These past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. Most of it water under the bridge but over the weekend I spent quite some time with one of my close friends who had being going through some pretty dark times. In any case he is much better and he shared some home truths with me. Going through what he went through forced him to evaluate his life and be brutally honest with himself and in turn made him be honest with others. One of the things that came out was how my biggest hindrance and/or weakness is my predilection to very intelligent men but who are emotionally 'ambiguous' his words not mine. I would actually say emotionally unavailable and since this friend knows me and my family, he was like much as I hate it, my relationship with my father does come to play. I hate the whole my life is my mess and my folks are to blame feeling its a cop out but I do agree with him that one of my biggest hindrances are the men I choose to let into my life and how I relate to them. He was of the opinion that till I stopped idolizing my father and admit that he has done shitty stuff and stop always stating how the best of me is due to him then I can't move on .Anyway this was a long discussion and that is not my reason for blogging today seeing as I also told him that I have both parents issues seeing as most of my life I've had a cold, unaffectionate, demanding and performance oriented mother which to my thinking has affected me much worse than my father's infidelity.

As I said I hate cop outs but as someone said, Love is a need not a want. Home is where you first learn how to love and its where your most basic need of affirmation should be fulfilled and if it is not, You walk around with this hole despite your best effort; you were created to be loved, affirmed and appreciated . If that does not occur, somethings will not work as they should. The lenses through which you will view the world and relate to others will be obscured and twisted; despite your best effort!! Aaaargghh!That is a painful truth. I hate being labelled a victim and despite anything I've gone through in my twenty eight years on earth, I've never seen myself as a victim and I'm actually repelled by that term. I don't believe that once things happen to you that you are stuck forever in that state or definition. Hence my constant rebellion against pigeonholes that society would attempt to stick me into. Catching up with my friend was amazing as I could see his life was on an upward trajectory and he was reaching for the sun and I was a bit envious for indeed this whole year has been amazing yet also frustrating for me in that I've felt at times stuck. like I would start on paths and each time have doors shut and over and over again , I would  wonder what I'm not doing to get to the next level. I have so many dreams, plans and aspirations. I believe my going to Europe is pivotal to those plans yet its like I have feet of clay and for the life of me cannot get away!!!!!!! It is excruciatingly frustrating. I think sometimes that frustration clouds the simple joy of living my dream of doing fashion. The tiny but oh so significant growth I've made in my skills and trade. The sheer courage it has taken to pursue my dream against so much opposition. He reminded me that I inspired him to be a free spirit. That in living that other life and following my dream AND actually being happy doing it, is something to write home about. I went home so deep in thought. I cancelled all plans and stayed home thinking what I needed to do to get beyond this hindrance. I'm a doer and don't just sit down accepting the status quo.

While contemplating my life I recalled a blogpost earlier in the week which had also made me think about my life and actually depressed me. It was at one of my favorite blogs Very Smart brothas. The comments were actually informative. I'm not a Lil Wayne Fan though surprisingly I actually do like his song 'how to love' which formed the reference of the discussion. I read the caption below and felt it to my bone how true those words were

We’re treated to the entire lifespan of a child who turns into a girl who turns into a woman searching for love or something and constantly finding some semblance of it in all the wrong places. Which, let’s be real, is the crux of the whole single black woman trance and fascination that has taken over America. Nearly every story that we get from women revolves around some bad choices. Of course, those bad choices were crafted well before the young woman even knew she’d be in a position to make them because she never learned…how to love. In this video, the girl’s entire life was filled with a mother spending her time dealing with no good men because she just…didn’t know how not to.
That’s such an interesting concept to me. The truth is, it’s one of the most vital components to any of our lives. Without a paradigm on how to show affection and express love, its virtually impossible to know what constitutes actual caring. So many women and men spend their lives running after some elusive version of what love and happiness looks like, without even realizing that it actually is. You can blame some of the media for that but at the end of the day, even the richest of the rich struggles with sharing. Just being there for somebody everyday can set a positive trend.

