I crave time to write properly. Since that is not happening soon i may as well do a summary.

I am making peace with some hurt a friend caused me, He was one of my closest friends.I Could have written that i am getting over some hurt a guy caused me..but he was never just some guy,,,he was my friend...the one who knew who i was and who w wasn't...to borrow a phrase from a song he really loves. I realized that there is a part of my childhood that is gone forever. It dies with each traumatic experience i endure. The part that believed things were crystal clear. That things have to fit a certain mold. A friend said that to him the idea of getting a child denotes the end of childhood. I laughed but how apt...yet there are other things that happen to us or we do to ourselves that more or less end our childhood.That said and done I have come to the realization that some things cannot be undone..and festering in the pain or bitterness does not undo what has been done or remedy the injury. I read a quote that said remove the sense of injury nad the injury disappears. How true!...so i am making peace with my friend who hurt in ways he will never understand...but as per him i have also hurt him.

I Feel like i have ploughed through most of my friendships in these two years the way a farmer would his land getting rid of weeds and unwanted plants. I also crossed lines which i never thought i would cross and it saddens me that i can never undo the things i have done..Three different people asked me if i ever feel guilty or suffer remorse...The underlying assumption being that they have not seen any evidence of that...that would be sad as it would lead to the conclusion that i am amoral with no conscience...I do have regrets but i do not believe in killing yourself with remorse till you cannot function. I believe you look at the mistakes you have made learn from them and try and do better next time.

I used to be the girl who guys did all kinds of stuff to get and whom they felt they couldn't get but for these past two months i have been the girl who has taken crap from these men. I have lost some of my self respect and i really want to regain it. MAYBE I AM STILL GOING THROUGH QUARTER LIFE CRISIS but I just feel there has to be better...life has to have more meaning that what it is currently offering.

On a lighter note i told one of my friends how i had revised my time line and i had decided that i wanted to get married when i am 28. He laughed then he got angry. I do not understand why i got this reaction but a friend got married last week and when this other chic heard that i was the maid of honour she was so flabbergasted and i was wondering why and her response was:"BUT YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE!'....I did not know that i do not believe in marriage....so i laughed and clarified that i do believe in marriage i just do not plan to get married in my early twenties as many seem to do in our circles. She did not look convinced. Speaking of which i met up with a childhood friend whom i have not seen in like 7 years and he went on to inform me of how he cannot envision being in a relationship/marriage without a kid being part of the equation cause at least the kid can balance the madness. This was me gaping in shock. Its not the first time i have heard this argument. I was there trying to convince him how he and his wife area complete family unit but he wasn't buying it...I guess it did not help that i said i am not sure if i want kids...Usually that has people's hackles all up....WHY CAN'T PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT NOT EVERYONE WANTS BABIES?.....The you are still young makes me so mad i want to hang myself using my own hair...I mean babies are all awesome and all but we don't have to contribute to overpopulating a planet that is already too small for its current occupants.