This is a very hard post for me to write as I'm experiencing a varied range of emotions that are not comfortable. A large part of it is shame. It amazes me how finance is one of my major areas of training yet my personal financial story is one that just makes me feel ashamed, uncomfortable, nervous and all sorts. My relationship with money is so awful that I hate talking about money and shy away from reading on it. One of the main thing that I  keep seeing as a block to growth in my dreams is my relationship with money. You cannot solve what you refuse to confront.

In summary I would say three main issues: I have a very warped view of money, zero saving habit and living beyond my means.

This is just so hard but I have to. I have been saying how I am ready for a serious relationship but deep in my heart I know that one of my biggest reluctance to the whole marriage idea is the inadequacy I feel in terms of my financial status. I don't just mean the amount of money but what I bring to the table. My savings are laughable like I can't even call them that. I have bad spending habits and its this one dark thing that touches on so much. I don't want to turn into this uber miserly person but I do want financial freedom. Money is usually the number one reason I worry.

This month has been one of the toughest months this year and like eighty percent of it was due to money.  Today I woke up and started reading blogs as I occasionally do on Fridays and it lead me to  a blog dealing with financial independence then another. To cut a long story short, I actually read up on almost 8 blogs with over fifteen articles. I'm a doer and from all that reading I got some tips to begin my journey; very tiny baby steps but I feel quite positive I can stick it this time.

Safaricom introduced a service called Mshwari which for some bizarre reason I totally dismissed or ignored. I have no idea why but a few weeks back I saw, on tweeter, a friend talking to the customer service to sort his mshwari account. It got my attention but I quickly forgot it. Today while reading all these articles it hit me how Mshwari could be a tool to help me in saving. So many of my clients pay me via Mpesa and I do so many transactions via my phone so what if I could save every time any money comes in via Mpesa. It doesn't have to be crazy huge amounts but I could actually do it. I for one have been saying all churches should get Mpesa paybill numbers as it would make my tithing much easier. If the corrupt one want to steal, that is between trhem and God but let the rest of us fully utilize technology to make our lives streamlined.

Adam Baker from ManvsDebt introduced me to Dave Ramsey's envelope system. It seems really backward and simple but at this point I have to take whatever can work for me and the simpler it is the better. I tried the spreadsheet method and that did not last.  Below is Adam Baker's summary of it:

Action #8: Use Cash Envelopes for Food, Clothing, “Blow Money” (20 minutes)

Simple steps:

1. Pick your spending limits - For the categories “Food”, “Clothing”, and “Blow Money” (guilt-free entertainment) – pick a maximum amount you are willing to spend over the next 30 days.
2. Stop by your bank and withdraw cash - Of course, the cash is equal to the combined limits you set for the three categories.
3. Stuff envelopes with the cash - Get out 3 envelopes. Write the name of the category on the outside, and stuff the appropriate cash inside the envelope.
4. Pay with cash – For the next 30 days, anytime you want something in that category – you’ll pull out your envelope and pay with cold, hard cash. Yes, I’m serious. You don’t have to carry them around at all times. When you go to the grocery store – take your Food envelope. Again, this isn’t rocket science.

How this can change your life: There is no budgeting trick or technique that is more powerful than going to pay for $60 in groceries and only having $45 in the envelope. I promise, the first time you put back $15 in items – your commitment to budgeting will never ever be the same.

 I am coming up with a budget and I will start tracking all my purchases on a daily basis.

 That is all I can write today but this blog and my journal will be my accountability as I really don't want to be discussing this with my friends. I am committed to following through with this even if strangers on the internet get to read my journey