I'm currently reading Empress Orchid by Anchee Min. I like her style of writing. I first encountered her when reading Katherine. Its amazing how both memoirs of a geisha and empress orchid raise a similar expectation yet are set in such vastly different countries. It challenges my preconcieved notion of the orient as a unit rather than the diverse amalgam that it is. A poem from Anchee Min's book struck a chord in me: Like a singing river, you break out to flow freely. I am the mountain behind; happily I watch you. Memory of us full and sweet
For one I have laughed till tears have chucked from my eyes…Thanks to Passive Aggressive Notes
1. MAD BOMBER Season one
2. MAD BOMBER Season two
3. MAD BOMBER Season three
A friend of mine once asked me if I am manic-depressed seeing as my moods change so easily…lol…Well I am not but I just realized that I should try and think of 26 things(Not in order of importance) I am either grateful about or I am currently into:
1. Good health
2. Memoirs of a Geisha
3. My family
4. Grooveshark
5. Sexy dresses
6. My housemate who listens to all my madness at home and at work
7. Saturday night hang outs at our apartments
8. Purpose Centre
9. Sangria
10. Vests
11. Boots
12. My room
13. My girls in and out of this country
14. Raggea Music
15. The bloggess
16. Verysmartbrothas
18. My boss and my crazy colleague
19. God helping me survive all the bad things this year
20. My attitude of not buying into the myth that I am old
21. Text messages
22. The internet
23. Vegetable stir-fry
24. Easter at the coast
25. The weekend getaway at Nyeri
26. My boys who really complicate my life but make me the girl that I am
I feel as if lately I have been posting really grey, emotional or heavy posts but it seems the season I’m in hence writing reflects that. Today has been a grey day…I am 26 and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. The thought petrifies me. Each day the fear increases exponentially. A friend bought me ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ which I devour daily and it makes me realize that this grown up business sucks!
Maybe I need a long break from work…
CAVEAT-This may get a tad bit too emotional for some of you…
The title is one of my favourite classic movies as Scarlett O’Hara is a dime. Yet it’s not movies I blog about today but rather to mark one in many milestones that has been this year. On 23rd I turned twenty six as one of my friends said I am in the homerun of being in my mid-twenties. Of course I stuck out my tongue at such rubbish. In any case a couple of my friends were meeting up on Saturday night to celebrate my birthday. The event was to start from 8pm and sad to say I have been known to arrive after my guest at my own events hence I purposed to be ready to receive my guests. While running my Saturday errands( That requires another blog post…seeing as some people do not understand that concept)… I received a call more or less demanding that I should attend a send off party that very afternoon. The call was made at noon. The person making the call was what I would call a blast-from-the-not-too-recent-past. So this person’s family and close friends were very well known to me….but the distance to the party venue would require some major sacrifice on my part meaning I would have to even risk being terribly late for my own do…and I have to be honest that for some minutes I actually considered using quite a lot of money and a lot of time to go to this party as I had done in the past. It had been the norm that I would drop everything, change my plans or do whatever it took to do whatever this person asked me or what I perceived would enable me be with them or appear in good light in their eyes. What utter rubbish but which one of us can have the same foresight matching the hindsight experience gives us? I was not at peace with the decision as tug of war ensued in me. The part that had done this for most part of this year was warring against the part that was going against the grain in fighting for myself and moving on. Finally the part that was learning to love me above other people who did not even love me won. I let the person know that I would not be attending the do…It was freeing for it indicated to me that indeed the hold was over…There were months I would weep with shame, regret and despair at how helpless I felt. I would time and time again prioritize this person above all else including myself only to have them disappoint me and in turn make me wonder at my utter stupidity in allowing such abuse for I was my biggest perpetrator. There is no worse crippling feeling of doing not what you want to do but that which you do not want to do…and not knowing how to stop even though its killing you moment by moment. When you lose respect for yourself it does not matter how many people tell you how much they respect you…It is not the same..Self disgust personified
It’s been two months of freedom from the hold this person had over me….That Saturday marked the evidence of how truly gone they were from my heart…
As many know I read blogs upon blogs and below was an entry from a blog I discovered today and it said exactly what I feel. This is to you D…For the 5 years or so I have known you…You were one of my closest friends and one of the best…You treated me like I was treasured and valued and it did not matter who was in my life..I never doubted my place or value in your life. Those were the golden years and if anyone had given me a hint of what it meant to love you as more than a friend I would have chosen a different path…Loving you has been like shredding my own skin with a sharp razor and pouring salt over the wounds. No one should ever go through that…I wouldn’t even want to wish that on you….Finally I have reached a point I can honestly say I am over you and the pain. You are still my friend in that the good years count for something…but the innocence is gone…but finally the anger, the pain, the betrayal, the disillusionment, the despair, the emptiness…I lost a bit of my soul and a large part of me…but finally I found me again…But I sure Thank the Good Lord that you no longer reside in my heart….They say there is his story, her story and the TRUTH..WELL this is my story
I loved you and needed you…thought I would die without you… but it’s not there anymore.
