I have broken up with you a million times........all in my head. You don't know how many times we have been in the middle of conversation and I have been in the cusp of uttering those words only to hesitate or wait till its too late...till we start those three hour or five hour conversation that span the breadth of the inane to important.  Apart of me is so used to this non-relationship with its bizarre rituals and habits that I fear despite wanting to end it, I will end up caving in and asking to get back to it but my sanity and pride cannot take that.
I suspect this post is also another delaying tactic. A friend confronted me in December, he said I was hiding myself in this situation so as not to deal with a person right here. I did know that a part of me loves doing that, I get the emotional intimacy without dealing with other aspects of a relationship. Your being so physically far from me was actually a plus when all this started mid last year.

I thought I could put into paper what these six months have been hell I even had a temporary tattoo of your name on my neck! hahahaha I can never regret that but I am kinda over playing fake non-relationship. I am not in love with you and I am pretty sure you are similarly not in love with me and honestly that is a good thing coz it would make this messy. I once told you that we reconnected and after months of being in this bleh and non-creative phase, I just started doing more projects. You were like a creative locksmith! Haha. I am grateful, I needed that relaxed easy space that you and I created but like all stages of life, its time to get back to work.
 For the first time in a long time I know and feel ready, I feel ready for a proper relationship. I feel ready to let in someone and to build something together. I want the full breadth of intimacy, everything that scares me about it, I am ready to share who I am, the good and the ugly, similarly I am ready to deal with someone's else good and ugly, someone ready and willing to put in a corresponding amount as I am putting in. Perhaps because finally I can see my life taking shape no matter how hazily, but I have a fair idea of how and where I'm headed. More than that I have made peace with who I am, I like me and I accept and love me enough to be honest to that truth.

So for all the laughs, listening ear, shared confidences, crazy ass intelligent conversations and all that, thank you! I doubt we will ever stop being friends but I just need time to fully move out of this phase. Every time a dude asks me out I am faced with this dilemma, I know I am not in a relationship yet we have this 'fantasy' which makes me pause, loyalty to that and loyalty to myself in that what about my future plans. I have said no to so many but the few I said yes to, were obviously doomed not to progress further because my mind and emotions were partially occupied elsewhere. I seem not to know how to have my cake while still eating it. I finally have to do right by me. One of my closest couple friends celebrated their first year anniversary. I was one of their witnesses in the wedding last year and I look at how they are each others person and its not so much the marriage that tags at my heart as much as the fact that each know the other person has their back . The companionship is what calls out to me because that is what I want. My other close friend sent me an email reminding me of how far we have come from age 11 when we first met to now she is planning her wedding in August and asking me to be her best maid. Again its not the wedding that tags at my heart but the fact that she has her person to share this journey called life. I have friends and family who love me abundantly but I want my own person. A third example is one of my other closest friends who lives in another country but who I talk to if not daily but every other day. Two weeks ago he informed me of how on a random work trip he met this girl who they somehow connected and despite the many miles between them, they are trying to make it work.  I was obviously so happy for him and all but a part of me was also a bit sad as I felt like we  have always been in the same boat, trying to just carve our future while waiting the proper time and person for a relationship. That aside, yeah perhaps a tiny bit if peer pressure but mostly its me. I must do my part to be open to opportunities and not self sabotage. This is probably more a letter to myself than to you.

So long  DKNY,....Anya