I don't know....that's what I wrote as the title....

I am not sure anymore....

Dignity...that is what I was thinking about on the one hour drive from my class to town. It's usually a very short drive but for once I did not mind the traffic. Some stranger tried to talk to me but I did not speak to him. His voice and meaningless words were like some far off sound that had nothing to do with me.My stare straight ahead into some unseen scene must have scared him but I did not care. I was too busy listing the numerous ways i feel I've lost my dignity since I quit my job . I'm in a state of constant lack. I don't lack food, shelter or clothing. No. I am very well provided in those terms. It's the little things. The extra stuff that make life a joy to live and give you a sense of choice if not freedom even if just an illusion of the same. I don't go anywhere anymore. Once I missed several classes since my transport cost was more than what I had. My parents try though more often they give me just what is enough for my transport for a few days. It's not even their responsibility truth be told. At this age I should be fully supporting myself. That is not even my grief. I miss the choice I had in doing stuff....not so much as buying but doing...I don't do well with lack...this constant struggle..it's draining
I love fashion and it's definitely what I want to do...but I must say it's charging a high cost. One I knew I would have to pay....Everything costs something....and purportedly my character is being built...but wow....as I said dignity....I lose it daily in tiny small but numerous ways.
This post had no direction but I wanted to write down a tiny bit of my struggle...while also reminding myself that I am enough and that it's not about doing or even about creating but being.
Below is an excerpt from Tracy Clarke's I am enough series that both reflect my bipolar state:

It's like dropping a coin into a deep, dark well. There's an emptiness, but you know something is there, just past the emptiness, just past the darkness. And you wait and you wait for the coin to make a splash, to hit the ground, but it never does, or, rather, you never hear it. But you wait because you know it's there.
It just has to be there, the splash, the end of it all. I'm still waiting for the end of you, your echo in my head. And maybe I just never heard the splash because all I hear is the waiting, the silence, the emptiness inside of me begging you to tell me that I'm enough.

I am just like you:
doing my best to love life
in spite of my flaws.

Some days it’s easy.
I see joy everywhere and
feel so connected.

Then there are the times
I get stuck inside my head,
heart heavy with fog.

On these days I search
for (extra)ordinary
little miracles:

Pot of French Earl Grey
Perfect pair of purple boots
Walks, camera in hand

Guilt-free macarons
Losing myself in a book
Her sweet pudgy hands

Sitting with sadness
Lifelines through the overwhelm
Making space to breathe

Walks in Autumn gold
Writing with tremendous love
Paper, paint and glue

Family cuddles
Dancing wildly on my own
Friends who see my soul

Nourishing my self
Everyday celebrations
That I am worthy

That I am enough
 In summary as I head off to join my friends to celebrate another year in one of my good friends....I know He who promised is faithful even when I'm not...