All the hurt and pain I used to feel are not there anymore.
I have taken the key… put it back inside me, and locked you out of the door.
I feel the same… well not exactly the same… because it’s not there anymore.
I needed you then… but I do not now… because it’s not there anymore.
Unlike most of my peers, I am not hang up on age. Enough of my friends go around bemoaning the fact that we are old! Where they got this crazy idea only God knows. You would think we are senior citizens.
That said and done I am not excited about turning 26.I loved being 25! 26 sounds like some lackluster age with no umpf! I will probably be more excited about being 27 or 28.
This past year has been one of the toughest years. It started with partying but for a majority of it was filled with pain in my life. Yet it’s also the year that showed me the true meaning of tenacity and how sometimes holding on can be the strongest thing a person can do. I have leant what strength of character means but most of all you can never do it alone…
I have changed a great deal. I experienced what it means to love and suffer for it. Indeed in one of my journals I once wrote that there is nothing worse than giving the right thing to the wrong person. I spent most of my life protecting my heart and when I did fully give it away I gave it to the very worst sort that I could choose…yet I celebrate the fact that today I can stand and say I survived what I could never imagine surviving.
I am probably not where I feel I need to be in terms of the goals I set out for myself but I applaud the distance I have come and all I can do is to refuse to buy into the lie that the ebst ahs come and gone. As I always say the best is yet to come yet each year I get a bit a jaded sadly.
Tomorrow I turn 26.I FEEL NOTHING.
To Techboy; The lyrics say it all
Lyrics to Impossible : Christina Aguilera
(feat. Alicia Keys)
Play something for me Alicia...
I just got something on my mind
Alicia: Speak on it girl
It's impossible
It's impossible to love you
If you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
If you're always hidin' from me
I don't know what hurt you
I just, I wanna make it right
Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you makin' it this way
Impossible to make it easy
If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard
How can I, how can I give you all my love, baby
If you're always, always puttin' up your guard
This is not a circus
Don't you play me for a clown
How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you keep treating me this way
Over, over (over and over)
Impossible baby (impossible, impossible)
If you makin' it this way, this way
Oh baby, it's impossible
If you makin' it this way
Loneliness has become like the fog over a mountain. Heavy and clinging. Respite found only when the sun is at it's hottest and even then it is with the knowledge that soon it will come back with the tenacity of a guest who has overstayed the welcome he never received. Loneliness must be male; surely a woman would not be so biting. It shames me that I am lonely. It is not that I lack friends or family, rather my heart is lonely. It longs to be cherished and protected. I feel sick and tired of accepting crumbs swept off banquet tables. I long to be part of the revelry. So on this Sunday afternoon I admit that I am lonely. Incidentally I feel that I am losing one of my friends. He is not going away but in some ways that count, he is more or less gone. Its the way of life. He has his person so now my significance reduces. I don't want him but his situation seems to magnify the stark reality that is my lonely life... Maybe the sun will shine soon for in my inner being the embers of hope of finding my person are almost snuffed out. For now the brief respite is what I await...
Below is an article which really inspired me and earns a spot in my blog
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - enough! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that Prince Charming and Cinderella don't live in the real world and that there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you.