Weezy is a joke as a person with children all over the states but to me that did not detract from the discussion. I believe in filtering things and taking only what makes sense to me and is beneficial to my life while throwing out the chaff. That day I was down for some reason but mostly it was because of the thoughts going through my mind wondering if I would forever walk with this 'deficiency' in me, whether I was forever destined to relate wrongly with other people just because in certain ways my parents did not relate well with me. So fast forward to a few days later and my friend brings home a few hard truths. My friend thinks I want to leave this country because of my father. I don't think that is the whole story. I love both my parents and and when the whole math is done, they have raised me fairly well and taught me valuable lessons. Without them I wouldn't be who I am. INTELLECTUALLY  I do know they love me, but where it matters most they failed me when it came to instilling in me a sense of value, acceptance and worth. That they failed miserably. Sadly we relate much better than ever but in some ways it is too late. My friend did raise a very vital point that till I have a very frank adult conversation with my father, I'm stuck. I've been meaning to have a conversation with my father from when I was in my second year in Campus when he first cheated on my mum. Somehow I never get the guts to do it. I used to be so close to my dad hence his betrayal was much worse to bear. I was used to my mum being who she was as much as it hurts. Once I moved out I've had confrontations with my mum where basically I call her out on some of the stuff she does that are hurtful and mean. It has in the long term improved our relationship not to the best friends level. That we will never be but at least its cordial. Yet I'm unable to call out my dad on the shit he does as my pal puts it. I think before I leave this country I must do it. For me. I refuse to walk around with this.

In my search for answers of how to get over mommy and daddy issues I came across a blog-post that has become like my mantra. My favorite part 'be incredibly fucking awesome all the time'. That is what I am doing. Being awesome all the time. I haven't done a serious blog post in like ages but you know what? The new busily awesome me just had to write an awesome post today :-). I'm working on having a fashion show and  a series of photo shoots before the year is out. See below for what inspired me:

So here are three simple steps for dealing with shittyness:

Deal with it, Move on
When you have something bad happen to you in life you have two basic choices: Dwell on it or move on and enjoy life.  The trick is choosing the latter 100% of the time.  I have spent hours of my life stressing about what I am going to do with my parents (as a child and adult) and at some point you have to realize living YOUR life is the priority.
It may sound shitty and perhaps a little selfish and over-simplified, but at some point you have to look out for number one – that’s you (and your wife/kids).  Stop thinking about your depressed mom and your shitty drug addicted father and move one.  Think about how beautiful the world is and explore it.  Think about the people you can help, that are in your situation, and help.  Make your dreams come true – it’s cliche’, but fuck it, I’ll say it again – make your dreams come true.
Metaphorically Punch your Parents in the Mouth for being so GODDAM SHITTY!
It’s okay to be a little angry at your parents.  If you are like me and dropped onto this earth for no apparent reason to unreasonably shitty parents who squandered every opportunity – I feel you.  Instead of yelling at them, arguing, hating them, and even the risk of physical violence to have your sweet, sweet revenge – don’t.
The best way to metaphorically punch your shitty parents in the mouth is to just be happy.  Ignore there issues and focus on your family.  The instant you could care less about their issues and you feel at ease – you’ve won.  Then revert to the bullet point above.  Be happy.

Be incredibly fucking Awesome!
Sorry for all the vulgarity, but let me just say I have found that the best way for me to knock off the dirty build up of life’s shittyness is to be incredibly fucking awesome all the time.  Yes, I’m serious.
Pursuing happiness and adventure with a passion, living life so damned hard that President Obama would do a speech on it after a stock market crash to console people who lost everything, to be so damned awesome that what other people are doing means shit to you.
Invent something, write a book, travel, have adventure, love, build, help, and do everything else you always wanted to do.
If you aren’t doing that – then look at your life and ask yourself what’s keeping you from it.