’t it amazing what a lonely heart will have you do
Just when you think you’re getting wiser
Somebody comes along and you’re stuck like glue
Isn’t it amazing what my lonely heart will have me do.

2. Wonderful Life

(Verse)
I act like it’s not cold, it’s warm
Take back my curtains that have been drawn
Pretend all my bills have been paid
They’ve been okay for days

(Verse)
I smile through the door
Don’t worry about any storm
Not everyone will love me
But I’m not scared to try

(Chorus)
And I dream of a better life
And I’ll find what makes me smile
I’m not there but give me time
Let me say that, let it float through my hurt
Found a good worth day and I’m digging through my dirt
And I’m watching as the colors light the earth
Thinkin what a wonderful world
Yea, thinkin what a wonderful world

(Verse)
Scrape off my head, I don’t mess it
Black mascara from my eyes
Put on my brave face
The kind that tells I’m alright

(Verse)
I laugh when they’re not near
‘Cause I know the truth
Not everyone will love me
But I’m not scared to try

(Chorus x2)
‘Cause I dream of a better life
And I’ll find what makes me smile
I’m not there but give me time
Let me say that, let it float through my hurt
Found a good worth day and I’m digging through my dirt
And I’m watching as the colors light the earth
Thinkin what a wonderful world
Yea, thinkin what a wonderful world

I’m in a wonderful world

Samuel's reaction on seeing Eliab was my reaction on meeting H at the beginning of this year . My heart leaped and felt that surely this is the man I get to know and eventually build something meaningful with. Surely God has sent him to me. I prayed when I met him and I prayed when I felt he was becoming important to me. I prayed when I got scared that I could fall for him and he could hurt me. I prayed when we disagreed no matter how trivial, the disagreement would be. I prayed that God would teach me how to love him as he deserved to be loved as I also prayed that God would teach him how to love me as I needed to be loved. I fearfully prayed that if he was not meant to be in my life then God would take him from my life.

Again like Samuel I used my limited human eyes and mind to conclude that sure this is he. Yesterday at that reception it was like God was whispering to me, 'beloved, let it go. Let him go. He was not the best thing to happen to you. I see beyond what your human heart and mind can conceive. I look at who a person really is and that true element of who they are is not hidden from me' God was reminding me that never has He forsaken me or stopped being on my team. The next verses go on to detail one brother after another being presented yet not being the one chosen. God is reminding me to be patient and trust the process

I honestly believe that God knows me better than I know myself . He knows those deep seated desires that I cannot even dare articulate . So yeah I may have to meet several non-starters or not, regardless of that fact, the lesson in all that is to trust that I have entrusted my hearts desires and dreams to Him. He is faithful to keep that treasure for that day he has appointed. It will be well. I seem to have lost that hope and belief. I will get it back. That joy of life and belief that life is indeed good. The sun will shine again. Most days I am surprisingly okay and all engrossed with other aspects of my life. Some days are indeed like that but morning does come so it is okay

This is a post to remind myself that being vulnerable and open is something to be celebrated rather than met with shame even when another person doesn't respect or honor that via their actions or words

I had five months with this guy and I thought we had something special. Apparently I was wrong seeing as he stopped communication for no apparent reason. Closure is not a right; something I learnt in my twenties. No one owes you closure and the best thing is to pick yourself and move one. I am doing that daily. Daily my friend, and there are days it seems its every minute as my mind replays everything. I have so many questions but I must silence those questions. Then there are days I miss him so terribly and feel so bad for doing so. Then anger, sadness and despair. It's all part of letting go of us.

I will be well. I know that. I will be well. A part of me is more than hurt. I am angry that you cheapened five months . I love music specifically 90's music so while jogging yesterday this song came on and the lyrics are kinda applicable:

BRANDY LYRICS
"What About Us"


Why don't you return my calls?
Why you trip out where I be?
You don't ever come to see me
You say that you're too busy (what?)

What the hell?
I don't have time
Why you messin' with my mind?
I can find another guy
Someone who will treat me right

I don't need this bullshit
I won't put up with it, any longer
You can, go if you want
I don't, need you pity
I will, be just fine
If you decide, that you want to leave
Close the, door behind you
I just, want to know what...

What about all of the
Things that you say
What about all of the
Promises that you made
What about all of the
Nights that you gave
What about all of the
Things you told me
What about all of the
Things that you say
What about all of the
Promises that you made
What about all of the
Nights that you gave
What about, what about
What about us? What about us, us?
What about us? What about us, us?

I thought you said you were different
Was that what I heard you say?
Said that you'd love only me
Thought that you'd be all I need (what?)
What happened to promises?
Said that you were a better man
Your words have no way with me
Cause you're counterfeit, I see

I don't need this bullshit
I won't put up with it, any longer
You can, go if you want
I don't, need you pity
I will, be just fine
If you decide, that you want to leave
Close the, door behind you
I just, want to know what...

What about all of the
Things that you say
What about all of the
Promises that you made
What about all of the
Nights that you gave
What about all of the
Things you told me
What about all of the
Things that you say
What about all of the
Promises that you made
What about all of the
Nights that you gave
What about, what about
What about us? What about us, us?
What about us? What about us, us?