And in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's okay.... (they are entitled to their own views and opinions!)
And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the
process...a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval. You
stop whining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or
didn't do for you) and you learn that often times the only thing you can
really count on is the unexpected....(sad but true)
You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say,
and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process... a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and, in the process... a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche, and that that much is really an illusion. So you begin to sift through all the stuff that you've held onto, believed in, trusted, lived...etc. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process... you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing and that if it quacks like a duck, it is a duck!!!
You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you also learn about love: How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. Beauty and intelligence are born of nature.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. And you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch... and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Speak positively into and about your life, regardless of how well or how bad it has been, you haven't lived it all yet!
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.
You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber of all time - FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. Feed your faith and your fears will fade.
And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes, bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.
You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. Its just life happening, everything happens for a reason and life has different seasons.
And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego and the tongue. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn that by our words, we can either heal or kill - choose life.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself... BY YOURSELF, and you make yourself a promise - to never betray yourself and to never ever to settle for less - in your life, in your relationships and in your friendships.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility - there'll always be one waiting...and so with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you live as best as you can, one day at a time!
When did you fall in love with hip-hop...
Brown sugar has been like one of my favourite movies for time unknown. I have watched it 16 times and can almost recount the scenes and the lines blindfolded. One of the questions Sydney asks and Dre later states is; “When Did you fall in love with Hip-hop?” I love hip-hop music, of all the genres of music it takes first place in my heart. I may not be as knowledgeable about it as I should be but it calls to me like no other genre of music. Music, from my childhood, was just another background prop in the stage that was my life; nothing conscious in what I listened or liked. In fact for a very opinionated person I had no opinion on music till my teenage years and even then it was based on doing what I needed to do to fit in with my peers. For the life of me I cannot identify one particular artiste that inspired me to love hip-hop music for its own worth rather than a currency to gain acceptance. The artistes that really grabbed me by the horn were: Tupac Shakur, DMX, Xhibit, Missy Elliot, Red Man and Method Man, Da brat, Lost boyz, Mc Lyte, Run DMC, Nas, Dre,,,,YES the 90’s is the real Era of Hip-hop …at least for me.lol
Gangster Paradise was the first hip-hop song I could recount each and every word …and for some bizarre reason made me feel like I was part of some community by just listening and loving that music. I was 13years old and 13years later I still think that song is off the hook. My relationship with Tupac started as a hate/contempt as I saw his picture and for the life of me I could not explain why I felt they way I did. I heard Biggie’s Mo money more problem way before I my ears ever had the honour of hearing any of Makaveli’s songs and boy did I regret the years I wasted hating on Tupac without really appreciating his music. To this day there is no rapper who can drop like Tupac did. He kills it in ways that most artistes only dreams of. For a while I was convinced dude couldn’t have died it was all a hoax and some big conspiracy and would go on rants to defend my silly beliefs. Brown sugar has a quote that I adore to this day: What is the difference between rap and hip-hop? like the difference between saying you love somebody and being IN love with somebody. Rap is just a word!
Yet the precise moment in time when I committed to hip hop would be when I bought my first album: And there was X-DMX. I was in high school and my family had mom and pop shop. I would be the person selling goods all day while my parents rationalized that it would give me enough time to read. It is a painfully boring and in my mind torturous job. Morning and evening were the peak times but during the day one could die of boredom if not the frustration a teenager feels in more or less being locked up while her peers were free to do what they wanted. I rarely stay bitter or negative for long hence I had to get an outlet or an escape if you will. Books for m an early age were a refuge and an escape but music came very close second. That holiday while sitting in that shop DMX must have rapped and sang till our neighbours must have felt they were intimately acquainted with him but Fall in love I did for when the music was on..I did not feel imprisoned or powerless to change what was an almost unbearable situation but rather free.
One day I amy read all these and be disturbed but hip-hop as a genre has no rival in my eyes….and make no mistake I am not talking about the drivel that is currently being produced and labeled crank or whatever..for that is NOT HIPHOP…but that is another conversation for another day…So when did YOU fall in love with HIPHOP?