I cannot believe that I used to write and i seemed to have forgotten how to.....out of neglect....SO YEAH MY LIFE IS A MESS....AGAIN

unemployed.

AGAIN.

Three men have managed to stand me up the past few weeks. Three men who were allegedly hotly pursuing me.

Steve.

Robert

Mucheru

I am sick of it.


and yes i somehow slapped my friend at my party...


obviously I am a well adjusted individual...NOT

[Verse 1]
My mind runs away to you
With a thought I hope you'll see
Can't see where it's wandered to
But I know where it wants to be

[Pre-Chorus]
I'm waiting patiently
Though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy
And I wanted you to know that

[Chorus]
You're the one, designed for me
A distant stranger, that I will complete
I know you're out there, we're meant to be
So keep your head up, and make it to me

[Verse 2]
So sick of this lonely air
It seems such a waste of breath
So much that I need to share
So much to get off my chest

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

[Outro]
And make it to me
And make it to me
And make it to me
And make it to me

LYRICS:

I need someone that I'll look to 
In the lonely hour
That we all go through 
To give me comfort 
And love me through 
In the lonely hour
I need you
I need you 
I need you

I don't need diamonds
I don't need jewels 
No amount of riches will cover up these blues 
I don't need suggestions on how to start anew 
In the lonely hour I need you 
There's nothing I can do
I'm hopeless without you

It's a lonesome point of view 
And there's a wistful silence in an empty room 
These other voices they don't cut through 
In the lonely hour I need you
I need you 
And I need you 
I need someone that I'll look to
In the lonely hour I need you
I need you

I have broken up with you a million times........all in my head. You don't know how many times we have been in the middle of conversation and I have been in the cusp of uttering those words only to hesitate or wait till its too late...till we start those three hour or five hour conversation that span the breadth of the inane to important.  Apart of me is so used to this non-relationship with its bizarre rituals and habits that I fear despite wanting to end it, I will end up caving in and asking to get back to it but my sanity and pride cannot take that.
I suspect this post is also another delaying tactic. A friend confronted me in December, he said I was hiding myself in this situation so as not to deal with a person right here. I did know that a part of me loves doing that, I get the emotional intimacy without dealing with other aspects of a relationship. Your being so physically far from me was actually a plus when all this started mid last year.

I thought I could put into paper what these six months have been hell I even had a temporary tattoo of your name on my neck! hahahaha I can never regret that but I am kinda over playing fake non-relationship. I am not in love with you and I am pretty sure you are similarly not in love with me and honestly that is a good thing coz it would make this messy. I once told you that we reconnected and after months of being in this bleh and non-creative phase, I just started doing more projects. You were like a creative locksmith! Haha. I am grateful, I needed that relaxed easy space that you and I created but like all stages of life, its time to get back to work.
 For the first time in a long time I know and feel ready, I feel ready for a proper relationship. I feel ready to let in someone and to build something together. I want the full breadth of intimacy, everything that scares me about it, I am ready to share who I am, the good and the ugly, similarly I am ready to deal with someone's else good and ugly, someone ready and willing to put in a corresponding amount as I am putting in. Perhaps because finally I can see my life taking shape no matter how hazily, but I have a fair idea of how and where I'm headed. More than that I have made peace with who I am, I like me and I accept and love me enough to be honest to that truth.

So for all the laughs, listening ear, shared confidences, crazy ass intelligent conversations and all that, thank you! I doubt we will ever stop being friends but I just need time to fully move out of this phase. Every time a dude asks me out I am faced with this dilemma, I know I am not in a relationship yet we have this 'fantasy' which makes me pause, loyalty to that and loyalty to myself in that what about my future plans. I have said no to so many but the few I said yes to, were obviously doomed not to progress further because my mind and emotions were partially occupied elsewhere. I seem not to know how to have my cake while still eating it. I finally have to do right by me. One of my closest couple friends celebrated their first year anniversary. I was one of their witnesses in the wedding last year and I look at how they are each others person and its not so much the marriage that tags at my heart as much as the fact that each know the other person has their back . The companionship is what calls out to me because that is what I want. My other close friend sent me an email reminding me of how far we have come from age 11 when we first met to now she is planning her wedding in August and asking me to be her best maid. Again its not the wedding that tags at my heart but the fact that she has her person to share this journey called life. I have friends and family who love me abundantly but I want my own person. A third example is one of my other closest friends who lives in another country but who I talk to if not daily but every other day. Two weeks ago he informed me of how on a random work trip he met this girl who they somehow connected and despite the many miles between them, they are trying to make it work.  I was obviously so happy for him and all but a part of me was also a bit sad as I felt like we  have always been in the same boat, trying to just carve our future while waiting the proper time and person for a relationship. That aside, yeah perhaps a tiny bit if peer pressure but mostly its me. I must do my part to be open to opportunities and not self sabotage. This is probably more a letter to myself than to you.

So long  DKNY,....Anya